My Life, I Guess (A Memoir)

Chapter 8

When I was in college, I remember in one class, we were split into teams and told to make arguments for or against a certain topic. I don't even remember what the topic was for the team I was assigned to, or whether we were for or against said topic. I was on auto-pilot during our turn, but fortunately it went by quickly.

Then, it was another group's turn. This group had to argue against, drum roll please...

...the LGBTQ+ community.

I immediately steeled myself and mentally went, "Here we go..." Unsurprisingly, they went down the list of the usual queerphobic talking points. Blah blah blah mentally ill, blah blah blah something something corrupting children, you know the drill. I was barely listening cause they weren't really saying anything I hadn't heard before.

Once their turn was up, it was time for the group that was for the community. I was intrigued by this one, because how would they try to spin it? There's no way they're sincerely supportive of us, so what was this gonna be?

The stance they decided to take was, "We believe that LGBTQ people deserve rights, because they are mentally ill, and mentally ill people deserve rights."

This genuinely triggered me. I had to struggle not to let it show that I was affected by this, but luckily my classmates rarely paid attention to me. Everything else that group said was a blur, because I was mentally checked out by that point.

Because the team I was in already went, I decided to fake having a severe stomach ache to the professor to try to make an escape, and he believed it and let me go. I rushed out of there as fast as I could, because I just couldn't be in there anymore. I didn't want to be subjected to more of their disgusting, braindead takes.

I need you to know that this is the most common belief in Indonesia, that queerness is a mental illness. Something that needs to be cured or prayed away. I told you the story of how my father roped me into that weird exorcism thing. This is the norm, the status quo. 

Obviously not all Indonesians are like this, and there are plenty of queer Indonesians that have to be in the closet for their own safety, just like me. I wish I got to meet them, though. I wish I had someone in my life who was another queer Indonesian, who understands exactly what I'm going through because they're going through the same thing. Instead, I have to just cope with the feeling of isolation.

The bigots are the majority. The laws and cultural norms of this country are inextricably tied to Islamic beliefs. Anything that they deem goes against those beliefs is considered unacceptable. There is no separation of church and state. I remember several years ago, one politician suggested there should be a separation, and there were protests all over the country wanting him to literally be served the death sentence. Just for voicing his opinion. To my knowledge, he's still alive in prison right now.

I worry that Indonesia is going down a darker path, and soon it will be just as dangerous for queer people here as it is in the Middle East. In the western region of the country called Aceh, I remember reading a news story of how there were trans women who were lined up in front of crowd, roughed up, stripped naked and had their heads shaved, a cruel act of public humiliation. That is only one part of Indonesia, but I have fears of that rhetoric spreading to more parts of the country. I can only hope that I'll no longer be here if and when it happens.

If you are Indonesian reading this, and you're just as fearful and horrified as I am about how our country views and treats queer and trans folks, then please don't hesitate to message me. I have no friends here, and I'm tired of facing this alone.

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If I didn't stumble upon leftist circles online, I probably would have ended up with the same beliefs.

I think about that often, how lucky I am that I managed to not get brainwashed by my family. I think part of it is because I'm the youngest, and I was the surprise child, my parents were always too old to raise another kid. They're more lenient with me than they were with my sisters. My family mostly left me alone when I was younger, so I was able to consume a lot of media they wouldn't approve of and never get found out.

I could've gotten brainwashed another way, though. Remember Thomas, the guy who became a neo-Nazi?

When Gamergate was happening back in late 2014, I got all of my information about it from him, and he was definitely supportive of it. For those of you who are unaware, Gamergate was a movement that purported to be a good faith argument about "ethics in game journalism", when it was really a mass harassment campaign against any and every prominent woman in the games industry. Because I was getting all the info from Thomas, and I didn't bother to actually research it myself, I just went along with what he fed me.

I regret that to this day, my disinterest in what was really going on. This was before I found leftist spaces or creators like ContraPoints or Hmbomberguy, and because of my lack in interest, I didn't bother to form my own opinion on things. I didn't bother to research.

Very fortunately, that phase passed in about a year. By 2016, I was a lot more conscious about issues in the world, and I started to care about things that were bigger than the tiny blip of my life. I'm glad that I didn't get sucked into the wrong side of history, because I was pretty susceptible to being radicalized in the opposite direction at that time. I don't know what my life would've been like if I was some crazy alt-right queer, and frequented sites like 4chan. I shudder at the thought.

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I've learned that nihilism or centrism are both forms are cowardice. It's standing for nothing, or focusing too much on supporting "both sides" even on issues that are black and white.

Right now, Israel's siege on Palestine is growing more and more devastating. Innocent people and children are being massacred by the tens of thousands, for no reason other than sheer cruelty and malice. 

To a sane person capable of critical thinking, this is clearly a black and white issue. It is not complex whatsoever. Israel is constantly attacking helpless Palestinians and committing genocide as we speak. Israel supporters will speak of "Hamas" and "hostages" but these are now empty buzz words they parrot over and over again, when in reality they don't really care about any of it. People who "both sides" this issue also don't understand the bloody history of this conflict, and how there is no room for argument that Israel are the aggressors.

These people were like me back then, thinking that not caring about the world, about politics or major events all because it doesn't really affect you, is cool. Or people who say things like, "My life sucks, I don't have time to care about Palestine, or trans people."

Empathy costs nothing. Compassion costs nothing. Even if you are struggling right now, it doesn't take a lot for you to speak up and show support for Palestine, or if you're religious, to keep them in your prayers. It's not going to cost your entire life savings for you to do something in support of trans rights, no matter how small it is. 

Caring about strangers is not a weakness or an imposition on your life. There is strength and power in kindness.