Running In Circles || Nicholas Ruffilo

twelve

Nicholas

And one and done, it was.

It's been a couple of weeks since that night and we haven't spoken to each other. Not in private and just yes or no's in the shop. I don't know why I possibly thought that I could have physical contact with someone so intimately and not catch feelings, but when I woke up the next morning and her naked body was still so eagerly pressed against mine, hair splayed every which way on my pillows, sheets barely covering our bodies...

I knew I couldn't do it anymore.

Because I knew if she crawled back to me, craving me, wanting any semblance of that again, I'd have to make her wholly mine. She felt and tasted so divine that I couldn't possibly share anymore. I know, I never thought I'd be like that about anyone because I found it weird when other people would say that about someone else they fucked once, but it feels different. Her pussy is my first and last thought of the day and I would devote my life to worshipping her if she'd let me.

But I can't let myself.

I focused on my friends, making it impossible to find me at home. Davis, Vincent, and I all need distractions and healing after everything we went through with Tyler. It was a hard hit and we're grieving in our own ways with it while also not trying to take away from Cassidy's experience, so we started doing anything to occupy our time: drinking at the bar, going bowling, going ice skating, going to the movies, anything.

I said no to the bar the most. I couldn't stand watching Cassidy take up so much space here, never leaving by herself. It was physically painful watching her flirt with these guys and girls, knowing that she didn't even have to do that to get me in bed with her. It was the opposite, actually, and it makes this version of her look... shallow. But these people probably see that and take advantage of that.

It didn't mean anything to either of us. We made that clear. It was just really good sex.

Right?

I found myself eventually indulging in the same. I hadn't been at the bar for weeks, but went in with a new mission and without Davis and Vincent, lying to them about going home for the night  when they wanted to go watch a movie. I needed to prove that it was nothing, to myself.

I started indulging in different women left and right, just never feeling like it was enough. It was almost like my body was releasing reluctantly, to the point that I would have to handle myself again after they left. They either weren't giving me head the right way or moaning at a pitch that I hated or not giving me enough energy back.

It just wasn't holding a flame.

I started secluding, not wanting to tell anyone around me what was going on because that would just open a Pandora's box. It was a Wednesday night and I was sitting in the corner spot of my couch watching Friends With Benefits, cringing at how close we were to that. How I kind of still want that. I looked at the clock, noting that while it's 10 pm here, it would be 7 pm in LA right now. I sat up straight, set the whiskey on the coffee table, and call Orie.

"Hey! It's been forever!" he jeers from the other side, making me involuntarily smile.

"Man, I know," I chuckle, trying to hide my slur. "How have you been?"

"Pretty good, just wrapping up some editing on this sick music video I just shot for Spiritbox. How about you?" I could hear his mouse clicking in the background.

"I've been okay," I say honestly. "I just really need someone to rant to that isn't here."

"Uh oh, what did Davis do?" he picks.