Chapter 4
Fear and Pain
I finished school a week after I turned 17. After graduation, Dad took me out to dinner, although I begged him not to. He should be saving his money and not spending it on dinner when we have food at home. I decided about a week later it was time for me to get a job, so I applied to a few places. I was hoping to maybe go on a little trip and help my dad with the bills. We got a letter in the mail from a restaurant – Ronald's Diner. It said it would like to have me work for them, they would pay me 17 dollars an hour, and I could start as soon as possible. I started working there a couple days later. The job didn’t help my anxiety, but I tried my best to push through it. After about a month of working part-time and a few attacks, I was able to help Dad with the electric bill.
- “Hey dad, do you wanted to go on a trip with me in a few weeks? My treat.”
- I’m not sure. Besides, you should be saving your money for something you really want to do, like getting married or going traveling around the world. And I have work to do.”
- “Can you ask your boss for a few days off. And this is something I want to do! Besides, it's not like I'm going to get married anytime soon.”
- “Ok, I’ll see about work. But where do you want to go?”
- “I was thinking somewhere in Texas maybe Houston. It seems like a cool place to go.” Dad’s face looked surprised and scared. I was wondering why he looked at me like that.
- “I’ll see son, ok?”
I nodded. I was excited but tried not to keep my hopes up. That night when I went to bed, I was wondering why Dad looked at me the way he did. I kept working for a couple more weeks and planning for the trip. Dad told me he was able to go, but only for a few days. I was able to use my week pass for this month to get a week off from work.
I got off for the week and so did dad. We packed up and bought the flights. Dad was still trying to get me not to go. I didn’t know why though. I was still wondering what he knew. Once we boarded the plane and found our seats, I immediately tried to distract myself and went on my phone, but the attendant told me I had to put it away for takeoff. I didn’t like plane rides, but it was the best choice instead of hours driving and wasting 4 days. There were 4 seats left, but none of them were together, so Dad and I had to be separated. About 35 minutes in, I was shaking a lot. I was in the aisle seat, so I was able to get up and use the washroom. I stopped at Dad’s hallway a couple of times. He was also in an aisle seat, so I didn’t have to talk to him past people. There was a teenage boy a bit younger than me and his mom sitting beside him. I remembered a time when my mom and I were on a flight, and I was holding her hand. She didn’t like planes either. I guess I got it from her.
- “Hi, I'm Daniel.” the boy said. “What’s your name?”
- “C-Calvin. N-nice to m-meet you.” I was panicking and grabbing the seat hard enough that my knuckles started turning white. My hand was cramping up from holding on too tight. The boy reached over and tried to grab my hand and hold it. He could sense I was tense. Since I was holding on too tight, he couldn't hold them, so I tried to allow myself to loosen them. The boy held on and kept looking over at me. I tried not to squeeze his hands tight. I tried to fall asleep, but I would open my eyes at every little noise.
- “What's happening to you? You’re acting weird.” The boy asked.
- “It’s c-called a panic a-attack.”
- “Oh yeah, the teacher was talking about that a while ago.” I nodded and put my head back. I looked at the time. It had only been an hour. A few minutes later, dad walked up to check on me. I told him that Daniel was helping. He thanked him and his mother and then left.
The time passed very slowly. Daniel and I were talking for some of it, but I was stuttering and shaking, but I was a bit better than before. Daniel is in 9th grade, and he has 2 older siblings who moved out. His dad passed away when he was 10 and he and his mom had to sell their place and move to Texas. After a while, I told him a little bit about myself too. His mom fell asleep after making sure I was not going to do anything to him. Another hour passed and the plane started to shake. I was ok with it, until the pilot announced there is a bit of turbulence up ahead – this is why I hate plane rides. I’ve seen plane crashes on the news because of turbulence. I let go of Daniel’s hand. I didn’t even remember holding onto it for that long.
I grabbed my seat again. My breathing was getting shallow, and I was shaking uncontrollably. I looked over and saw Daniel leaning back into his seat and his knee was shaking – somehow his mom was still asleep. I tried to calm myself down so I could help him, and I did. After the turbulence, Dad came over to check on me again.
- “You’re still holding on to his hand?” dad asked Daniel. I smiled.
- “Uh, no. He’s holding onto mine. You and your wife raised a particularly good boy.” The thought of Mom changed something in me. I let go of the boy’s hand and wiped my eyes. Dad patted me on the shoulder and walked away. The boy looked at me.
- “What was all that about? I say wife and you let go.” He didn’t say it in a mean voice, instead it was calm and sweet, as if he was concerned. I was wondering if I should tell him or make an excuse.
- “My mom,” I was still deciding if I should continue. “she died when I was 12.” I said. I was starting to tear up just like every other time I spoke of her. “And when someone talks about her, something changes in me.”
- “Oh, wow. Can I ask how?”
- “Car accident. T-Transport ran a red light and h-hit her. I was s-sitting behind her and seen-seen her d-d-ie.” I was stuttering again. I started tearing up. Daniel grabbed some tissues from his bag and handed them to me. He leaned over and hugged me. I waited a couple of seconds before hugging him back, still shocked. The pilot then announced to put on our seatbelts and get prepared for landing. I never unbuckled mine except for when I left my seat. Daniel buckled his seatbelt up and held my hand again. I was thankful to have someone else who understood me.
After the plane landed, I waited for Dad to get to where I was, then I left with him. I texted Rose to let her know we made it. Rose couldn’t come. She was visiting her family that week. It was 3 in the afternoon by the time the plane landed. We went to the hotel we were staying at and unpacked our things. It was a cheap hotel but looked nice – except for a few stains on the walls and a cracked window. Dad and I planned out what we were going to do for the next few days. We decided on a couple of museums, a coffee shop in the morning, and to go to watch a movie at the cinema. We were hoping for a chill week, so most of the things that we do would be at the hotel.
We were both a bit jet-lagged, so we went to sleep early.
