Hello You

Chapter Ten

Chapter Ten

Alex couldn't sleep. For once it was Miles who was out like a light, satisfied from the night before. Restaurants had just re-opened for takeaway only, and Miles' mate Sid owned a fried chicken shop on Mile End road. He also did a very handy sideline in home grown weed, and Miles had treated them to some. That was as far as Saturday night fun went, these days. Dinner, a spliff, some beer and a film on Netflix. The thing was, Alex loved kit. He preferred the quiet life. When the pandemic was over and things went back to normal, he would be perfectly happy to stay in while Miles went out socialising, and he could come home and tell him all about what he'd done and the people he'd met. He liked Miles' friends, and when they could, he would have much preferred spending his evenings with them in The Sun Tavern than somewhere like Soho House, rubbing shoulders with the elite and vacuous.

But he still had no idea how he was going to achieve his idyll. What was not up for negotiation was Miles. He truly was prepared to sacrifice it all for him. He had come so close to losing him two years ago, and there was no way it was happening again.

Miles shifted from his side onto his stomach with a contented grumble, and Alex envied him his ability to sleep. Alex also knew part of his restlessness was down to frustration. He wanted Miles to fuck him. He knew plenty of gay and bisexual men who didn't worry about fucking, but Alex couldn't be like that. He needed that ultimate act of surrender, of feeling the person he loved most in all the world inside him. But Miles was remaining strong and sticking to his guns and Alex wished he could do something once and for all to prove how dedicated he was to him. Then they could make love properly.

The early morning sun started to shine through the windows, and Alex knew he wasn't going to get any sleep. He got up and went across to his old room, which had become like a temporary mini studio for both of them. Miles' Bontempi organ had been replaced by a Yamaha keyboard worth thousands of pounds, that Alex could connect to his laptop and create whole songs.

Despite his promise to deliver AM Two, it just wasn't happening. AM had been written by a guy in his mid-twenties, living on the other side of the Atlantic, feeling like two different people most of the time. There was the Alex who was the rock star, dating Arielle and having fun being popular; but inside, all the time he'd still feel like the old Al – insecure, shy and wanting nothing more than Miles to commit to him so he'd know he'd always have him to turn to. This album was being written by a thirty-four year old man who'd made so many mistakes it would take days to list them. He'd come close to losing the love of his life and almost suffered a nervous breakdown. How could he write those same songs? He needed to reflect on his life before he moved forward.

He settled at the keyboard to finish the prototype string arrangement for Mr Schwartz. He then noticed some paper with Miles' handwriting scrunched up in the bin, and natural curiosity got the better of him. He leaned over and took it out, flattening the crumpled page out. He'd never seen these lyrics before...

'There's nothing left to say/I've thrown it all away/Write lyrics in my sleep, cos it keeps me together/I gotta earn my keep/Because I'm your one man band/Let me sing about the brighter days/A song for you I've learned to play/And I will take the stage/ and I'll beat the drum until the dawn to keep the darkness from your door/Cos I'm your one man band.'

Alex was shocked, there was something so reflective in these lyrics. He turned the page over and saw there were more.

'There's some things I can't say/but when the music starts to play/I stare up to the moon/and my lonely heart goes boom boom boom, once again.'

Alex felt tears spring to his eyes. There was something so sad about these lyrics. Without telling him, it was clear Miles had been doing some soul searching too, because Alex had never known him write anything like this before. Happy songs, or love songs filled with longing were his stock in trade. Even the songs on Coup de Grace were mainly him having a subtle dig at Alex, blaming him for everything that had happened between them.