society has taught me from a young age that, unless you're slim and pretty, you are unloved.
never have i felt this more than now, as i lie in bed, feeling my stretch marks and sobbing. i don't need to be loved, but being lonely is a completely different, soul-wrenching feeling.
i sit here, trying to catch my breath and regain control over my body, but the hiccuping cries i release are far from being over. i'm coming to terms with the fact that, no matter how much i try to change myself, i cant.
i'm trapped in this eternal cycle of working out and then falling back into my habits of binging. i need help but have no one to turn to. i sincerely want to die and think about it often, which is scary.
i'm afraid of death, yet here i am, hoping that i die. in death, i won't be lonely anymore. in death, i don't have to worry about being a certain size or looking a certain way. in death, i won't repeat the cycle.
instead, in death, this unhealthy eating pattern will be gone. i can be happy only in death; it's the way society was framed to be.
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thoughtful
Poetrya collection of notes from my most vulnerable moments. please note mentions of self harm, suicidal thoughts, eating disorders/unhealthy nutritional habits, and mental illnesses may be mentioned. read at your own risk.
