When We Write the Stars

Chapter 31: Cassie

 "I love him! I love him for the man he wants to be. And I love him for the man he almost is." – Jerry Maguire

     The past few days had been terrible, It was a blur of crying into my roommates' arms and blubbering about what happened. Forcing myself to go to class and to do my research work without breaking down, and using every ounce of restraint I had to not call or text him.

     We were over and it didn't feel real, or right. I knew it would happen, but it wasn't supposed to be this soon. He'd promised me these next few months, he'd let me believe he loved me, he let me fall in love with him. I'd never actually said it though. I don't know if I regretted that or not. If I'd said it would he have stayed? I kept asking myself that despite knowing the answer was no. This was his dream, there was absolutely nothing that either of us could've done differently.

     I missed him. So much. Every day I thought of about a thousand things I wanted to tell him and it'd hit all over again that I couldn't. He wasn't my person anymore. I missed him so much I'd followed the Maple Leafs on Instagram just to see him. They posted him holding his new jersey, and he'd looked so good.

     It wasn't fair, we broke up and I was here looking and feeling like complete and utter shit, and there he was looking better than ever signing his contract and getting everything he'd ever wanted. I wasn't a part of it, and I never would've been. I'd known it would hurt, I knew I'd feel this way, and yet I foolishly fell for him anyway.

     I'd been lying in bed when his name lit up my phone, and I'd never reached for it so fast. I'd been rewatching all the rom-coms we'd watched together pathetically just to feel something before his game started. I had to watch it all in my room because I knew there was no way the girls would let me watch it. If they knew I was they'd force me to go out or to watch anything else. I had to see it though, I had to see him achieve his dream, and selfishly I just wanted to see him again, to pretend for a half second that we were achieving this together.

     "And there he is, the man of the night Hayden West, the Leaf's newest rookie straight out of Seaport Washington, making his NHL debut tonight. He'll be playing on the third line tonight replacing Donaldson," one of the announcers says as they're showing the players skate around for warmups.

     The camera zooms in on his face, and I tear up a bit. He looks so good like he's thriving there. And I know from his call that he's nervous and that he's probably just as much a mess inside as I am, but he looks good. He looks like he belongs there, and he does.

     The game gets started, and the team they're up against doesn't seem to be very good, and the Leafs take the lead pretty early on. They're up 4-1 in the second period, which seems good for hockey when Hayden steals the puck and I stop breathing. He's skating down and there's no one even close to him, it's just him against the goalie.

     The puck soars straight into the goal. Tears unwillingly start streaming down my face. He did it. He more than did it, he just scored, in his first-ever game.

     "I've been telling you Paul, this kid is someone to look out for. From an assist to win the National Championship to now scoring a goal in his first-ever game. Hayden West is looking to make a name for himself in the NHL," one of the announcers says.

     "And What a shot, a rookie scoring in his first-ever game, you don't see that every day that's for sure," the other one responds.

     I grab my phone and have a congratulations text halfway typed, then delete the entire message. I'm not supposed to do that anymore, that's something that a girlfriend does. I'm not a girlfriend anymore. I'm just. I don't even know. I guess I'm just a fan.