everybody wants to rule the world - finnick odair

(two)

I was slouched in a chair at one side of the Everdeens' dining table. Opposite, sat Katniss. She was teasing a marmalade-coloured cat with a singular string of yarn. 

Marmalade is a luxury. It was another of the products only ever seen by the districts when it was sent to tributes in the annual torturing of The Hunger Games, or at the broadcasted feasts before the Games began. Either way, I knew I would never get to try it.

Just then, Gideon came rushing in through the back door. 

"Aspen? Oh my god, are you okay? How's Garnette doing?" he asked, rushing towards me.

I noticed how Katniss glanced up briefly, before returning to the ratty feline on the table.

"I don't know. I got out of the living room as soon as I could. Gunshot wounds on my twelve year old sister is not something I wanna see on a Sunday morning," I replied, gesturing with my head towards the door nearby.

"Should I go see how she's doing?" 

"No, just stay here. Please?" 

I climbed out of my chair and hugged him quickly. He clutched me tightly for a second and then we separated, him still searching my eyes suspiciously, trying to figure out if I was alright.

"What was she doing? Why would she be out at the same time as me?" I whispered, thinking it over. It just didn't make sense.

"What's more important is what you were doing. Why were you out so early? Maybe she just followed you," Katniss spoke up from across the room.

"Sorry?" I replied.

"I know i'm younger than you, but I know what goes through our younger sisters' heads. Prim's only eight and she manages to pluck up the curiosity to follow me all the way to the fence sometimes. So..what were you doing, Aspen?" 

"I was going early to the Hub. I wanted to have first dibs on Gale's game. I also wanted to sell the butter I made yesterday," I told her, truthfully.

"Butter? With what milk?" said Katniss suspiciously. 

"Delauna's goat's milk," I shrugged. Delauna was our neighbour. She had a son of 3, Mellox, and a dead husband. We bought her goat's milk weekly, and sent Blair over after school to look after Mellox everyday. 

She raised an eyebrow and went back to twizzling the string.

"I'm just glad you're here," I smiled, turning back to Gideon. 

"Of course I am," he smiled warmly.

I couldn't imagine losing Gideon. He's been with me my whole life, and the only man I've ever trusted. My father wasn't really the cuddly type. He was never in the house, during the day or night. My mother wouldn't tell us kids where he slept, but I think we all assumed he was disloyal. He'd hit us all, including my mom. When he was home, it was usually only for an hour at a time. He grew angry over the smallest thing, and rarely spoke to us when he wasn't in a mood.

I think it's fear. He's always especially testy around the time of The Reaping. So maybe, it's because he loves me and my siblings too much. He doesn't know what will happen to us, so he doesn't want to get too close, and then lose us. But we're his children? Surely it's the least he could do. 

"Aspen?"

I glance away from Gideon, towards Prim, who had appeared at the door.

I cock my head to one side, in one simple question.

I saw Prim's throat move as she swallowed hard. And then, she shook her head. Just one small, small, small, small movement.

She shook her head.

She shook her head.

She shook her head.

The ground. Cold under my hands, under my knees, under my elbows. 

Gideon's hands. Warm on my shoulders, wrapping me up.

I was knelt on the ground, and gasping.

My throat felt like it was closing up. A sob escaped me, and suddenly the cracked tiles beneath me were blurry, and saltwater droplets hit them one by one. Two by two. Three by three.

On and on, the tears came.

I vaguely remember Gideon saying something, trying to be comforting.

I didn't make sense of it.

I just sat on the floor, weeping.

It was all my fault. All my fault. 

Katniss was right. She followed me. She probably worried for me, going out so early. She followed me. Me. My fault.

It was all my fault. 

I was the only person to blame for my own sister's death.