Know your worth

Nightmare

Before reading this I just want you to know that everything I forgiven this man I was being manipulated, lost and scared. I believed I deserved this faith because of the way I was.

Your first relationship you always know it was bad.
Maybe not for everyone but it was for me. My first boyfriend was 2 year and a half older than me. I was blinded by love, I wanted to see him all the time he was my priority. He was the only guy I talked to. The whole school forgot about my bullying drama and I did also with him. He was my everything, first kiss and first sex. That is how you know you get attached and that is how it ruined me.

At first I would only see him at school but slowly going to his place when his mom was at work it was more often. We would always go to his house only to do one thing.. I know I should've known but I didn't at the time I was the young girl who didn't know what was going on. Months would pass by and we had more fights. Always arguing. It started by I was no allowed to wear what I want. No leggings, no tight t-shirt and always something covering by but. I was against it but I didn't want him to break up with me so I ended up listening to him. More time would pass by everything was fine but my friends were hating on him. I was always with him and the days I was not it's because I was crying cause of him. They talked bad and eventually he realized, we fought again, he told me to stop talking to them because they were only brainwashing me. They want me to only stick with them that's why. I believed him and cut them off.. slowly it was getting worst. I would always go to his house but this time it was no fun anymore. We would clearly just have sex but I tried to not think that way. Sometimes he was nice and that's what made me stick to him. I lost all my friends I was alone after all he was the only one I got.

One day at school we were walking in the hallway to get to our lockers. We were playing around, I touched his hair and suddenly he just got really aggressive. My face got smack and I got pushed to the locker. I didn't know what to do it was so random I simply started crying. Everyone was watching whole school passing by and he just kept doing his things ignoring my presence until my old friend took me away from him. I went to the bathroom I locked myself there till the bell ring and went home. I cried so much that day and never understood why he got angry.
I got home he textes me that he's really sorry and that he has some anger issues. And that he would react that way around his mom too sometimes. Since his dad died he became really aggressive and also towards his mom. He almost punched her in the face. For a small context my ex was not tiny he was 6" tall and a football player. I was terrified. I got hit on the face multiple times I had a purple marks on my face it was so hard to hide but I would find a lie so my parents don't get worried.

I blamed it on his dad death and was just feeling bad for him. I did forgive him.

2 years later
He cheated on me many times at other parties I was not allowed to attend myself.
I did forgive him
We would fight and leave me outside in the middle of the street
I did forgive him
He insulted with everything you could think of and told me multiple times to kill myself
I did forgive him

I would still go to his house for the same thing all over again but some times I was just not feeling it. I was to scared to tell him I'm not in the mood.
Suddenly I've got the courage to tell him that I didn't wanted to do it today  "no I don't want to have sex". I simply wanted to spend time with him cuddling . He would force it into me.. even after I said no. Multiple days after I got the courage to tell him.. it was useless. He forced me to join him in the shower. I didn't want but last time we took a shower we didn't had sex so I thought it wasn't meant for that. Not even asking me he grabbed me and just put it in. I really told him I didn't want to and begged to stop, I cried but he didn't care. After he finished I got dressed up quietly with tears on my face. I sat on his bed and waited.. he was clearly just on his phone ignoring me. Then I told him I'm tired and took a bus back home still crying.

It happened many times all over again.....
That day traumatized me and I was devastated I was scared to be touched again by a man.

I ignored everything that happened but completely lost feelings...

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I swear I'm fine lol :,)