Omg, crazy. Not angst (ish angst is just me)
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It had been years, not much human contact, being out on duty was awesome at first, being out and serving the country. But when the reality hits you you just feel terrible, every night I feel sick to my stomach. The image of my brothers dying in my arms their pleads to let their family know they love them and that they don't want to die.
I walked around the barracks, my boots hitting the ground with soft thuds, every so often my foot dragging a little. It was quiet for the most part, nothing was really happening. A few soldiers sat in a circle playing cards. Others goofed around in their quarters. Some I'd met when they first arrived, few looked up to me as a father. I hated it, what if i died and not only would I be worried about my real family but all the young men who see me as the father they never had and have now lost again in battle
I sat down on the edge of my uncomfortable cot, not really a bed but we can't be picky. My weight dipped into the material, the old metal structure groaned as if it was in pain from all the weight it supported over the years, I had a deflated pillow and a few thin blankets, I unlaced my boots slowly and pulled them off my feet and let the hit the ground with a thud as I set them down.
I stood up and sighed as i walked to the small bathroom attached to my quarters the shower never ran super hot, warm at best. The shower crackled to life as freezing cold water spashed against the floor of the shower. I looked at ny face in the mirror, I didn't even recognize myself. When I enlisted I was a happy man with hopes and dream, I looked so...dead. my eyes had dark bags, and my hair was messy, my mouth stayed in a firm frown that never cracked up into a smile. I forced a small smile before deciding I hated the way it looked and frowning once more.
I began the strip the clothes off my body, grimacing in disgust at every mark, scar, and dip in my form. My clothes hit the floor, and I sighed, stepping into the shower which now pumped lukewarm water down my sore and aching body.
I let out a deep sigh, my muscles twitched in pain. I fiddled with the water trying to see if I could get it any warmer. The water began to heat up, slowly warming my body more and more by the second, the water burned my skin and stung, every touch or movement sent stinging pain up my spine but I ignored it, and just stood under the water, letting my mind run.
"What are you doing with your life" the main thought to cross my mind, what was I doing, I was risking my life for a country that didn't give two shits about mine if I didn't make over 6 figures. My eyes drooped, and I just stared up at the shower head, the water went into my eyes but I was done with everything I didn't care and just dealt with it. Was I going crazy?, I would know right? Whatever it's fine.
I could feel my throat tighten, and I swallowed the growing lump. I shook my head and stepped out of the shower the cold air whipped at my wet naked body, in which I hated to look at. One would think that after being fit and statistically attractive one would be happy, no.
I hurried to get my clothes on, not drying off. As I buttoned my pants and paused, staring at my body in the mirror. The pants were much looser then I remembered, and hung lower on my hips, the top on my boxers peeked out, I just rolled my eyes and looped my belt through them and tightened it. The shirt was next, I pulled it on, the feeling of the growing damness around the collar sent chills down my spine and reminded me how much I hated the feeling of cold wet fabric on my skin.
Now that I'd thought of it I hadn't eaten alot the past few days. I'm sure I'd be fine.
I gave myself one last venomous and disgusted glance. Before walking away. I didn't like the way my body moved, or the way my skin felt, or the way my skin scared with every cut, scrape, or laceration. Or the way my skin dipped into my bone structure to create dips and dents, I hated the way my voice sounded in my own head, I hated the way other people spoke to me.
I layed on my bed, or cot and shut my eyes shivering beneath my thin blankets, waiting for the next day to pass.
