Under Suppression

I'm the Problem

"How do I look?" I referred to my stitched up head and face with a cheesy grin, trying to get a laugh out of Alycia but the concern couldn't seem to leave her eyes, a frown cemented to her lips. She looked down at me with a sad expression, her fingers lifting to gently push back the stray hairs from my face in thought.

"Matthews is setting up your discharge right now," she sighed. "Then we'll go home."

My shoulders dropped at the use of 'we.'

"Wait, no.. It's okay, Leesh. You don't have to do that."

"But I do." She took a seat on the bed next to me, her hand now resting on my knee over the sheet, her thumb stroking over top. She seemed so worried, and I hated that I was doing this to her. She has enough stress already.

"But what about your sleep over?"

She shook her, making it clear that she had already made her decision, but I shook my own head in protest.

"No.. No, hunny, you don't have to worry about me. I know you wanted to be with your friend tonight, she needs y-"

"But you need me more right now. It's fine, Y/n. I already worked things out, okay?" she said with a shorter tone than usual, despite her attempts to cover it up. The look in her eyes told me that there was a lot on her shoulders right now. Why the hell did I have to make it worse?

Alycia was strong, but you can only be the stronger person for so long until it cracks, and before you know it, you're the one in desperate need of saving.

"I'm worried about you, Leesh," I admitted in a whisper and she gave me a sad smile, but it was far from convincing.

"I could say the same for you, Y/n.."

My heart broke at her words. I know she didn't mean to press any guilt into me, she only cared, but regardless, I was adding to her stress. She was perfect, and I was hurting her. What the hell am I doing?

I'm not good enough for her. She needs a strong and reliable partner, someone that she doesn't have to worry about every second of the day, praying that I don't do anything dumb enough to get me killed, but we've already come close to that. Several times.

I forced myself to not show my emotions on my face, but on the inside, I was falling apart with guilt.

I'm a burden.

This isn't me fishing for reassurance, begging for someone to tell me I was a great person or whatever. No, this was me stating a fact. I was a burden to those around me, a ticking bomb that's bound to explode any minute, taking out all of those around me. She was much too good to be caught up in my mess, and as much as I didn't want to revert back to my old self, I could feel my walls beginning to build back up again.

I'm too much.

"Y/n?" a soft hand tapped my cheek gently, and I blinked my eyes to find Alycia leaning close to my face, her gaze overflowing with concern.

God damn it. Look what you've done.

"Y/n, can you hear me?"

I shook my head. "Yes, sorry.. I can hear you, I just zoned out a little bit," I attempted to reassure her, but that only seemed to make her worry more, her eyes rapidly dancing between mine in worry.

"I'm gonna go find Matthews and get your paperwork. Will you be okay for a few minutes?" She seemed hesitant, even after I shook my head, so I reached for her hands, holding them in mine.

"Hunny, I'll be just fine. It's okay.." she slowly nodded her head, unsure of my answer before ultimately accepting it and standing from the bed.

"Okay, I'll be right back. Don't get up," she warned, but not as forcefully as she usually would. The look in her eyes burned its way into my brain, the hurt and saddness still staring at me after she pulled the curtain closed.