Spoiler Alert:It doesn't get better

Chapter 17:Hope

"You better hurry ,cause I'm leaving soon"-Billie Eilish
Jules's Pov:
Everyone has been acting different towards me lately and I hate it.

I hate my stupid fucking brain.Why couldn't I just have been normal?Why was I cursed with mental illnesses.What did I do deserve such a cruel life.

Everyone is all for mental health until mental health makes it nearly impossible for you to get up in the mornings.Until you're so drained to the point where you can't even do basic things like showering and brushing your teeth.

We all have bad days.Is what they all say,but what they don't understand is that my whole life has consisted of bad days.The amount of bad days that I've had outweigh the amount of good.

I basically live the same day every day.I wake up,suffer,hope to die and sleep.

And when we try to cope,with the only coping mechanism that our brains have taught us which is self destruction.We get called selfish.

If your suffering affects your loved ones,you're selfish,if you end your suffering,you're selfish.

There's no way out of it really.

Mentally stable people will never understand what it's like to have your mind constantly sabotage itself.

They will never understand what it's like to feel undeserving of love,and the feeling of being unwanted by others,of being an outcast.That's what I have been labeled as for my entire life.

I never much fit in at school with the other kids,they thought I was weird,some thought I was scary,and other stayed away because of rumours that they heard.

I was an outcast to my family and the other kids my age. I've never really felt like I belong anywhere.

And don't get me wrong,I don't want people to pity me,I just want people to understand my actions and not think that I'm selfish for doing what I think is right.

The opposite of that happened.

My brothers can barely look me in the eye.

It was so strange when they were all so sweet and loving towards me.I've never experienced that.

Even fucking Gabriel and Fernando were softer towards me,in a sense.

But they're back to their old ways,and although I'm a bit hurt by their actions ,I'm also glad that at least one thing is normal.

One things for certain though.

I can never let myself be so vulnerable in front of them again.

I know they're my family and I should open up to them,but I wasn't raised like that.I was taught never to open up,never to talk about or to express my emotions.

Pleurer est pour les chattes.

Is what my mother used to tell my when I was a little girl,simply asking my mother to comfort me when I was crying my eyes out.

I guess her tough parenting methods did work somehow.I'm basically a void of any emotions now.

I don't remember the last time that I smiled or even laughed.

I don't remember the last time I cried

All I can remember is that for the past 5 years my thoughts haven't been clear.Its been a hazy mess.

My mind has been a storm of bad thoughts.If you were ever in it you'd probably be blown away with strong wind.

My thoughts poisonous venom.I don't know how they haven't killed me yet.

After years,I can finally feel the side effects of the poison setting in.

I'm not going to be around for long.The poison is affecting my body these days.It killed my mind a long time ago,but I can actually feel the life slipping out of my physical body here on earth.My soul is chipping away.

I've felt dead for a long time,but soon I will be dead.

I can already see it happening.

Juliette Rodriguez
2006-2022
Cause of death:Suicide

I can see everyone being happy that I'm dead,being relieved that they don't have to deal with me and my fucked up mind.

It must be exhausting knowing me.

People never know how to approach me,because they never know if I'm gonna be my usual bitchy self or my closed off and quiet self.

My loved ones are the only sense of consistency  that I have left in my life,yet I distance myself from them every time something goes wrong.

What is wrong with me?

I feel like a background character in my own fucking movie.

My mind and my thoughts are so faraway from reality.I don't even know what's going on most of the time.

I've probably spent most of my life being in my own head rather than living.

I feel like I've only ever been living through the lives of my friends and other people my age.I always yearned to be a normal teenager and have normal experiences,but I couldn't even have that so I rather watch the kids my age from afar and try to imagine a life where I can be as carefree and happy as they are.

But that will never happen,I know that,but part of me will always have hope,because if it weren't for hope I would've given up a long time ago.

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