When We Write the Stars

Chapter 32: Hayden

 "I wish I knew how to quit you."– Brokeback Mountain

     Slowly, but surely, Cassie and I began talking on the phone almost every day. We almost never texted, and we never talked about us, or the breakup, or the fact that we'd probably never see each other again, but we talked for hours about everything else.

     I texted and talked with the guys all the time about how great being a pro hockey player was, but Cassie was the only one who knew how intimidated I was going into each new stadium for an away game. She was the only one who knew how nervous I got during interviews that I'd say the wrong thing.

     I hadn't so much as looked at another girl since I'd been in Toronto, it'd feel too much like I was cheating on her. Which was ridiculous because we were broken up, and I knew we were, it just didn't completely feel like it given how we talked every day. We never talked about either of our dating lives, and for all I knew she was seeing someone else, but I didn't think she was. I knew she didn't tell anyone we were talking, she was always alone when we spoke, and I didn't tell anyone either.

     We both knew it was wrong, and not helping us get over one another, but we couldn't stop. Every time her name lit up on my phone, I'd smile so wide and drop whatever I could to answer it. We'd gotten pretty good about figuring out each other's schedules and when a good time was to call given the time difference.

     Things were genuinely going well in Toronto though, we'd gotten out during the third round of the playoffs which had sucked, but I'd been on cloud nine just to have made it to the playoffs, we all had. And after a few weeks on the team, I'd started to feel more and more like I belonged there, and the guys all seemed pretty cool.

     I was staying in Toronto, trying to find a house or an apartment during the off-season, and had played more golf in these past few weeks than I had in my entire life. I knew pretty much all pro athletes liked to play golf for fun, and I never thought I'd become one of those guys, but I wanted to fit in so badly that every time I got invited I'd say yes, then laugh with everyone at just how bad I was at golf. I still didn't understand the hype around the game, but it was nice to start getting closer to some of my teammates.

     Cassie was looking for a place in Boston, and at the same time, I was looking for a place in Toronto so a lot of our conversations centered around that, and going through Zillow at the same time for our respective cities. We'd laugh at some of the awful or ridiculous properties, and then discuss the pros and cons for others. We had very different budgets for places, with her looking for a small studio she could live in during grad school, and me looking for a nicer place now that I could afford it. Knowing us though her place would undoubtedly end up being decorated better than mine thus making it a better place. I got sad whenever I thought about the fact that we'd never get to see each other places.

     We talked so much that it was definitely stunting the process of getting over her, but I didn't mind. Cassie Bennet wasn't someone I was ready to get over. I wanted to stay stuck on her for as long as possible, as terrible of a mindset as that was. I just couldn't stomach the idea of going on a date with anyone but her, and everyone I knew said that that feeling would pass, I was just waiting for it to finally happen. It hadn't yet though, and I wasn't sure if it ever would.

     "No way, Shotgun Wedding was good but you can't even try to compare it to 10 Things I Hate About You," Cassie said laughing one afternoon as we were discussing or arguing rather about our favorite of the movies we'd watched for that film class a million years ago.

     "Shotgun Wedding had pirates in it. And explosions. Case closed, none of the other movies had any of that."

     "Okay, but none of the others needed that to remain interesting."

     "No, you did not just say that," I almost shout, "I was halfway asleep during almost all of the other movies."

     "That's such BS," she calls out, pausing for a moment, "You were all the way asleep for most of them."

     We both laugh, "Anytime I watch a movie now I focus more on the music than I ever would've before."

     "Me too," she says, "I feel like such a film nerd, but I always have to tell people little factoids about it like oh they're using minimalism right here."

     I laugh, "You're like that with everything though. If you have a fact to share, you always share it."

      "That's not true, I hold back a lot," she counters.

     "That wouldn't shock me, otherwise you'd probably never stop talking."

     "That is so," she cuts off, and I can hear the muffle of her talking to someone else, "It's no one. Hey, sorry I gotta go," she says then hangs up before I can say anything else.

     That was weird, I try not to think about who she could've been talking to. I hope it isn't another guy. Oh god, what if she's already completely moved on, and I'm the only one who's still stuck in the past wishing things could've gone down differently?

      A few hours later, I'm walking back from the gym from one of my off-season workouts, when I get a call from a number I don't recognize. It has a Washington area code though so I answer it in case it's someone I do know, "Hello?"

     "Hayden?"

     "Alyssa?"

     "Oh you recognize my voice, I wasn't expecting that," she says sounding as perky as ever.

      "Is everything okay, is Cassie okay? Why are you calling me?"

     "No everything isn't fine. You need to stop calling Cassie every day."

     "What, why," I ask genuinely confused. How does this concern her?

     "Look Hayden, I never really liked the two of you together. I knew she was just signing up to get her heart broken when you started dating. And she did, then all of a sudden she seemed to be doing a little bit better."

     "Okay, that's good though right?"

     "No, because she's not over you, and she's not going to get over you if you guys keep going on like this. Stop calling her."

     "Don't tell me what to do, I'll talk to her if I want to."

     "Hayden," she says sounding more frustrated now, "Cassie's moving to Boston in two days. She's finally going to be living her dream, she gets to start over and have a clean slate."

     "I know, and I'm really excited for her."

     "Then stop calling her. Stop talking to her every day. You're holding her back. I know you loved her or whatever, but she needs to move on in order to live her life in Boston, and she can't do that if she's on the phone with you every day refusing to."

     "I..." I have no idea what to say, I don't want to be holding her back.

     "Look she's my best friend okay, I just don't want to see her hurt more, and what you're doing as good as you both feel about it. It's just hurting you both more. Either be together or don't just stop whatever this halfway-in-between thing is."

     "We've been talking for months, why now?"

     "I had my suspicions, but she kept it a secret. It wasn't until tonight when I interrupted your call that I knew for sure. You're a pro hockey player now, you can have virtually any girl you want. So stop fucking around with my friend's emotions."

     "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to..."

     "I know. You both think you're doing the right thing, but you're just hurting each other more. I don't want to be the bad guy here, but someone has to be."

     I sigh, "Thank you, Alyssa, I think I know what I have to do."

     "Good. I'm sorry it happened this way, she really was happy when the two of you were together."

     I hang up and continue walking, I walk for hours all over the city. I get recognized by a few people and snap a few pictures, but the entire time I'm just thinking about Cassie and what I have to do and just how hard it's going to be...