Never Again

Epilogue

I must have stopped breathing while watching the news. I couldn't believe what was in front of my eyes.

I had gotten Ray out of my mind for a time. The impression of him would still linger into a corner of my mind, but I wouldn't think about him as before. He had been mentioned in the occasional conversation with old friends, so I still knew what he was doing, but nothing could get me to have the strong reactions I had in the past.

For a few years, he had been happy with Anna. They moved in together into his old apartment and it seemed as if he was finally settling down. Until he didn't want to anymore.

He went abroad for some time, to work. They grew apart during this time. She continued living in his apartment.

He was changed when he came back. He was worse. He turned to alcohol and drugs more and more, until you couldn't ever catch him sober. He had been the talk of everyone, but he turned into the one everyone despised. His friends kept their distance, making a weird face whenever someone mentioned him. Everyone grew repulsed by him and I could understand why.

He eventually broke up with Anna. She was pregnant at that time. She had the child and put it up for adoption. He found out about it much later and he had been heartbroken. The last piece of normality inside his head shattered and he went crazy.

He kept describing me as the one that got away, the one he should have married. This didn't make me feel anything. We were never meant to be. Both of us were too caught up into our own things and, thankfully, our relationship didn't develop any further.

He blamed Anna for everything - destroying him, destroying us. He ran away from everyone, even the few friends he still had and his family. He lived alone and he could rarely be seen leaving his house. In the few moments he went out, he would get some more drugs and alcohol to consume at home.

Everything went bad for him after Anna. I think she was the only one who still kept him somewhat anchored in reality. When she left, she took the reality away with her.

It all came back to me while watching the news. Everything, from the moment I first replied to his message until I last saw him, came back powerfully and replayed into my head with a humming noise. I didn't know if I was supposed to cry. Was he worth it? Not now, but he surely had been.

I could not have been mistaken. I would have recognized that car anywhere. The few details they gave away confirmed what I already knew.

It was all over the local news. It was all over the local newspapers. It was all over social media. It was everywhere and it was unbearable.

He drove under the influence - either drunk or high, they didn't yet determine at the time the first article came out. He had sped through town. Police tried to stop him after someone reported his chaotic driving. He managed to get out of town, continuing to speed until he hit another car, killing the girl who was driving. The sad irony was that he knew her. She was his latest romantic interest, the first after Anna. She was coming home from a little get away and she had been killed by him. His car then rolled over.

The following part was difficult to understand for me, because he had always seemed immortal, almost too reckless to die.

He had been badly hurt. He was transported to a hospital via helicopter. He got into a comma and no one knew if he would live or not.

If he survived, he would have to face serious consequences, serious jail time. If he did not... The ones who loved him would have to face the harsh reality of his death at just 35 years old.

He died after the doctors struggled for a few weeks. His family put him to rest near his father, who had died while he was still young, whom he saw dying, which left him scarred for the rest of his life.

His mother told everyone that his father's death had profoundly affected him, that he hadn't been the same ever since. Did they reunite? Was he happier wherever he was? Was he looking down at the world, throwing a final sarcastic smile at it? What about his new girlfriend? Would she also be there? Because it would represent a conversation I am not sure he would like to have.

It really was never again this time and the reality of it was hard to take. It was never again for him too. Never again would he get to do another reckless thing, never again would he get to drive his car like there was no tomorrow. Never again would he get to laugh at his own jokes.

I am sure Anna broke down when she heard about his death. I never saw her again and I never got the courage to reach out to her. She must have suffered greatly.

The ones you love sometimes do more harm than good. Other times, you hurt those you love. After all, love is such a relative notion. What is love, what is hate and where is the border between them?

He didn't get to know what any of us did with our lives. Never again.