Fragments

III

Inspired by a personal experience. This is pretty bad quality writing, and probably not overly interesting to read, but I wanted to write it so I did. Maybe I'll do something slightly less morbid next time...

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It's surprising how easy it is to be emotionless. Much easier than feeling things. To not only hide your emotions, but banish them completely, stuff them away somewhere you won't find them again. To let the screaming and crying and begging that is happening right in front of you be a separate thing to you. To be removed from the situation, so you body is there but your conscience and your mind is not. Even when it's someone you love. You can't show emotion. Because emotion equals weakness. When you want to cry, or scream or yell, you walk away instead. With a stone cold, blank expression on your face. You might as well be watching the scene that unfolds before you as part of a play or soap opera.

It's surprising how easy it is.
And you welcome the numbness, you take it and wrap it around you like a scarf, or a coat. And it keeps you safe and removed from the travesty that is happening in front of you. And so as they scream and cry and beg and cry some more, you may as well be made of stone. How do you achieve this state? You focus on something - a thought, part of a song, the table in front of you. Something that will take you attention. But nothing that will induce emotion of any sort into you. Not a memory, unless it is a feelingless one. You can't fight fire with fire in this situation. So you've got your thing to focus on. And you focus on it, and although you hear the sobs and the words of pain, they don't affect you. You remove yourself completely from the situation, and nothing can touch you any more. Make no mistake; you still care. It doesn't make you not care about the person or people. It just doesn't affect you.

It's surprising how easy it is.