𝐏𝐑𝐄𝐓𝐓𝐘 𝐋𝐈𝐓𝐓𝐋𝐄 𝐁𝐈𝐑𝐃𝐒 .

23.

𝐦𝐚𝐡𝐢'𝐚𝐢

"do you like them?"

i squint over in the bright mirror of the vainity, inspecting my face in the clean reflection before a smile blooms upon my face at the clean, concelead look of my eyebrows. i can't help but to let out a little noise of excitement, causing nina to giggle as she sits down her brush in a neat organizer. i love how the girl does hers so i asked her to do mine and i love how they look; i would love to do them myself, but i would barely make it out of the front door without my dad wiping them off my face. he hates when i look girly; he doesn't say much, but i can tell from the way he simply stares at me like a pig in makeup.

i don't care about that tonight though. all i'm focused on right now is the fun i want to have and how i'm going to have it.

"i love t'em." i smile, looking up at the older who mirrors my expression, clapping loudly and i can't help the way she makes me laugh. we spent the afternoon pondering on costume ideas, and didn't properly decide how to execute one until just recently which would explain the fact that despite the fact the party has started a few hours ago, we're still at her house. i can't say i'm really worried about it though. i like the thought of a party, but at the same time a part of me worries i won't be able to relax there. even though tonight would only be my third time, i don't like drinking; i've thrown up twice before and nina always keeps hers down despite the fact that the first time we drunk together was her third time, but still it's not fair. i'm much better with smoking than i am drinking, but i'm not really surprised. my brother and father smoke heavily, so it would only make sense genetically for me to have a predisposition to it.

that, and their anger issues.

we decided on a devil and angel costume, and she chose the first. i didn't really care which one i got; i don't think the devil would be accurate but at the same time i don't think it's quite accurate for her either. i just wanted to dress up, so i'm content with whatever. i've never worn a  dress like this; sure, i've work skirts and robes and such at home made of linen and other lightweight fabrics intended for a completely different look of the one i wear now. i've never been able to see the problem others have around a bit of skin peeking out of your shirt or your legs being exposed when it's a simple part of your body- or your humanity. i feel as if to be human, you have to be naked- or maybe i'm just very comfortable with nudity; i only started wearing real clothes when i was about two and but even so, growing up on an island has completely chosen my views of what others think as normal- i guess i don't find things others do normal at all.

i take another look at myself in the mirror, allowing my jubilant eyes to soak in my costume that makes me feel odd- hopeful, in a way. perhaps it's the notion that comes with the slight rebellion of the tight dress that reclaims a sense of control i never feel as if i could completely have- that while my father may control everything else around me, my body is completely, inevitably mine. it's mine, unlike anything else in the little view of life i've been provided. it's mine, and so is the impression i know i could provoke onto others with it and for the first time i feel myself slightly apprehension at the thought of a boy looking at me or smiling at me. it's mine, and if my father ever once caught me looking like this he would drag me back to the house but i don't care- cause it's mine.

it's a simple, white long-sleeved dress that flattens out my tummy and fits snugly around my hips, cutting off high on my upper thighs, showcasing the white knee highs i wear that come just above my knee, decorated with little pink boes on the top. i wear my shampooed curls like usual, styled and oile, parted down the middle with two braids in the front and two large fluffy clips in my curls on either side. my mother has always told me to love my body, and to take pride in my care for it and my curves that i tend to hide more often then show. i don't like perception. people are confused when they see my face and then my chest. it ignites conflict in them- one that makes them feel as if they can treat me according to their confusion, however they want but somehow- somehow, tonight, i don't care what they do.