Bird of Paradise • taekook

Thirteen

The moon is faint tonight, hiding behind the patchwork of clouds, blurring the furniture in his room into a cold glowing haze.

The thin cotton blanket barely keeps him warm, and the echoing waves a comforting white noise that guards his slumber. In the beginning, Taehyung was shocked at how especially noisy they seemed at night, swelling and collapsing rhythmically, occupying his thoughts; but soon he realizes the magic - it's hard to fret over the past with the waves claiming his thoughts, or maybe it's all the physical tasks he completes during the day now, helping with running of the surf shop, walking to town and back for groceries. Either way, sleep is no longer a rarity, he finds himself looking forward to the moment the waves take over his mind, and his body slacks and falls into the deep void.

"Always such a deep sleeper." The voice is bright and teasing, just the way he remembers.

Taehyung shifts and buries his face in the pillow, ignoring it.

A sigh, "Wake up, sleepy head, I thought you'd miss me."

"Stop, Vickie... tired..." Taehyung's drooped eyelids are impossibly heavy, and his mind is foggy, like traversing through a dream.

Soft chuckles, like a tiny bell rustling in the wind. She's always hated that name, always made everyone call her Victoria.

The waves build and recede in the distance, in a perpetual loop.

"You seem happy here. Nice to see you smile so much. You know, not that fake smile that always makes your face look so weird, but the real stuff, like when you were a silly little kid that followed me around everywhere." Her voice is wistful, blending into the faint moonlit glow in Taehyung's mind.

Taehyung squeezes his shut eyes, and responds, "Never followed you around... just at the same place at the same time..."

"That's one way to put it, you brat." The blanket rustles, and Taehyung pictures her lying down next to him, her petite frame alive with all the small fidgets as usual. He wants to open his eyes, wants to lean into her and find solace, as he's done a hundred times as a kid, but his limbs are weighted down by unbearable drowsiness, thoughts floating like soap bubbles in the wind.

"Sometimes I wish we were back in those days, you know, two spoiled suburban kids, bitching about how the world has wronged them, how nobody understood." Her voice trails off, like a thought that sinks into reverie. Ah, yes. Sun bleached driftwood, perfectly manicured front lawns, flapping sails at the Carmel boat dock, and two heads huddled together, away from the crowd. How he used to scour the internet to find some tidbits of treasure to show her - a fun new white hat code, old computer switchboard parts to reassemble and attach to an existing network, winning some random openSSL competition against adults - like a puppy dropping fresh kill proudly in front of a beloved owner.

I miss it. Miss you. Taehyung can't tell if he gives the words sound, or they stay trapped within him still, wrangling and hurting on the inside.

A heavy sigh, draping over the two of them as it stretches into the still air, "Miss you too. Shouldn't have left you, shouldn't have made you choose."

The wound within him rips and tears open at the words. Taehyung winces and murmurs, "You didn't... I... I'm sorry... so sorry..."

Memories come crashing back, like broken shards that draw blood every time he dares to touch them.

Her anxious voice over the phone, gnawing at his heart with each word, "Can't do this anymore. I'm- I'm the exact type of person that I despise, doing all these despicable things to survive."

"It's ok. I'll be back to Colorado soon, just wait for a few days. We'll go away together again-"

"No. You don't understand, I can't sleep, can't close my eyes. If I have to sift through one more interrogation video for some random clue, or lie to another agent just to pretend not knowing how his friend died... I'm the kind of evil that I wanted to destroy in this world. I can't- can't live with myself. I'm leaving, I don't care what happens, I'm leaving-"