[SLOW UPDATES/ON HOLD]
She has long ago lost the desire to be alive. She is broken and bleeding. She was masking her tears with a smile so beautiful. She's tired of constantly fighting the demons to stay alive. She has given up on her life and herse...
The chilly winter breeze is sending shivers down my spine. But not minding that, I looked up towards the night sky. It's dark without moonlight and empty without stars. Just like my own life. I do not exactly remember when my life became so dark and empty. Or rather I believe it has always been such. I guess my grandpa might have predicted my life before naming me. Because I was given a name that was tailor-made for me. My name is Yamini, which means night or starry night. Starry night? Really?
I do not think so. Because all through my life, I've been searching for the twinkles of happiness, love, and peace. But now I'm tired and done. I'm done carrying the guilt. I'm done being a burden to people, being a mistake, useless, weak, unworthy, and lost. I'm done fighting this thing called life. I can take no more. I'm gonna end it for ones and all. I've been searching, hoping, and praying for the moonlight to guide me through this darkness that is within and around me. But now I've lost hope. Because I don't believe that I deserve the moonlight. I've lost trust in my fate that I will ever come out of this darkness. So, I've decided to fade into the darkness.
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With these thoughts in my head and tears in my eyes, I dug the cutter (a small blade used to open packs) into my arm. I shut my eyes due to the pain caused by the tool tearing my skin "Do it, Yamini. Just end the pain, suffering, hurt, and everything that you've been carrying. Just once, and you are done".My mind keeps telling me things that it always tells me. "You do not deserve the moonlight Yamini, because you are the personification of darkness. You surround everyone with your darkness. You are of no worth. Just do it to relieve yourself and everyone else from your burden. Nobody needs you around anyway. You are of no worth. Just do it."
I opened my eyes when I heard a loud honking noise from a car passing on the road and looked at my arm. A small amount of blood started to ooze. I immediately threw the cutter away, grabbed a tissue, and pressed it on the small cut. Despite the pain, I was desperately trying to stop the blood from oozing further, along with my tears and racing thoughts that were forcing me to end my life. "I know I do not deserve to breathe another breath. I also know that I'm worthless and useless and that I'm a burden to people. But I cannot do this. I just can't." The sobs are making it difficult to breathe.
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I cannot be selfish and end my life and scar my parents and brother for the rest of their lives. I know I'm only a burden on them. But I don't want people to point their fingers at them. They've been through a lot. I cannot do this to them, no matter how much they hate me or how useless I am. After all, they are the ones who are looking after me, even if it's only a responsibility they were forced to take or even if it's just to make others think of them highly for taking care of a person like me. Let the death come to me by itself. I'm ready to hug it anytime and anywhere it greets me. Until then, I'll try the best I can.
After spending a few more minutes on my balcony trying to calm my breath, stop my cry, clean my tears, and make sure the blood had stopped oozing out from the cut, I wheeled myself into the bedroom, feeling shivers from the cold night breeze and got settled into bed with the utmost difficulty. Once settled, I got busy with more gut-wrenching thoughts again. I tossed and turned to fall asleep and save myself from this distress. But try I might, sleep is nowhere close by.
I turned myself to my other side and my gaze fell on a photo frame of my Grandpa and myself, which is a collage of our various pictures, on the wall. I miss my grandpa (or darling as we used to call each other) so much that I cannot explain it.
Why did you leave me all alone in this world Grandpa? I feel so alone without you. Even you hate me too? Or even had you too gotten sick of me? Why darling? Why do you have to abandon me and leave this world? You were my only happy, peaceful, and safe haven. And now without you, my life has become all the more miserable. Tears started to fall. I need you, Grandpa. Please come back to me. I cannot go on any further. It's getting harder by the minute. Please help me. Please pull me out of this darkness somehow. PLEASE DARLING!!! And like that, I burst into a cry of agony for the nth time that night. I cried and cried and cried until I was too tired and fell asleep after wishing not to be alive to see the next moonlight.
