The nights I'm left alone - (johnnie guilbert x jake webber) (DISCONTINUED)

3

Johnnie stirred in his sleep as bright, golden rays of morning sunlight filtered through the slits in the curtains, hitting his face with an unwelcome warmth. He groaned and buried his head deeper under the covers, trying to escape the blinding light. Jake chuckled as he sat down on the edge of the bed, watching Johnnie struggle against the morning's intrusion.
"Rise and shine, Cinderella. It's 1pm."
"Fuck off." Johnnie grumbled under the covers.
He couldn't remember what time he went to bed yesterday, or in fact he didn't even know how he got to bed. The last thing he remembered was being in the car on the way home. Johnnie tossed the covers off himself with a huff, blowing hair out of his face as he looked at Jake.
"Did you carry me to bed?" He asked.
Jake nodded, a small smile playing on his lips. "You fell asleep in the car," he said softly, brushing a strand of hair from Johnnie's face. "I figured you'd punch me or something if I tried to wake you, so I just carried you inside." He gestured to the bedroom. "Get dressed and come downstairs for breakfast."
Johnnie's heart dropped as he watched Jake's retreating figure disappear into the distance. The emptiness and deafening silence that followed his departure was suffocating. Jake had become a constant presence in Johnnie's life, a safety net that he relied on.
Johnnie sat up in bed, his mind racing with thoughts and emotions he couldn't quite comprehend. He rubbed his temples, trying to clear the fog that clouded his thinking. Who cares if he had grown attached to jake. What's the worst that could happen, right?
With a heavy sigh, Johnnie swung his legs over the edge of the bed and stood up. He made his way to the closet, his movements sluggish. As he slipped into a fresh pair of jeans and a worn-out mcr shirt, his mind continued to wander. Lost in his thoughts, Johnnie descended the stairs and found himself in the kitchen, where Jake was pouring hot chocolate into cups and 2 plates of pancakes for himself and Johnnie was already waiting on the table. Johnnie didn't really feel hungry.
"Morning," Jake greeted, setting the cups onto the table beside the plates, "You finally decided to join the land of the living." he smirked teasingly.
Johnnie mumbled his response, barely meeting Jake's gaze. He took a seat at the table, tracing his finger along the rim of his mug as he struggled to find the right words. The silence between them felt heavy, suffocating.
Jake cleared his throat, breaking the tension. "So, uh, did you sleep okay?" he asked suddenly. Johnnie's body tensed as he heard Jake's voice break the silence. "Yeah." he murmured, his voice barely audible. Johnnie cleared his throat, looking up to face Jake this time his voice was louder, more confident, "Yeah, i slept okay, uh.. you?"
Jake's eyes flickered with a mix of relief and something else that Johnnie couldn't quite place. "Yeah, I slept alright."
Johnnie nodded, lowering his gaze to his untouched plate of pancakes.
"Something wrong with the pancakes?" Jake asked.
Johnnie shook his head quickly, trying to push away the swirling thoughts in his mind. "No, no, they look great," he replied, forcing a smile. Jake's brow furrowed slightly at Johnnie's unconvincing response, but he let it go. As Johnnie took a bite of the pancakes, a wave of familiar nausea hit him and just like that he was 14 again, sitting in his room on his bed with a full plate of food his mom made for dinner hours ago on the nightstand. It was his 3rd day without food, and he knew he should - needed to eat. But the mere thought of putting anything in his mouth made him gag. He could still remember the way his stomach churned, the overwhelming guilt and self-hatred that consumed him. The memories were suffocating, threatening to drown him in their darkness.
Johnnie's grip tightened on his fork as he fought back tears, the taste of bile rising in his throat. The look on Jake's face made him want to scream, run.
He didn't do either.
Instead, Johnnie took a deep breath and forced himself to swallow the bite of the pancake. He'd try to eat as much as he could, if it meant that Jake would stop looking at him like that. Jake watched Johnnie closely as he forced himself to eat, concern etched on his face.
"Stop." Johnnie muttered, putting his fork down.
Confusion filled Jake's eyes,"what?" Johnnie sighed, "Stop looking at me like that," Johnnie repeated, his voice trembling. It made him feel pathetic. He had to get out of here.
Johnnie stood up abruptly, pushing away from the table and backing away from Jake's concerned gaze. Panic gripped his chest, threatening to suffocate him as he practically ran back up the stairs to his room, door slamming behind him. Johnnie collapsed onto his bed, gasping for breath as tears streamed down his face. He couldn't handle the emotions that were threatening to consume him. The memories of his past, the fear of intimacy, and the overwhelming guilt had finally caught up with him. Everything that he had been trying to push down was now bubbling to the surface, threatening to spill over and drown him in their depths. He was fine yesterday. He could eat yesterday. And nothing happened to trigger him, so why was he feeling this way? It was stupid. He was stupid.
*
Hours passed, it was 4pm and dark outside as it usually was in mid December . Johnnie sat up in his bed, rubbing his eyes that stung and burned from the crying session he had going on earlier. He hoped a nap would fix it, but it didn't. Johnnie took a glimpse of the time and sighed. Jake was probably worried, he slept for so long again. He didn't intend to, it was only supposed to be a short one hour nap. But that didn't go as planned. Johnnie took in the familiar sight of his messy room, filled with books, scattered papers, and photos taped to the walls. Johnnie found a sense of comfort in the chaos. His room had always been his safe space, and even the messy state brought a strange sense of solace. Whenever he cleaned it up, it felt foreign to him. Unsettling.
Taking a deep breath, Johnnie pushed off the bed and made his way downstairs. The house was quiet, except for the distant sound of the TV playing in the living room. Johnnie followed the sound and found Jake sitting on the couch, flipping through channels on the television.
Jake glanced up when Johnnie entered the room, a mixture of relief and concern crossing his face. "Hey," he said softly, setting the remote aside. "I was starting to worry. Are you okay?"
Johnnie nodded, forcing a small smile. "Yeah, I just needed some time alone. Sorry for running off like that."
"It's okay." Jake says. He patted the empty space on the couch next to him, inviting Johnnie to join him. "Come sit with me."
Johnnie hesitated for a moment before slowly making his way to the couch. He sank into the cushions beside Jake, his body tense with a mixture of anticipation and apprehension. Jake leaned back, giving Johnnie some space, but the warmth of his presence was comforting. They sat in silence for a while, the sound of the TV filling the room. "fix your necklace, it's goofy." Jake said, leaning forward and gently adjusting the pendant that hung from Johnnie's neck. It was a small silver key. Jake's hair brushed against Johnnie's, making his breath catch in his throat and heart pound rapidly against his chest. He looked away, moving away slightly. "Thanks," Johnnie muttered, his voice barely above a whisper. He took a deep breath, trying to steady his racing heart.The TV screen flickered, casting a soft glow on the room. Johnnie stole a glance at Jake, his heart fluttering as he took in the familiar features of his face.

Johnnie turned to face the tv, turning his focus to the movie that was playing.
"We should go somewhere tomorrow." Jake suggests,"we haven't been anywhere cool in a while."
"It's winter. Cold outside." Johnnie reminds him. He wouldn't mind going somewhere though, and he should leave the house for a reason other than food. It's been awhile. Besides, it could be fun. "But sure."
Jake grins at that,"okay. We can leave at 2, go ice skating, then go eat dinner somewhere?"
Johnnie nods in agreement. He wasn't sure eating out was the best idea after what happened this morning, but he wasn't about to refuse the offer. It sounded like Jake had it well planned out, and Johnnie wasn't gonna be the one who ruined the plan. He wasn't like that. He would either be fine, or he wouldn't and he'd just have to be fine.
At least he got to spend some time with Jake. Well they did live together, so it's not like seeing him was rare. But they'd actually be going out, doing something together. It wasn't any different from the usual activities in the house they did such as gaming together, cooking, shopping. But it felt different, and Johnnie looked forward to it. He was more excited than he would like to admit. Maybe he would get the chance to get Jake a gift if there was a store nearby, Jake always got him gifts so he wanted to get one for him for a change. Johnnie had already bought a few things for Jake, for christmas though so he wasn't aware of it, yet.
*
Johnnie woke up early the next day, 9am sharp. It was rare for him, but he wanted to make sure he got the time to shower and get ready for the day, even though he still had hours before they would be leaving. Still for some reason 5 hours seemed like very little time for all that. Jake was still asleep in his room, like Johnnie probably could be but he wasn't gonna risk running out of time, he had a lot to do before 2.
The weather was relatively pleasant for a winter day, the sun shined brightly onto the snow and it wasn't too cold. Johnnie was standing outside the bathtub. It would take longer, but he just felt like it. He was topless, waiting for it to fill with hot water. His eyes grazed the faded scars that littered across his arms and thighs. They were old, very much so. And you could barely see them, with how much they had faded over the years. And as much as Johnnie wanted them gone completely, at the same time he didn't. They were a part of him, he couldn't imagine them just being gone. It sounded insane, probably.
With a heavy sigh, he stripped the rest of his clothes off and sank into the bath, turning the tap off. He was still sleepy, he hadn't fully woken up and being in hot water didn't help that. He felt as if he could fall asleep any moment, but that probably wouldn't be a good idea.
After a good 30-40 minutes, Johnnie had gotten out of the bath and dried himself off. He was wearing a long sleeved red - black striped shirt, black torn jeans with a red skull belt and a chain attached to him. He didn't bother putting on a jacket, because he knew he'd probably have to put a coat on later anyway. Even if it wasn't as cold as it usually is, and how it had been lately, it was still quite cold outside and he didn't want to risk getting sick. He hated being sick. Johnnie styled his hair, he put in more effort than he usually would, for some reason, making sure it looked just right as he disconnected the straightener, he then backcombed it for a bit before putting on some hairspray so that it would be flat within the next 5 minutes. He learned that the hard way. He carefully put on his black eyeliner, and then some black and dark red eyeshadow with that.

Johnnie was ready to go, but as he glanced at the clock his heart dropped with dread. It was only 10:48 am. He still had ages left; and Jake was most likely still asleep. He threw himself back into bed with a bored sigh. It would be a long 3 hours. He was never the patient type, especially when looking forward to something.
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not proof read cause I'm too lazy rn XD so forgive me for any mistakes and feel free to correct me:,)