The Right To Exist

Justine

Justine was a lovely girl who believed and followed everything her parents told her. She was good at school, always respectful to the elders and helped anyone in need.

Yet, she never felt enough; she didn't have close friends as she had a strict schedule to follow, it was awkward for her to interact with people her age because she wasn't updated on the latest trends. She knew more about paying bills than the new internet sensation. She always was an optimist and believed it will be fine and she will find friends and that sense of belonging she longed for.

Justine loved her family and looked up to them, but since a young age, she have never understood why they were so strict to her. She thought it was out of love and never questioned it. Justine's eyes had sadness, even when she would be cheerful and smiling.

Her mom loved taking pictures of her and would tell her: "My daughter, you look so beautiful but your eyes tell a different story, they are full of sadness, the type of who went through a lot in life. Are you okay?"

Justine never knew and never learned about emotions and told her mom: "I'm just tired, in general. How could I be sad when I can study and I am blessed with a family who loves me? C'mon Mom".

Well, truth to be told, she had a hard time at school because she wasn't close to anyone and at times, some guys who pick on her because she had a different color of skin, slightly darker than the average.

Justine never told her family because they were struggling to make ends meet and her parents find joy and comfort in Justine's good grades and her attending school.

"How could I say I'm having a hard time at school?"- Justine thought and promised to not let it affect her or tell anyone.

Time passed by and Justine entered university, she wasn't sure of the major but she always wanted to study something creative, but her parents preferred a more stable path, for her sake. Justine prepared the admission test for an economics degree.

In that moment, Justine understood that having a secure future is better than a dream. She was only 18.

After that realization, Justine started suffering from anxiety and would get easily sick and started losing appetite. Yet, she continued to prepare the test until the day she had it and a month after, she got notified: she got accepted. Her parents were ectasiatic and proud of her while Justine made her best to show a good smile but felt nothing, she started feeling numb.

Her parents were thrilled and Justine was happy to see how joyful her parents were...to be honest, she was exhausted and felt lost more and more but hope never left her.

The degree was tougher than expected, it was three years of major anxiety attacks, loss of appetite and several check-ups of any types until she finished her studies.

She felt free, finally.

During these years, she met inspiring teachers, she made friends, joined a broadcasting club where she felt alive, travelled and learnt to be more kind and compassionate to herself and the others.

Sadly, any internship she had never turned into a job, worked manly short-term jobs and studied more on the side; always related to Economics.

Until she had enough.

She got sicker and started to isolate, if she had a job, she would only leave the house to do her shift, she didn't want to engage in any family activities or meet up with any acquaintance.

Her eyes lost its sparkles and only a very skinny girl was left behind. That's when, while talking to a work colleague, she was suggested to try to do some yoga and how helpful and eye-opening it would be for her own body and soul. She was skeptical at first and to be honest, she wasn't very flexible.

When Justine was younger, she used to be quite athletic and loved to stay outdoor.

After some days, Justine was pondering if trying out a beginner yoga class at least, once, would be helpful. Seeing how bright and at peace her work colleague was; her work colleague told her how yoga helped her overcoming anxiety and improved her life, in general.

At the end, she signed up to a cheap community yoga class and went. The place was quite antique but well-maintained and it was used as a community place for the neighborhood where people of all ages could find something to do and a place to hang out at. It was already 11 in the morning when the class started, the teacher started calling every participant who signed up and reminded to take a yoga mat and any other instrument needed and to just focus on her teaching and nothing else.

Suddenly the teacher switched language and started speaking a language Justine didn't understand. She looked around and found that nobody else looked confused but quite relaxed, she got perplexed and decided to raise her hand and ask, as she was sitting far from the teacher and there was no space to walk towards the center where the teacher was.

Justine mastered up her courage and asked: "Good morning Teacher, I thought this class would be taught in English, isn't it?"

The teacher was a young girl with white skin and blonde hair who looked like she had the same age as Justine, the major difference she looked healthier, happier and at peace; replied: "Hi, you must be Justine, right? Yeah, usually it's english-taught but today we switched the language, would it be a problem for you?"

With all the eyes on her, Justine felt awkward and said:" Yeah, it's fine, I can follow by looking at you, Teacher."
To which, the young blonde girl giggled and said:" No worries, Justine, when it's about something I believe, it's important, I'll say it in English, too, for you."

Justine didn't truly understand and only thanked the Teacher. Finally, the session started.

Not even after 5 minutes, Justine was sweating, she tied her dark brown with light dark shades hair up and took off her glasses. Yet, there was a difference: her brown-chocolate eyes were sparkling again. Justine was wearing a t-shirt and her usual sport pants. This is what she had and thought of buying yoga pants, but it was late and couldn't afford a pricey one, the only ones available.

Justine was a very appealing girl, magnetic in a way but she never knew that. She didn't really take care of her physical appearance as she saved any money and gave it to her family. She was often called beautiful by the elders she helped but never truly believed it and thought it was a compliment given out of courtesy.

Going back to the class, Justine did her best to follow the Teacher's steps and realized how yoga wasn't fun and games, but it was discipline, dedication, focus and resilience. To be honest, most of the exercises she couldn't finish them, yet tried her best to keep the position, even when it was not performed properly.

It was the first time, Justine kept failing and failing, with an audience as well, but she didn't feel embarrassed. On the contrary, she felt an urge of improving and a growing fighting spirit to make it, to keep the position, to follow even if it's hurt. All because she felt good, she was smiling and sometimes laughing to herself about how her family would think what is this new bizarre thing she's trying or if anyone that she knew would think that she wasn't understandable anymore.

At some time, the theacher translated in English, meaning it was important for Justine to understand too and said: "Now, focus on your breath and thank yourself for being here internally" and started counting for the inhale and the exhale in English.

Justine didn't understand and looked around and found how everyone was so focused and some even closed their eyes. The teacher noticed how Justine was just looking around and slowly came up to her and told her:"Justine, this is called meditation, it might seem easy but it is not, once you master it, it'll give you plenty of inner peace, clarity, acceptance and self-love".

Justine was quite perplexed and tried not to laugh, thinking - just few breathes and I'll be happy? Is this a joke?.

While she was still contemplating, the Teacher resumed the usual routine of position and taught the last step of the day called the breath of joy