Chasing the Boy

Chapter Eight

The major flaw in making a courageous move, such as baring your soul in a letter, is the likelihood that you will chicken out before actually delivering the thing. Knowing I would probably talk myself out of ever allowing Gregg to see it, I passed the letter along to Nicky, who passed it along to Fred with the instructions of passing it along to Gregg.

I was overcome with high anxiety and mental strain the second the letter left my possession. I didn't know when Gregg would get it, or when he would read it... For the next few nights, I sat at home and wondered if he was, at that very moment, reading the letter and having himself a good chuckle at my expense. It was all I could think about.

Thursday night arrived and everyone was meeting at the Farm. I knew Gregg would be there. It'd been three days since I'd handed over the letter – he must have read it by now, but I hadn't heard from him.

Kate pulled up to the curb and I remained in the car a few extra moments. When I could no longer sit there without drawing attention to myself, I got out and joined my friends at the top of the hill.

That's when I saw him. He was sitting at the mouth of one of the slides, looking as beautiful as ever, and staring off into the distance. I wished I could get a glimpse of his thoughts, which he seemed to be so completely lost in. He looked up then and saw me. I felt like I was falling off a cliff. I looked away, feeling sick to my stomach, and walked over to Ali. She was talking to a few of the guys and I tried to join in the conversation but I could barely concentrate on what they were saying.

"Have you ever read something so beautiful, so amazing, that you had to read it again and again – you just couldn't put it down?"

I felt like my legs were made of lead – I couldn't move. My feet seemed fixed to the ground, as if I were a tree that had long ago embedded its roots deep within the earth. It was Gregg, I knew that, but was he talking to me? I mean, he could have been talking to anyone.

"Hey, can we talk?" I knew he was talking to me now. He was staring right at me.

Ali, Nicky and Kate looked at me, saw the color drain from my face, and did what any good friends would do – they left. They took the guys with them, casually leading the group down the hill under the pretense that they wanted to go on the swings. I couldn't move - even if I wanted to go with them, my legs wouldn't cooperate. Besides, isn't this what I wanted - a chance to talk to Gregg and make him remember how special I was?

He moved closer to me and my heart was thudding in my chest. I wished I'd spent more time deciding what to wear because jean shorts, a tee shirt and sandals suddenly didn't seem adequate. I also wished I'd worn my hair down; I could've let it fall in front of my face, like a blond curtain. Maybe then I wouldn't have felt so naked.

When he was close enough that I could no longer avoid looking at him, I turned to face him. I wished he wasn't so damn beautiful because when I looked at him, I was so taken with his beauty I found myself at a loss for words. Thankfully, he spoke first.

"I got your letter," he said. He was looking me right in the eyes. I felt like a bug under a microscope. Under such scrutiny I was afraid he was bound to discover all of my faults. I glanced away and swallowed.

"Oh," I replied.

Oh? I wondered. Oh? Could I sound more idiotic? Where was the articulate composer of honest, heart-rending love letters?

"It was beautiful," he told me. "I've read it so many times it's all smudged and creased – it's practically falling apart. No one has ever written something so beautiful for me."

I swallowed again, and looked at him. "I had to write it," I said. I threw all caution to the wind. "I had to make you understand why that night was so important to me. You may have forgotten it, but I haven't – I can't – and I thought you should know why. Besides, if I hadn't written it, hadn't given it to you, I would have walked around with all this unfinished business hanging over my head. It was really as much for me as it was for you."

"Like getting a weight off of your shoulders?" he asked and I nodded.

Being near him sent the blood rushing through my veins and made my heart thud heavily in my chest. I was heady with a feeling of limitless possibility. I had the world in the palm of my hand and what I did at that very moment would determine my destiny.

"You're too sweet for me," he said and I blinked in surprise. "I remember that night, now that you've so eloquently reminded me, and I never should have forgotten it in the first place. But, that's just me – that's who I am. I meet people, I experience things, I move on."

Uh oh – this was not how I had envisioned the rest of our conversation.

"What you deserve, Jaime, is someone who never would have forgotten you in the first place. You're too good for that."

"I don't think I'm too good for you," I said, not able to meet his eyes.

Gregg smiled and touched my cheek. I remembered that he'd made a similar gesture the night we'd met. It had the same effect on me now as it did then – I couldn't catch my breath.

"If I hadn't read that letter, I'd probably kiss you right now," he said. Looking into his eyes, I knew he meant it. I suddenly wanted to kick myself for writing the letter in the first place.

"But why? I don't understand," I stammered. I would've given my right arm to have him kiss me at that very moment.

"Because," he said. He was still touching my cheek. "I kiss a lot of girls. I couldn't even tell you how many girls I've kissed."

I looked away, my face burning with embarrassment. "That's fine," I said.

"No," he interrupted me. "You don't understand what I mean. Like I said, I kiss a lot of girls, but it never really means anything to me. I know more about you – about who you are inside – than most of the girls I've slept with. And the thing is, I like you – genuinely like you." He shook his head, as if surprised by the truth of his words.

"So what's the problem, then?" I asked. I was getting bolder by the second.

"The problem is you deserve better than that," he said. He let his hand fall back to his side. I immediately missed its warmth. I opened my mouth, ready to argue that I did not deserve better than that, but he cut me off.

"I know myself too well – I'm not ready for something serious, as much as being with you makes me wish I were, and I don't want to take the chance I might break your heart."

I sighed and looked away. "Okay," I said. "Well, it was nice seeing you again."

"Wait," he said. I looked at him, expectantly. He paused, thinking. "I like hanging out with you, I like talking to you. Let's spend some time together," he offered. "I have a month before I go back to school. We can just chill, you know, and see what happens."

My spirits soared, and my heart was suddenly so full I thought it would burst right out of my chest.

"Okay," I told him.

He took my hand and we walked down the hill. Just holding his hand was reward enough. My friends looked at me - Ali gave me a thumbs-up. I smiled back even though I knew the task ahead of me would be difficult, to say the very least. I had only a month to make Gregg fall in love with me.