Life Imitates Art

Part 30 - Guilt Trip

Max's Mum_

Sure. Paint me as the enemy. Do you think I want to be looming over my own son's shoulder like this? Do you think I enjoy it? I hate what I'm doing to him - that I have to be doing it at all.

I get it. Young people, younger generations, they come along and they find new ways of expressing themselves. New ways which speak to their own desires, interests, needs, inspirations, hobbies...fears... doubts... anxieties. Yes, I understand it. I even agree with it. Of course I do! Anyone in their right mind would share the opinion that the more people being their authentic selves in the world, the better a place it becomes. And one day, I'll wholeheartedly embrace exactly what and who Max is and the reasons he has and everything like that. You'll catch me as his biggest supporter bar none one day, I'll tell you. Be it that Max wants to be a girl, wants to just look like a girl, wants to grow up and marry a man and wear a dress and all of that...I'll be their crying as if it were my daughter... my older daughter, I should add.

Look, I don't like sifting through Max's bags before he goes anywhere. I don't like making sure he wears his trousers at the dinner table instead of a skirt and lightens up on the makeup a little bit when he's closer to the door.

I have my reasons for making sure he doesn't put too much of himself out there. He's not as strong as the other kids in his school, and I think that may have something to do with how he has been feeling recently. All those stronger, tougher, on-the-whole angrier boys and their egos, their auras, their... masculinity overpowering his. Of course, it stands to reason that he'll become the "girl" of the group. He'll be the one who feels the least like a man. I've seen that sort of thing in the documentaries about prison life. And sure, Max wouldn't say boo to a goose. He'd never even dream about breaking the law in his wildest nightmares. That's not even close to his style. He's an angel child.

But that school is a rowdy place. It produces results, and that much can't be disputed. But the characters it has to mould, especially at that sort of mid-way point of high school, can be really loud, incredibly bold ones. Max is a softie in comparison. My softie, and I love him all the more for it. I do worry that he won't be able to make it through that school as his real self.

'Why don't you just move him to another school?' Again? Look, there comes a point where, as a family, we need to accept Max's abnormalities - no, too harsh a word... his... quirks - are not going to gel with everybody. People are going to find him, and his drawings, peculiar. Some people have stronger, less desirable ways of showing that they find it so. Again, it makes me look terrible. It makes us all look like a horrible family and makes Max look like he's Matilda. Maxtilda if you will. God, I hope he doesn't pick a name like that if it does change. Maxine is fine, I can cope with that.

We all love Max. We all do. I don't say that empty-headed nor empty-hearted. I know it sucks when we don't get to do what we want. The way I see things... Max is 15 right now. He turns 16 towards the start of summer. He'll still need that protection. At 17, as school amps up and he has to focus on exams, he'll still need that safeguard. But once he's... she's... whoever. Once my child is an adult, they can be themselves in complete freedom. He's almost there.

I'm all for Max finding some kind of place to be himself outside of the house, but it's so hard to trust people these days. Anybody you think will be a reliable ally can turn into your worst enemy at a moment's notice. People turn on people like you turn on the tap for your hot water. No, Max needs more help. I understand that. Where to turn? I don't know.

My husband is clearly trying to strike a balance over it. He's trying to find somewhere that will let Max be himself, but everywhere we look has lower educational standards. He is at one of the elite Edinburgh schools, and it is described as such for a reason. We don't want to settle for poorer quality education just for the sake of letting Max wear a skirt when he feels like it. Weighing it up, it sounds selfish but it doesn't seem worth it at all.

Tessa is clearly for trying to get Max into her school. She doesn't seem to realise the stir that would cause. Some of those other kids at her school have brothers at Max's school. It's a pretty common setup. All it ever takes is one girl to blab to one boy about what Max does and it would be game over. He'd... no, I don't want to think about it.

I'm not a monster. I've been looking around, and I think I have even found a youth club for Max to go to. Well, Tess has. Of course, he'll still have to go as himself. I have no idea who runs it or who goes, but (she says) it has games and drawing and all the things Max would otherwise be doing in his room - well, the things I want to say he does. I'm not snooping around everything that he does, policing his every move. I wouldn't be able to cope if he genuinely does believe I'm doing this to hurt him. But when it comes to this girlishness? Mum needs to step in and make sure he doesn't get hurt or worse. Any mother would do the same if they feared for their child's physical well-being. I'm just being protective.

That'll keep his weekends busy. And apparently, it'll be running more regularly in study leave. I just hope Tessa knows who else is there.

Tessa_

Of course I know.