ᴀ ʟɪᴛᴛʟᴇ ᴅᴇᴀᴛʜ || ꜱᴏᴜᴋᴏᴋᴜ

• 15 •

"I love my bed, but I'd rather be in yours." Dazai purred. The duo were sitting on the sofa watching an anime, with Arahabaki curled up on Chuuya's lap (much to Dazai's disdain).

"If you're tired then just go to bed, I'm not forcing you stay up on a school night."

"That's not what I meant-"

"Shut up! Nanami is on screen." Chuuya hushed him and stared at the TV like it was the most alluring piece of furniture he'd ever seen. Dazai grumbled something before setting his hoisin duck on the table. He picked up a slice of meat and dangled it in front of Arahabaki. She awoke from her slumber with a hungry start and licked her lips. Dazai tossed the meat across the room and she scrambled after it. With Chuuya's lap now empty, Dazai laid his head down on his thighs. Chuuya rolled his eyes.

"Seriously Dazai, go to sleep."

"Not unless you're there." Dazai gazed at Chuuya from below, twirling a piece of fiery hair around his index finger. "I don't want to be alone right now."

"Why?" Chuuya was met with silence, and he peered down to Dazai staring at him sadly.

"I... have a tool I use when I'm not feeling great, mentally."

"A tool?"

"My mother gave it to my father to protect me against grim reapers, it's a harp. She used to make heavenly weapons."

"Oh, that's nice." Chuuya had never heard of a harp being used as a weapon to fend off grim reapers before.

"The strings are blades, they can cut otherworldly beings with ease, and they never heal. I never used it until I was about fifteen."

"Did you encounter a grim reaper?" Dazai was quiet, his eyes drooping, fighting exhaustion.

"Not exactly." Dazai sluggishly pulled his sweater sleeve up, and revealed his bandages. Suddenly, Chuuya understood. "I struggle with my humanity, being half guardian angel and always feeling different from the other kids. I never experienced a loving home, I never had a human mother, or any mother figure for that matter. My dad was a raging alcoholic and I was alone for most of the days. When I applied for university, I moved into a student housing and met Kunikida. He came home one night to my attempt at slitting my wrists with one of these blades. They never closed up, and Kunikida is studying nursing, so he's been changing my stitches for about two years now? That's how he found out about my guardian angel blood." Chuuya said nothing, he wasn't surprised at the actions, but rather how he felt. He had become accustomed to Dazai's suicidal actions but had no idea that he actually felt suicidal. He always thought it was some weird grim reaper kink. He instantly felt his stomach drop as he imagined a younger, struggling Dazai Osamu and his lack of humanity. He knew of Dazai's self harming from when he had previously undressed in front of him, half asleep and not wearing bandages. But, as a grim reaper with no history of mental illness, it wasn't something he understood. Sure, he knew he must be feeling bad but he thought it was another weird way to give himself a high.

When he looked back at previous memories, he had completely overlooked how fresh the cuts always were, and he wasn't paying enough attention to his stitched up wrists that never healed. In hindsight, he was quite ignorant of Dazai's struggles, only seeing him as an assignment or a bother. He felt awful, and guilty and all of these emotions that he had never felt about anyone before. It was like he was hurting because of Dazai's hurt, like they shared a body. It was strange, but now he was just staring at Dazai and the guardian angel was growing increasingly hurt with every second of silence.

"You didn't have to tell me this."

"Sure I did, you'll see me naked one day," Dazai smirked, before his facade dropped. "I didn't want you to be disgusted by me. It's not a big deal, I can wear bandages."