Flau'jae Johnson
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"You need to communicate with me" I told Angel as she just cried, "How I'm supposed to know if something wrong?"
She shrugged her shoulders before I wiped her face. I don't know if she got postpartum depression or if I did something.
I'm so confused.
"I don't feel like talking"
"Talk to me, it's me?" I asked causing her to shake her head no, "You want time to yourself?"
"No" she spoke while grabbing me. She pulled me into a tight hug and I just hugged her.
Even though I'm still oblivious to what's wrong, she needs me. I'm gonna be her emotional support — her support all around.
She's just been a emotional wreck all day.
"Tell me what you want, mamas"
"A break, I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I'm tired, I want you to stay with me" she hugged me tighter before I kissed her
"I'm not going nowhere" I looked down at her to see more tears forming in her eyes , "What's wrong?"
"I feel drained, like mentally and physically. I'm tired, I'm tired" I couldn't do nothing but wipe her tears, hug her, and kiss her
Damn.
"You ain't gotta worry about nothing, I got you. I got you, you straight"
We've been together for years, and this my first time seeing her like this. I started crying because I can feel what she feels.
"I'm sorry"
"It's nothing to be sorry for cause if you tired, you tired. Is it the baby?" she just simply shrugged, "Use your words"
"I don't know"
"You tired because of her?" I asked again hoping for an answer, "Be honest so I'll know what to do on my part, please"
"Kind of, I'm not getting no sleep — I don't wanna blame her. It's not her fault, she didn't ask to be here"
"It's the breastfeeding too, we need to switch to formula. It's taking away your sleep, I been told you that"
She shook her head no while wiping my face this time. If you and your partner can't cry together, it ain't real.
This is definitely not our first time crying together, and it's for certain not our last.
"I lose sleep from that, but she don't need formula. It's not just that, I wish I knew what was wrong. I'm sorry"
Angel don't believe in formula, and I could understand why. She's constantly pumping throughout the day, and the middle of the night.
On top of that, Jaeuh stays up in the middle of the night. But even if it's my turn to stay up through the night, Angel is up too.
I always tell her to go to sleep, but she don't listen to me. She like to stay up too, and I don't like that.
Au'jaeuh refuse to drink from a bottle, so it's nothing we can do about that. I feel like if she drink formula from the bottle instead of breast milk, she'll take it.
"Stop apologizing cause you ain't do nothing. What you want from me, mamas?"
"I just wanna go to sleep, I feel like a zombie. Just wake me up when I have to feed the baby"
"You sure?" I asked for confirmation
"Yeah"
"Alright, I love you" I said before planting a kiss on her lips, "I love you so much"
"I love you more, and can you stay in here?"
"Yeah, I was gone stay in here with you" she nodded before getting comfortable in the bed, "I'm just going to the bathroom"
I went in the bathroom and closed the door behind me. The whole situation got me feeling empty and I don't like it.
Sometimes I hate the fact that I can feel her emotions. It's not a good feeling, it's like a dark cloud hanging over my head.
Time passed by before I finally came back out. I checked on Au'jaeuh, who was sleeping peacefully in her bassinet.
Good.
Angel is sleep, which is no surprise because she already said she was tired. When she's extremely tired, she go straight to sleep.
I turned on the tv and turned on the movie 'ATL'. This movie will never get old to me, like ever. It just reminds me of Savannah, which is a good and bad thing.
It's just a little out of pocket.
I just love watching stuff that I can relate to in some type of way. Half way through the movie Au'jaeuh woke up before I forgot all about the movie
"Shh" I politely comforted her while putting her pacifier in her mouth to keep her from crying
I quickly changed her diaper before laying her across the bed comfortably.
I wanted to wake Angel up, but I chose not to. Apart of me will feel guilty, but the other part of me don't have a choice.
Au'jaeuh has to eat and it won't be long before she start screaming and hollering. I took some pre pumped breast milk, and put it in a bottle.
It's a different bottle with a different nipple.
I gave it to her doubting the fact that she'll take it. Surprisingly, she drunk from it with no problem.
After taking the time out to burp her, I held her in my lap just admiring her.
"You a good baby" I said to her as she just stared at me with her glossy eyes
Sorry not sorry, but I have the most prettiest daughter ever. I'm excited to see her grow into her features, she's gorgeous.
I'm not just saying that because she's mine, she literally came out beautifully. I seen baby's come out looking — not so good.
It's crazy what IVF can do, when I look at her, I see me. Sometimes she looks like Angel, it's weird to me.
If two women can have a baby together right now, I know for a fact that flying cars on the way.
I'm getting one too with or without pilot experience.
Angel popped her head up before going into panic mode. It's like she knew the baby was up, and we didn't do nothing to wake her up.
"Why didn't you wake me up?"
"Cause she okay, she fed — booty feeling good and clean. Momma four got this in the bag" I grabbed the bottle before showing her
"She really drunk from that?"
"Yeah, so that mean we need to keep using these bottles. She don't like the other ones" she laid back down I guess feeling good about it
"I'm going back to sleep"
"We gone be here when you get up, get your sleep" I turned my attention back to Jaeuh
She was just a planned out idea, and now she's here. I'm convinced I'll be in shock for the rest of her life.
Definitely.
