The Stars of My Heart [Completed]

Chapter Four

   

Lucy arrives in the morning with a fresh new dress and a clipboard. I blink the sleep from my eyes, preparing to have to wear my mask of smiles and laughter.

"Good morning Lucy."

She stands in the corner, eyes down. I guess I'm going to have to get used to that. Without raising her voice much, she speaks. "Good morning, Miss Zaria. Would you like any assistance getting ready?"

I think of her walking away last time I told her I was okay on my own. She could always be an ally to me, another path for information. The whole, making the prince fall in love with me, and then faking my death is just the icing on the cake to make the kingdom fall.

"I would be delighted," I tell her, satisfied.

With that, her head rises ever so slightly. All I can see is the crease on her forehead. Her eyebrows raised in surprise.

"I will go in the tub and then get dressed. After that, would you mind doing my hair?"

"Certainly."

I gather the new dress she has laid out for me, glad that they provide dresses to me. I would be out of luck if they didn't. Drawing the bath, I catch the smell of that sweet fragrance again. It's the most calming thing on earth. Each breath, I feel like I am drifting into a dream. I try not to get lost in a trance, so I bathe as fast as possible. If I could, I would stay in this bath forever. No Damian, no prince, just this beautiful dream. But it's been a while since any dream of mine has come true.

I throw the new dress over my head. This one a blush pink that goes down to my knees. Chiffon fabric, draped from my waist, moving harmonically with every step. I have to admit the dresses are very lovely, but if I can't wear pants soon, I might just decide to ask John to do the deed. I spin to set the dress in place. Bracing myself to talk to Lucy, I step out.

I walk over to what I think is a vanity. I have lived in a mansion all my life, but have never once requested a vanity. It always seemed too girlish to me. I didn't wear makeup, and all my clothes looked the same, so there was really no point. I sit down on the cushion, forced to look at myself in the mirror. The feeling is foreign, one I am not used to. It is only now that I notice the little details about myself reflecting back in the spotless glass. The little bit of redness under my cheek, from crying every night. The way my jaw is higher on the one side compared to the other from constant tension.

I don't look how I imagined I once did. I had once thought that I would be poised, maybe even beautiful. That was when I was little, dreaming of being a princess. Now, I am literally in a castle, living my six-year-old dream, but I don't fit. I have gone too far on the other side. A side that I think has no return.

Once I get situated, Lucy pulls my hair back into a ponytail. Opening a pot of paints, she reaches for a brush.

"No!" I stammer, before I can even think what I said through.

"Is something wrong Miss Zaria?" Looking up, I am met with her whole face. For a split second, I see it. The pain, the brokenness. The misery that has been hidden. But just like last night, it only lasts for a second.

Frantically I start thinking. I get up looking for my shoes to stall more time. I find them easily, cursing under my breath. Slowly I slide my feet into the death trap to get yet another set of blisters.

"I... um... have an allergy." I fluster my voice to make the whole lie seem more realistic. "I have tried makeup once. Face blew up like a balloon at the fair."

"I am... so sorry Miss." She starts jumbling the pots and brush back together in a tizzy.

The truth is I have no ill will towards make up. Most of the women in the gang wore it, and my mother always looked stunningly beautiful with a fresh layer of paint on. I just can't bring myself to do it. To cover my scars would be to cover who I am. It's the only thing left to remind me of the pain every day. To remind me of the "why." Why I keep doing this. Why I have no other choice. And if I don't have the marks, I have nothing left.