Right Here

Chapter 20

When Friday arrived, I sent a message to Jongin confirming that we were still on for dinner since I hadn't heard from him since he left my office the previous day. He replied with a simple "yes" so that evening, I made my way over. The atmosphere was already beyond tense when I arrived. I could tell he was on guard and withdrawn by the way he just stepped aside to let me in. I was immediately worried about how the night would turn out. Firstly, I didn't smell anything cooking. Even when fully entering his apartment. The dining table was bare and there were no signs of prep work on the part of the kitchen counter that I could see. But the biggest red flag was that he was dressed in sweats and a T-shirt. Granted, that wasn't abnormal, but on our recent "date" nights, he usually put in some effort. Not to mention, his expression was stone cold, and he had yet to look me in the eyes.
"Everything...okay?" I asked cautiously as we stood facing each other in his living room.
"We need to talk." The classic statement that always sent thoughts spiraling.
"Are you upset at me about something?" Admittedly, it was a dumb question, but I didn't know what else to say. I felt the walls closing in and I didn't like it.
"I'm not upset. Just confused." He said. We finally looked at each other. It was quiet. Only the sound of rain pattering against the window in the background, which seemed too perfect for the situation.
"Confused about what?"
"You and Baekhyun." He said, tone remaining neutral.
"What?" A slightly confused laugh left my lips.
"What is he to you?"
"Jongin, what does Baekhyun have to do with anything?"
"Are you sleeping with him?" It was infuriating how he seemed so calm on the outside but I knew something was burning within him.
"Jongin-."
"A couple months ago," he interrupted, "I remember that night I ran into you at the office. It was super late. You were nervous." His gaze was sharp. I held my breath. "You were leaving his office, weren't you? He's the reason you were always on our floor, isn't it?"
"Because I work with him on cases."
"I don't need excuses." He shook his head and scoffed.
"Are you really being serious right now?" I asked incredulously.
"You smelled like sex, Brielle." He was looking at me again. I caught the disappointment which just made me feel sick. "But I brushed it off because it wasn't any of my business. But now? Now it is becoming my business."
"Jongin, we're not officially together."
"Which is why I'm so confused Brielle!" Now he was letting his anger and frustrations show. "You said you wanted to give us a try yet you're still giving another guy your attention? Leaving me for him? Cancelling on me for him? Having lunch dates with him?" It clicked.
"Okay, so that's what this is about." I laughed. I couldn't believe we were having an argument over this. "We weren't having a lunch date."
"It sure looked like one."
"Junmyeon was with us."
"Brielle, that's not even my point. The point is, one minute you're giving me the greenlight but the next you're...treating me like you changed your mind." He huffed. "I don't understand. Am I doing something wrong?"
"No, it's not that." I sighed. "This whole thing has just been a lot."
"Then why not talk to me about it instead of just avoiding me?" Oh, he had some nerve. I'm not sure if he meant that as a slight or if he was genuinely curious or worried, but the way he said it sure seemed like an attack.
"Wow, coming from you?" I scoffed. His brow furrowed.
"Yes, coming from me. I'm at least putting in the effort, but you don't seem to be trying."
"Okay, this conversation is spiraling. What are you trying to get at Jongin?"
"It's really starting to feel like you're acting like this just to get back at me for what I did and sure, I may deserve it, but that doesn't seem fair especially when I'm putting in an honest effort this time."
"Jongin, what the fuck are you talking about? I'm not trying to get back at you." He was throwing blow after blow, giving me a second to breathe.
"It seems like it. Just play with my feelings with no intention of getting back together."
"I'm not childish. Why would I waste my time and energy doing that when I could have just ignored you when you were on your knees begging for me in my office?" I fired back. He scrubbed his hands over his face in annoyance.
"Then what is it Brielle? Is it Baekhyun then?"
"Why do you keep bringing that up?" This conversation was going far left into a direction I would have never expected. He stared me down, jaw clenched. There was a fire burning in his eyes that I didn't like. He let out a breath.
"Are you still sleeping with him?"
"Oh, you're really serious right now." I couldn't believe it. My heart was pounding and the anger was rising. He had some nerve.
"Just tell me the truth."
"That is none of your business."
"Obviously it is if he's the reason why you don't want to give us a genuine chance." I understood his frustration, but he had no right to point fingers this way.
"He is not the only reason why I don't want to give us a chance."
"So it's true then-."
"Have you completely forgotten all of the shit you've done?" He wanted to play, so we could play. He was quiet now, looking away and placing his hands back into his pockets. "Oh, okay, I thought so."
"I've changed."
"I'm sure you have but that doesn't mean I'm just going to magically forget all that happened. We can't start on a clean slate. That's not going to happen."
"So you're still mad at me then?"
"Yes, Jongin I'm still fucking mad. You yourself know what you put me through so of course it isn't fucking easy to jump into a relationship with you because I keep thinking that what if I go through with this and you just end up cheating again or leaving me. Then I just made myself look stupid yet again. I can't take that."
"I apologized."
"Sorry is not going to fix it and you know it." I huffed.
"That's why I've been trying to show you but you're not giving me the chance."
"Do you understand how deeply you hurt me? You destroyed my trust over and over again and showed zero remorse. Because of you, I haven't been able to trust the same way." I said. "You may have been able to move on but I couldn't."
"I clearly haven't moved on."
"Okay, sure. You haven't moved on but do you know how it feels to not be able to fully trust someone you're dating?" I asked. He looked away from me. "Every person I try to date, I'm always worried they're cheating or that they don't really like me or I'm just waiting for them to treat me like garbage. All of that is fucking ingrained in me because of you. I can't just get over that in a few weeks Jongin. I can't."
"Then maybe we shouldn't do this." The silence was blaring. "Maybe this was a mistake." I scoffed.
"You say that now? After all that begging, pleading, and chasing. You get into my head, fuck me up, and now you're saying it was a mistake?"
"Brielle you know I don't mean it like that." He sounded exasperated.
"I'm sick of people telling me that." I fumed. "Then how exactly did you mean it? Huh? Please explain because I don't know where you were, but that's what happened. You begged for me to forgive you and "open doors" for you and when you see is not as easy as you thought it was, you change your mind."
"You're not even sure you want this so why string me along?"
"I'm stringing you along?"
"That's what it feels like. I'm the only putting in effort while you're putting me to the side so you can go fuck someone else." He said. "I meant it when I wanted to try again but you don't seem to want that so what are we doing here?"
"I can't believe this." I laughed. "I really can't believe this. You're right. Maybe it was a mistake." The intensity of our stare could have started a fire. The air between us was stifling. This time, I was the first to make a move. "Thanks for making this decision easier for me. Bye Jongin." His gaze dropped to the floor as I walked out.