Kama: Liberation (Vol-I)

Chapter 29: First Hug

I am a lunatic who sings with the wind,
floats on foamy waves,
kisses the coarse sand, spoiling my tender lips
Searching for a lover as stupid as me!

****

It was a fine morning after the stormy night. The sky was clear blue and plenty of birds, some of whose names were not even known, chirped atop branches. Ishgar was happy and the marketplace bubbled with joy. In the palace, the servants worked with greater dedication, secretly wishing for their Rajan to announce something grand.

The Rajan, however, was too sleepy and exhausted. Mataraj Pushyaar stroked Rudra's hair, his head resting on her cosy lap. She had come to him early at dawn, only to find him asleep, unlike his usual self. Rudra was never someone to sleep too many hours and as a Rajan the luxury was out of his reach. Yet after the events of the last night, he was drained out.

"Rudra, I hope you have thought about it."

He heaved a sigh. "I am thinking."

It pricked him somewhere to know that he was now considering the thought of Indumala being his mate just because she could possibly be the reincarnation of his wife Petra. But again, he would be unable to love someone else. If he was being honest, he didn't want to rebuke himself for it. He was ready to love Petra in whichever form she came. Well, that was what he thought.

"Why do you feel like loving a second time will be a sin?" Pushyaar asked.

"It's just that I perceive it as betrayal. Petra is still alive for me, in my memories and my soul. How can I then give myself to someone who isn't her?"

"You cannot romantically love your soul either. You cannot marry yourself."

Rudra blushed. "Yes, it's true. Petra is me, and I am Petra."

"Explain me this– you have sinned multiple times after her death: You have killed people, you have attempted suicide, you have a bad mouth. The latter is the worst– you don't know how many people have bled because of your words. And after all this, you think loving another woman will destroy the sanctity of your love for Petra?"

Rudra remained silent. Mataraj continued, her voice echoing around. "Loving one doesn't replace another. You can love multiple people and every love is unique, an individual emotion. No one lessens another. And, I don't want to bring this, but didn't you love Aryam?"

Rudra wheezed. "I was young back then!"

"Young or old, love is a disease all catch. Petra didn't interfere with the deep relationship you share with him, though it had morphed over the years. Love evolves gradually. Petra and your story is proof of the same."

"I-I understand." Rudra pursed his lips, languidly waving his fingers. "I will try to do what you say, but I can't promise anything."

"Just don't tell me loving is a sin. It boils my blood. I encourage you to accept Indumala, give her some precious place in your life. You have already got a sign last night."

Yes, that blouse. Rudra sighed. "I will try."

"Your wolf is a part of you. If you call its anger your own, its attraction also has some base. It isn't seperate from your heart."

"Maybe it's subconscious and I didn't get it."

"You don't want to confront it."

"Maybe."

Pushyaar smirked. "You have always been too hard on yourself and others."

"Ah, I have. I am still not completely comfortable with what I am. Perhaps, if I do give this a chance, this love, it will help me heal. But everything lies on probability. I cannot force myself to love a woman. It will automatically happen."