My Life, I Guess (A Memoir)

Chapter 7

2020 was when the puzzle pieces of my life clicked together perfectly, and I realized I was trans the following year.

From as early in my childhood as I can remember, I had thoughts about being a girl. I was liking all of these girly things, but was told that I wasn't allowed to because I was a boy. I cried a lot whenever I injured myself or didn't get what I want, but I was told that I shouldn't cry so much because I was a boy, and I was supposed to be strong. My father even commented on the way I walked, because I was swaying my hips too much and a boy shouldn't walk like that.

And of course, the biggest one; I found other boys attractive, and boys are supposed to like girls.

All those things made me think; what if I was supposed to be a girl? What if, for some reason, I was born the wrong gender? Was that a thing that could happen? I didn't know what being transgender even was as a kid, I wouldn't really understand it until later.

In my teen years, I landed on "gay". Being a feminine man was a thing, because plenty of gay men are. So maybe that's what I was. I was just a gay guy, so that's what I identified as for most of my life. I met other gay people online, met my queer friends of today, and I just rolled with it. Even on my Goodreads, I made my gayness extremely apparent. In a cringey way, looking back. I was using Drag Race memes constantly, using gay lingo in every single sentence I uttered, I was doing way too much. 

My voice has always been very high and feminine. I don't know why. I guess my balls just never dropped? Or, a theory that I've had is that I subconsciously kept my voice high, so that I could hold on to my femininity despite my very masculine appearance.

Whatever the reason was, my voice was the only thing I had confidence in besides my personality. If I was calling a stranger on the phone, sometimes they would refer to me as "ma'am", and I rarely ever corrected them, because... It just felt nice. People online would also assume I went by she/her even back then, and while in the beginning I was determined for the world to know I was a flaming homosexual, eventually I liked people using those pronouns for me.

In late 2020, I started to think a lot about what all of this meant. I started to realize I was more comfortable being perceived as female. Even back then, with all the catfishing I did, it was a way for me to explore what being a girl online would be like. When I stopped doing that, I moved to roleplaying instead, and the character I created was, like I said, the most ideal version of myself. A pretty, petite girl with pink hair. It's how I wish I looked like, and how I see myself on the inside.

Then in early 2021, I first thought that I just wasn't cis. Whether that meant I was genderfluid, but leaned more towards being femme, I wasn't sure yet. I didn't add a label to it. When you really take the time to think about your gender identity, it's a lot to process. I identified as a gay man for so long that thinking of myself as anything but was a hell of a trip.

A little while later, though, I couldn't really kid myself anymore. The label "trans" was right there like a bright neon sign in my peripheral vision, but it was something I avoided cause it was such a big deal. Discovering that you're trans, and deciding that you want to go through with transitioning when you're able, is a massive overhaul of your life. It was so daunting to think about, so at first I just dismissed it. But like I said, the puzzle pieces clicked, and it made so much sense. 

Because I never had any doubts or second-guessing about my sexuality. I was always into men, even when I was as young as five or six. Most of the time, when I saw women and girls, I envied them. I envied how they could dress up any way they wanted, how they were allowed to play with fashion dolls without anyone thinking it was inappropriate. 

Even later on in my life, I envied that women here in Indonesia didn't have to have a career if they didn't want to. They can just get married off, and most of the time they do. My sisters, for example, are all happy to be housewives. If they had previous aspirations to have their own careers, I never knew about it, because they got married so young. They all got married in their twenties, and basically had children right away. That was just what was expected of women here, to let their husbands have the career while they are just in charge of taking care of the kids.

Men are expected to marry as well, but of course there's more pressure on them because they have to be the sole breadwinner. My family is already talking about how I should get married now, but I fall back on the excuse that I don't have a career yet, and it would be irresponsible of me to get married and raise a family without first securing an income. They can't argue with that, so they fortunately have not yet pressured me to get married or tried to set me up with someone.

I dread being forced into an arranged marriage. Whoever the woman is that gets set up with me, I'm sure they'd be a nice person, but the thought of a woman seeing me as attractive in any way makes me sick, because they would be attracted to my masculinity, AKA one of the things about myself that I find most repulsive. I'm attracted to masculine people, but I can't stand any of it in myself. I can't stand that I don't look at all feminine, and there have been times where a woman would be clearly attracted to me. Every time, it makes me want to throw up. 

I've always had these feelings, but it makes so much more sense now. I envied women because I so badly wanted to be one myself. I feel disgusted whenever a woman is attracted to me due to my masculine qualities, because I want women to see me as one of them.

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I came out to my friends online, and they got it right away. One of them even told me that she always saw me as a woman. If taken the wrong way, it could've meant that she was invalidating my previous gender identity, but that comment actually made me feel good. I subconsciously always wanted to be seen as a woman.

I also came out to my old friends from Stamford, or at least the two who I still kept in contact with; Tanya and Marcella. They accepted me, but in subsequent calls, they would sometimes still deadname me. They absolutely don't do it on purpose, nor do they do it in a malicious way. Not at all. Both of these girls are such sweet people. However, they've known me so much as my previous self, and we saw each other in person every single day, due to our proximity of being classmates.

Eventually, I couldn't really find the courage to contact them anymore, because it was just too weird. They knew me so intimately before, but I was always a gay man to them, and now I'm something entirely new. I know that they would get used to it with time, and like I said, they are very kind and accepting people. It was just so new to them, because living in Indonesia for all their lives, you barely get to meet any openly queer and trans individuals.

The reason we no longer talk regularly is mostly because of me, because of my own hang-ups in hanging out with them now that I identify as female. Maybe eventually things could go back to how they were, but I feel like our dynamic is now permanently changed.

Hopefully I'll muster up the courage to reconnect with them, because I truly love those girls with all my heart.

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Every trans person views their previous identities differently. Trans women, for example. There are some who would say that they used to be men, while others that would say that they were always women.

It's a little complicated for me.

I lean more towards the former; I do acknowledge that, for a very long time, I identified as a gay man. It never felt quite right, looking back, but I can't lie and say that I always knew I was a woman, because I didn't. There was a point in my life where I accepted that I was male, albeit a very feminine one.

But the thoughts of being a girl were always there. Wishing I was one, wondering if I was supposed to have been born one. When I was catfishing, it felt so natural being a girl. It was like slipping on a comfy pair of slippers that fit perfectly on your feet. And yet, IRL I was constantly reminded by my family and anyone around me that I was a boy.

Another thing that varies amongst trans folks is in terms of the physical things we would do to transition. For instance, even though I would absolutely go on hormones the second I'm able to, I don't really plan to get bottom surgery. The thought of it terrifies me, and I don't really think it's necessary for me to have a vagina to feel like a woman. But for a lot of other trans women, bottom surgery is their dream. It's what they're saving up for, and the final step in completing their journey. Even though I'm not one of those women, I still respect them a great deal.

I say all of this to let you know that there is no right or wrong way to be trans, no matter what societal pressures tell you. You can identify and look however you want, and you will still find people that love you for you.