[SLOW UPDATES/ON HOLD]
She has long ago lost the desire to be alive. She is broken and bleeding. She was masking her tears with a smile so beautiful. She's tired of constantly fighting the demons to stay alive. She has given up on her life and herse...
"Wake up darling, you'll be late for school. Wake up". My Grandpa (paternal) is trying to wake me up in the most loving way. "Oh!! Please Darling, just 5 more minutes, please". I requested him. "School-going children should not be this lazy in the mornings. Get up now and get ready for school", he said while pulling off my blanket. "Abba grandpa, it's too cold. Please give me my blanket and let me sleep for some more time" I whined and requested. But instead of doing what I asked, he made me sit while holding my shoulders. "No. You're getting off the bed in 10 seconds. People should not have a rushed morning, they have to start it pleasantly", he started his 'Rules to Lead a Good Life' class, while I was leaning my head on his shoulders, not sure if I was listening to him. "Ouch!! Grandpa!!" I jerked when he not-at-all-angrily hit the back of my head.
Then I checked the time on the wall to see that I'd be late for school if I did not hurry up. "Mr. Vishwanath, you just wait until I come back from school in the evening. I have to teach you a lesson so that you'll not disturb my sleep ever again". I was threatening him in a fun way when my mom entered the room. "Oh, you are the one who woke up late and you are only threatening him? You should not speak to him like that". She warned me, with irritation apparent on her face, as always. "She has the right to speak to me however she wants, Devi. I told all of you so many times, that my mother has taken a rebirth in her form. So do not speak like that to her", my darling spoke authoritatively to silence my mother before she could spoil my morning any further.
"Ha, you are spoiling her with this pampering of yours", she murmured so that only I could hear. My grandpa smiled at me and left my room closing the door behind him, leaving me alone with my mom, who was shooting daggers at me. She helped me get ready for school, as I needed someone's assistance in doing so. She all of a sudden started getting mad at me and started taking out her frustration on me, "If only you could be normal and do your stuff by yourself like a big girl. But my ill fate! I have to look after everything in this house and on top of it I have to always assist you", and threw me on to the bed angrily.
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That action jolted me out of my sleep. I opened my eyes with a bit of struggle and looked around to see no one. Then I realized that was a dream. Abeautiful dreamof my darling grandpa. Even though it had ended not so lovingly, It was still a beautiful dream (how badly I miss him).I saw the sun's rays barging into my room. I checked the time and it was 9 am. The horrible reality. I instantly felt upset for still being alive, banged my head with my palm, and slowly rolled off the bed and onto my wheelchair with great difficulty, took a shower, got dressed, and exited my room.
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Now you see, I don't need anyone's and especially my mom's support to go through my day (well not for everything, but at least daily routines), all thanks to my darling. He made me go through training [which my parents were supposed to do when I was much younger but didn't] so that I could be self-reliant as much as I could, even if it was hard.
I reached the dining table, with absolutely no desire to eat (but I had no other choice) to find everyone done with their breakfast and sitting and talking. My brother left for his college. "Good morning Nanna", I told my dad in a meek voice, who was going through his phone. "Good morning", he replied without even looking at me. I quietly served myself breakfast and started eating quietly. My grandmother, as usual, was bossing around everyone and butting in even those matters that didn't concern her. And my mom was In the kitchen, ignoring my grandmother, and minding her work.
This is how it is in our home, everyone is so close, yet too far. We are called a family just for the heck of it. "What are you doing all day?" My father asked me while he was preparing to leave for his work. But just before I could reply, my too-involving granny answered, "All she does is sit in her room, and bury her head in her phone or laptop". Ugh, how I wish she became mute for good. "I'm currently working as a social media content creator for a local café, so I have to make a few posts and I have a meeting with the manager of the café", I said with a little stutter. Damn, I always stutter whenever I speak with my father (or with anyone that makes me anxious to speak).
"Oh. Do you get paid?", he asked sternly. "Yes, I do. Fifteen thousand per month". I said plainly. "Only fifteen thousand? What is it sufficient for? If you had studied a better course in college than arts, you would have a better-paying job", grandmother butted in. "It's been just three months since I started working. They'll raise the pay after a few months", I said, controlling my anger. I continued, "Also this is only a part-time job, I'm mostly concentrating on my preparation for a government job". Concentrating? My foot! Only I know how painfully frustrating it is to keep my mind still to finish any of my work. "Ok. Do you think you'll be able to land a job this time? This is your second attempt, right? For fucks sake leave me alone you demons, "Yes Nanna, I'm trying harder this time", I said just to escape from their further criticism. "Hm", and he left.
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After finishing my half-eaten breakfast, I took my cup of coffee and was about to go to my room to rot in it, but stopped when my mom called me. "Yamini, tonight we are going to your cousin's engagement. As she's our close relative, we are leaving early. So please don't be absent-minded and get ready on time. Okay?", she warned me. "Ok", I said and went into my room, where my struggle began. Because the amount of pain I go through to get my work done is unimaginable. Why am I like this? How am I supposed to go through my life being like this? "That's why just end it".
My brain has started its torture again. I shut my ears tightly with my hands, in an attempt to silence the voice. But the act was futile, as the voice was coming from the inside of my head. "No Yamini, stay calm. You are not going back to that dark place again". I tried talking to myself. Tears started to rolldown my cheeks. "Please, please, please, hold yourself together Yamini. You cannot ruin your face anymore, you have got a goddamn engagement to attend in the evening". But the sobs just wouldn't stop. Because the pain I feel is so intense. After crying till no more tears fell, I quickly washed my face and decided to get some work done.
