BIBLE
I'm hiding.
From the world...
From my family and friends....
And especially from my boyfriend...if you can even call us that anymore.
It's not like Jeff and I never see each other. He's on my social media for-you-page every freaking day. I see his face even when I don't want to and every time it sends my heart clenching with pain. He and I don't talk when we hang out with our friends and they know better than to bring it up.
They know I am in no position to talk about what's been in going on in my life and to be fair, neither are they. A once solid group that I even considered family was broken to pieces and now a bunch of us missing. I feel the empty spaces, more so than everyone else.
My onscreen partner and my real-life partner both left the company with little to no warning.
Both in such cruel ways.
They left me bleeding, in different ways. One hurt much more than the other and for me, it felt like being shot by a bullet on the same spot I was healing from another bullet wound.
Is closing myself off a healthy response to what happened? No. it's not. I threw myself in my work, happy to take on everything pushed my way. Everyone has told me that I am overreacting but it's not for them to decide how I get to react. It's not them who have to deal with everyone prying into my life and asking questions I have no answer to.
The media are like vultures, every chance they get, they pry into my life.
"Did you know Jeff and Biu were going to leave the company?"... No!
"What is your opinion on the news?" Insert fake smile... I'm happy for them and wish them the very best in the future.
"Despite your busy schedule, will you remain friends even after they've left?" Retain fake smile... Of course, We will always be a family no matter where they go or what they do.
Fuck that!
I know I said I am not a good liar but I deserve a freaking Oscar for how well I've been able to lie through my teeth. How I have been able to keep my smile through the interviews as they ask me questions I have no answers to.
I heard the news the same time everyone else did, and yet I am expected to have more answers so... forgive me for hiding.
Ten months!
That's how long I have hidden from Jeff by avoiding him in public settings, taking work outside of the country and not picking up his calls or answering the door when he comes knocking.
Again, is it an overreaction? Maybe, but people who know of my relationship with Jeff would not think so. The secrets... the little secrets he keeps from me, pushing me back at every turn and the fact that I had to hear the news like everyone else!
We spent the night together in our hotel room that day. We made love to each other like our lives depended on it. I can still remember the taste of the wine on his tongue when I crushed out mouths together and the warm feel of his come as he spilled on my closed fists.
I remember his body moving below mine like he couldn't get enough of me. Every move drawing a pleasured groan from our joined lips and his dazed eyes staring up at me when I pushed back to look into his eyes before kissing every last inch of his body but...
Not once did he think to tell me that in a few hours, he would be announcing such big news to the world.
He could have told me. He should have told me.
