End Game (Charles Leclerc x Max Verstappen)

this is me trying

Charles Leclerc

I really do not like to sit at home and cry. Not only is it very exhausting but I would much rather be driving in circles at life threatening speeds while sweating my ass off than sitting in my bed for the third day in a row with salty tear lines practically permanently etched onto my face. 

It has been nearly two weeks since Max ran out of my apartment, grabbing Pen's tiny hand and probably sprinting away before I could bother to stop him. I know it is my fault, I should not have been talking badly about him being a father or saying how Kelly will be disappointed. It is not my place, but he attacked me as well. We are both not innocent.

Even though it was only for one day, I miss Pen's laughter and Max's weirdly competitive, and sometimes drunken, company. It is very hard to be alone without my car and team who I have become very close with over the years. We have already missed five races and they are going to cancel the Azerbaijan and Canadian grand prix's as well. It is not fair.

I have tried to have fun gaming with Lando, Pierre and some of the other drivers, and I have quite enjoyed myself. For a few days we played with a goat simulator and tractors and we even raced with lawn mowers. It was fun but I miss my car. 

I am not worrying about Max... well perhaps that is a lie, my red puffy eyes and swollen cheeks seem to prove otherwise. It is just, we were finally getting somewhere. Max was talking about Kelly and Penelope was having a lot of fun, Max and I even seemed like we might form a good friendship. But then I fucked it up. When he asked if I was gay, my whole body reacted, I maybe could have told him the truth but then he used that word and, it is nearly impossible to stop the shiver from raking my body as I think back to that moment, I could not tell him. 

Maybe I have a small problem with being defensive because I would have cried otherwise and Max Verstappen is not a man I would ever cry in front of. I attacked him, for no fault that he did, and I felt, I still remain feeling, very guilty for not protecting a community that has welcomed me and kept my secrets for so long. But, I do believe Max is right. Being gay, or telling people that I am because there is not very much I can do to change it now, would ruin my career. I do not think Mattias, or any of the other team principals much less the FIA or the Formula 1 brand would accept me. Not right now. Not when the whole world was falling apart and I had seen what happened to Lewis and Nico, even if they had never actually confirmed their relationship. 

I do not want to be remembered as the first gay Formula 1 driver who was not hiding in the cupboard. I want to be remembered for the things I have done for my papa and Jules. My whole life is about their legacy, it is about my own yes but I must do what they could not. I cannot disappoint them. 

My ringing phone pulls me from my spiral of dispair.

"Bonjour Charles, comment ca vas? T'as pas m'appelé ces derniers jours et je n'était même plus sûr que tue étais en vie." (Hello Charles, how are you? You didn't call me these past few days and I wasn't even sure you were still alive) I can tell that Pierre is joking, but the words still make me feel guilty for ignoring his other calls. 

"Oh je suis désolé. Je ne voulais pas t'inquitéter Pierre. J'ai juste été un peu en repos ces jours-ci et je n'ai pas meme quitté mon lit." (Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to worry you Pierre. I have been a little bit off these pas few days and have barely even left my bed." I do not know how much to tell Pierre, would he care to hear about the Max situation, I do not think so but, because he is my best friend who would understand, I say it anyway. "Max et moi... je t'avais dit quail viendrait Mais ça ne s'est pas très bien terminé. Nous nous somme baths à la fin et j'ai dit des choses assez méchantes. Il n'était pas très lentil non plus mais j'ai l'impression d'avoir déjà rendu sa vie encore pire." (Max and I... I told you that he'd come over but it didn't end very well. We fought by the end and I said some pretty mean things. He wasn't very nice either but I feel like I have already made his life worse."