Bird of Paradise • taekook

Twenty Two

The days are starting to all blend into one again.

Work, sleep, surf with Yoonji in silence. Dusk, dawn, sitting with Namjoon as he scribbles, and scribbles.

Thoughts are a dangerous thing, can quickly overwhelm and cut deep if allowed to fester. So Jungkook keeps himself busy, adding more time slots for surfing lessons, organizing the shed when he's off, fixing things around the house, driving Yoonji around to chase the waves. Busy until late into the night, so he can collapse into bed, muscles spent, mind too drowsy to remember the unrelenting heartache.

The only time Jungkook's emotions are able to slip out is when he sings at Jimin's bar, with the lights dimmed, and the tourists too drunk to pay attention. The strumming of the guitar comes subconsciously, like muscle memory, and his voice betrays his impassive expression, with reverie seeping out of each gravelly word:

He got some dangerous hobbies
Like chasin' after the sun, and making me fall in love
'Til I'm sick to my stomach
Until I throw back a dozen
Until I'm drivin' a hundred
With my hands off the wheel, just to see how it feels

It's strange, how his mind clears of meandering thoughts when the notes of the song reverberate against his chest, yet the raw unadulterated emotions suddenly become impossible to ignore. A deep sorrow, an emptiness, for someone he didn't realize he would miss so much.

Singing is carthartic, a safe way to let out the emotions he barely understands. Sometimes he pours too much into it, playing another and another song, until his voice is hoarse, fingerpads raw from strumming. Afterwards, when he sits at the bar and watches Jimin close down, he'd see the glint of hesitation in Jimin's gaze, which is strange because Jimin usually never hesitate to give him an earful of his opinion.

"Don't you think the songs are getting a little too mopey? Half of the customers left after the first 20 minutes of your set..." Jimin eyes him cautiously and clears his throat, "not that I care, you know you're always welcome to play whatever you want here..."

Jungkook chugs his beer a little too fast, and after a moment of awkward silence, asks, "just say it, say what's on your mind already, the way you stare at me is making me nervous."

Jimin sighs, a little more dramatic for effect, "you've been so down, it's like you're mourning the dead but don't want to talk about it... about him... I mean, if you miss him that much, you can reach out to him, no? There are flights too? You can go find him out there?" Another sign, this one genuinely troubled, "we're all suffering here watching you suffer, dude. Please, for the sake of all of us, please just talk to him and sort it out..."

Jungkook frowns, "there's nothing to sort out, he was a visitor, we've all known this from the start. And now his trip has ended, he's gone, not coming back."

Jimin's hands pause from the glasses he was drying, "do you really believe in that? You think we're idiots like you? That we'd lie to ourselves the way you are doing? He meant something to you, to all of us, still does. I know it's asking a lot, for you to reach out and try again, but I- I just think you will regret it if you don't..."

Jungkook wants to yell at Jimin, wants to slam his drink and walk away, but the way Jimin's looking at him, at a loss for words for the first time in a long while, eyes gleaming with concern, it all makes Jungkook feel suddenly deflated. He takes a few more gulps of the beer, and responds, avoiding Jimin's gaze, "I can't bug him, not when he doesn't want to be found. Let's just wait, maybe he'll be back."

The words are quiet, and Jungkook is scared that Jimin can tear through the white lie with a simple retort, but surprisingly, it doesn't come. Instead, with another long sigh, Jimin fills up his beer glass, and lets him drink in silence.

The days all end into one monotonous blur. Work, sleep, surf, wait. Ugh, what a terrible word. Jungkook's not allowed to wait, not when he doesn't know if Taehyung wants to come back at all. What do they have to offer anyways, a shabby old house, a small stretch of beach on the brink of being swallowed up by all the greedy developers. What does he have to offer?

Jungkook can't stomach the answer to these questions, curbs the thoughts before they breach his final defense. But like tides that always return to lap the shoreline, the spiraling thoughts would creep back when his hands are not busy. One day, surrendering to the looming sense of defeat, he asks Jin as they sit outside the house together, "what do you see in my future?"

Jin shifts in the crappy white plastic lawn chair, and responds with an arched brow, "I see... a lot of water surrounding you, and hmmm- maybe a lawn chair that needs to be replaced." He looks down and confirms, "yep, one leg's crooked, Yoonji rocked it a bit too hard..."

Jungkook stares at him, "you're messing with me."

"No shit." Jin does a half eye roll, "how many times do I have to tell you guys, that's not how these things work."

Jungkook deflates and droops his shoulders. They sit together in silence for a beat, save for the sound of waves in the distance. Eventually Jin pipes up again, "trust me, you don't want to know the future anyways. Would it change anything if you know the outcome?" He turns to look at Namjoon who's seated inside by the desk, head down and scribbling as usual. Jin's voice turns quiet when he speaks again, a little solemn, "would you change your decisions if you know the one you love will start to forget you as he gets older, that you will eventually be the only keeper of your shared memories... I don't think so. Love comes from the heart, no foresight into the future can change that..." he smiles to himself, "and I'm glad of it, glad that I've learned to not let glimpses of the future sway my heart."

The words feel unexpectedly heavy, and Jungkook is suddenly unsure what to say. They end up staring into the distant ocean together, in silent solidarity. The waves are dark and opaque today, dredging up the shore sluggishly, the sky a steely shade of gray. Jungkook lets the rhythmic sound of the crashing waves comfort him, as Jin finally speaks again, "just remember that we're always here for you, come what may. As for Taehyung," there is a glint in Jin's gaze when he looks at Jungkook, mysterious and timeless, "I hope he will soon find the resolution he's been seeking for all these years. It'll be worth it, no matter the price..."