My Life, I Guess (A Memoir)

Chapter 6

Brian's character caught my eye, so I did what I normally did to any guy that got my attention on that site; I DM'd him and asked, "Hey, do you wanna RP?"

On that site, people could display their kinks, and one of his was called "profile play". I asked him what that was, and it's essentially putting the person you're doing a long-term roleplay with on your profile, like a Facebook relationship status or a badge of honor. He could've just explained it to me that simply, right?

Instead, he pretty much wrote an entire dissertation's worth of an explanation as to what "profile play" was. In the moment, I thought it was so adorable, and I still think so to this day.

We started a roleplay but we got more interested in just talking out of character, so we exchanged Discords.

At some point, he asked if we could do a voice call, and I felt the need to disclose my transness right then and there. Any time I disclose my gender identity to a straight guy, I always prepare for the worst. I always think it's gonna end with him immediately blocking me, cause I just have the general assumption that most cis straight men are transphobic, unless they prove otherwise. It's safer that way.

When he reacted positively, we called and then we talked. And talked, and talked, and talked. We were interested in each other quite quickly, but he was hesitant at first considering he'd also very recently had a bad experience with someone from that site as well, so we bonded over that. 

Immediately, he asked to see a picture of me. I was so anxious and tried to get out of it, but he insisted. So I sent one. To my surprise, he didn't run away screaming.

Things moved quickly between us as well, but after we got together, I noticed that the dynamic between us was different from when I was with my ex. He was a lot more present, and a lot more willing to share the media he liked with me, and vice versa, receptive to my favorite pieces of media that I shared with him.

My love language is showing people stuff. My favorite shows, movies, music, books, games, etc. Watching TV shows together in particular is something that he and I are always doing. I showed him Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, which is my favorite show in the world. He also ended up turning me onto Brooklyn Nine-Nine and It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, shows that I had meant to watch myself at some point, but had so much fun watching with him instead.

Brian's way of showing affection was different and less in-your-face than my ex. Instead of love-bombing me, he would notice very specific things about me that he loves. He loves my reaction to things when we're watching something together, like when I gasp at a plot twist or when I burst into a fit of laughter at a really funny joke. He genuinely listens to me and cares about my opinions. He loves spending time with me in general, and I cherish every moment with him so much.

I love his laughter. I love his beautiful eyes. I love whenever he does a bit, or does impressions of terrible people. I love how sometimes, when we're doing something together, he would stop everything for a second just to tell me he loves me. I love that even though he's been in jobs where he's had to work very long hours, he still makes time to call me no matter how exhausted he is. I love that he's so determined that we'll be together in person one day, sharing a life together.

We're two years strong now. It hasn't been perfect; there have been a few rough spots in our relationship. But we're so communicative with each other that those rough spots are usually resolved pretty quickly. 

I didn't think I could ever reach a point in my life where I could say, with all the confidence in the world, that I finally found someone I want to be with for the rest of my life. I always thought that I would forever be loveless and alone, one of those people who just weren't destined for romance. Or, if I ever found romance, it would be forever online and never anything serious. I would never be able to have an in-person partner, nor would I want to because I'm just so hideous.

Brian tells me I'm beautiful. He makes me actually want to be with someone in person, for the first time in my life. He makes me brave enough to hopefully make it happen someday. 

With him, forever is no longer an empty promise. This time, forever feels like a reality.

---

Brian is a very passionate GM, which stands for Game Master for the uninitiated. He runs many different tabletop roleplaying games, but he isn't a fan of the current edition of Dungeons & Dragons, which is the fifth edition. He prefers to play a spin-off of sorts of an older edition of D&D, which is called Pathfinder. 

He wanted very much to run a game with me and my friends, whom we refer to as "the girlies". I wasn't sure at first on how much they would be interested in the idea, but to my surprise they were very receptive to it. Brian helped each of them create their characters and walk them through the process. I probably needed more help than anyone else, considering how clueless and inexperienced I was with tabletops in general.

That's the thing about Brian, though. He will make sure to walk you through something as patiently as possible, with no judgment if you get things wrong. He's a natural when it comes to teaching certain concepts he has expertise on in a measured, easy-to-digest way.

Unfortunately, the campaign ended prematurely due to scheduling conflicts. I think it was primarily that I needed to sleep in the time the game usually started, because I had just gotten my very first job teaching at an English course.

I felt really bad, not just because I was having so much fun, and I could tell my friends were too, but it's also because Brian put so much work into setting up the campaign. Hell, he had to spend money to even set it up in the first place. When he commits to something, he does it with his whole heart. To this day, I wish we were able to keep the campaign going.

The good news is that now, two years since, Brian managed to find a new group of people for us to play with. It's not my friends, because they've got such busy lives, but they seem like good people. If anything, I'm just excited that I'll finally be once again playing with the best GM I'll ever know.

---

I'd always thought girls like me would never get to be loved. I thought that someone had to be at least somewhat attractive in order to find love, but I never had that going for me.

Despite how feminine my personality and my voice are, nothing about me physically showcases any of that. My body is still considered fat by some people's standards, namely my family, who constantly tell me to work out more. 

I don't have a full head of hair; it's extremely thin and a bald spot is clearly forming around my scalp. And yet, despite my lack of hair on my head, my face and body are abundant with it. My facial hair grows unbelievably quick, and I'm also cursed with a lot of body hair. I don't like showing my body in public because of this, like at the swimming pool for example. I always make sure to wear a swimsuit that is completely covered up.

My teeth are fucked up. Depression has a way of making you lose all motivation to take care of your hygiene, and so I neglected taking care of my teeth for a long time because I just didn't have the energy. I'm now getting better at it, but I still have a long way to go before I could ever have the confidence to smile with all my teeth showing.

When I showed Brian pictures of myself, I made sure to hide all of these unsavory details. My mouth was always closed, and I'd be careful to take the picture at an angle to hide the spot on my head that's balding. 

It wasn't until recently, over two years of our relationship, that we actually video called together.

He said it was okay for me to show my teeth because his weren't great either. I'd only had on my underwear, so I was hesitant to show my body, but I did and he swiftly, fervently said that I was not fat. That my family was full of shit for saying so.

He made me, the most insecure person on the entire planet, be comfortable enough to be nearly naked on camera for him, and he still didn't find me repulsive. He still didn't see me as a man, even though I quite clearly still look like one. 

How did I get this lucky? How did I manage to find my person? On a roleplay sex site, of all places. 

Brian was an unexpected blessing in my life that I truly needed. I never imagined I would find someone who would love me at all, let alone someone who loved me the way he does. Who would see the mess that was my outward appearance, and still call me beautiful with all the confidence and sincerity in the world.

He's the one thing in my life that keeps me going.