The words swim in my head as I drive to the studio I'm shooting an interview. I should perhaps focus on what I am going to say at the interview but I can't think past Jeff's words or the response I gave him last night.
"I agree. I think we should break up too."
Did I really mean those words? I don't know. Jeff and I have been apart for so long. Longer than it considered healthy for a couple and it's partly my fault as it is his. Yes, I know I have no place in making decisions about his career but I thought I was special from everyone else.
Jeff said he loved me so was I wrong for assuming I was special? Special enough to get a heads-up when he decided to make a huge decision about his life. I didn't think I would have to find out my boyfriend was moving to a brand new chapter of his life the same time as everyone else.
Silly me.
He doesn't understand why I would be hurt by his action. Why I would hide from him for as long as I have and...whether or not I meant my words last night, the fact is that they're out there.
Jeff and I are truly over.
"So this is it, huh?" was his response last night as he slipped his hands into his dark hoodie. "I just wish you'd told me months ago that we were over and perhaps... I don't know, maybe then I would've moved on from you. The time I spent pinning for you could've been used to heal this wound you're leaving behind, Bible."
I drive into the parking slide into an empty spot before dropping my forehead against the steering wheel. I want to bang my head hard against the cool leather as our fight from last night festers.
"Oh so now you want me to communicate when you haven't been so forthcoming with me?"
"Are you kidding me right now? Not telling you I was leaving the company is not the same fucking thing as ghosting me for months!"
"Yeah well, I guess that's something else we'll have to disagree on."
"Bible, let's not drag this out? We've already broken up. The next words between us should be goodbye."
"Fine, Goodbye!"
I wince at the memory of slamming his door on my way out which goes against my nature. I'm normally a pretty rational person but with Jeff... all my braincells seem to malfunction. I resist the urge to reach for my phone and text him a quick apology for last night but I find myself hesitating. He and I are over but we'll always run into each other and it's best to remain civil.
He'll date and... I'll date too.
Perhaps he'll even date someone I know and I'll get an invitation to his wedding and I will have to stand in the pews and pretend I don't want to find a wall and bash my head against it.
Do I feel any differently about the events that have happened in the past year? No. I still remember the shock when Jeff announced he was moving on with his career. The utter shock that rocked my body and the wide eyed look I flashed him when he made the announcement only to learn later that it wasn't really a secret. Mile knew. A bunch of other people knew too...not me.
He told a select number of people and I...
I wasn't one of them.
I can be happy for him. I can be hurt. It's not a crime to feel both.
"Fuck, get a hold of yourself, Bible!" I grit, punching the steering wheel before forcing myself out of the car. I find my manager waiting for me in the lobby and we both head up to get my hair and makeup done. I block thoughts of Jeff from my head and try to focus on my script as I wait for the interview to start.
I've had a couple of these interviews in the months between and the prying questions of Jeff and Biu leaving have dwindled down so I don't expect the hosts to ask about them. Again, silly me. Nothing could have prepared me for the hosts who are ready to gossip the second I step onto the stage.
"So Bible, how's the relationship with your colleagues?" We don't hang out as much anymore.
"Good, we're as close as brothers," I say with a forced smile.
That seems to send the questions flying.
"This year has been such a roller coaster of emotions for you huh?"
"We heard rumors of you dating a guy, is it true?"
"How did you feel after loosing your onscreen partner? Do you still meet and talk?"
"Are you going to get a new onscreen partner?"
"Will you still act in Bl?"
"How about Jeff? You two were pretty close, did you know he was leaving? Are you in touch?"
"We've all seen those mean comments left for you online with toxic fans sending you hate all year, how do you respond and cope with them?"
"Tell us everything!"
Fucking vultures! they are vultures and from the cunning smiles they keep flashing me, they know it too. And to think I've had to deal with for months, it's a wonder I wanted to hide.
I flash on a smile but what I really want to do is yell. I am not an overly reactive person so that would be out of character for me but fuck do I want to break out of character for once but I don't.
I want kick back my chair and punch the cameras away from my face. Maybe security will come and I can practice my boxing skills on them but... there is no coming back from the aftermath of that.
My smile stays in place as my mouth spews something about support, brotherhood and not believing rumors they hear about me. We talk very little about myself or my plans for the future and I spend the rest of the interview literally fighting for my life.
I'm surprised they don't notice my bleeding heart. I see it every time I look in the mirror, how broken I am on the inside reflects perfectly on my face... how can these people not see it.
Why won't they stop torturing me with these questions?
By the time the interview is over, my cheeks are hurting and I just want to crawl into my apartment and disappear for a day or two. Maybe forever.
"Bible, are you okay?" my manager asks, following me to the elevator. "I told them not to ask you these questions but they took advantage of the fact that the show was live."
"I'm fine." I fall back slack against the elevator wall and close my eyes, wishing it was last year when everything was perfect. Back when there wasn't this empty void in my chest. "Do you think I should take a break, travel somewhere this holiday?"
"With your boyfriend?"
"He is not my boyfriend anymore," I say, wincing at how loud the remaining pieces of my heart crack.
"Oh, I haven't heard you mention him in a while so I assumed he's just busy."
I shake my head, unwilling to share more with my manager. "I'll just take my best friends with me."
I have been working a lot this year and while I am thankful of that, it's hard to do that with a heavy heart. I need a break. I'll just leave my manger to maintain an online presence for me while I recharge.
I need a breather. Away from everyone and everything.
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