Just a few more hours and I will be enjoying the cool breeze from the salty water, surfing in the water and letting the waves carry away all my worries.
War offered to drive for the night so I could catch sleep and he assured me he would wake me up when we got there. I am just about to fall asleep when the man shakes me from my sleep. I let out a yawn and open my eyes, confused by why he would wake me so early into the trip.
"What is it War?" I ask, stretching my arms as I look around to make sense of where we are, my heart skipping a bit when I realize we just stopped outside Jeff's home. "What are we doing here?"
"I spoke to Apo."
Long seconds tick by.
"You did what!"
"Apo and I had lunch today. He is worried about Jeff just as I am worried about you. Well, he told me that nothing has been the same for many months but he wouldn't disclose what he meant by that but he doesn't need to. After everything that happened, I can decode that for myself."
I breath out a sigh. I understand why War would seek out Apo, really, I do. But whatever it is he's trying to do isn't going to work. I turn my head to look at Nat who is deep asleep in the back seat before turning back to look at my childhood best friend.
I still haven't told him that Jeff and I broke up. In fact, I haven't told anyone anything so I don't blame them for trying to fix us.
"War, let's just leave."
"No," he says firmly. "Go inside and talk to him, Bible. If you have nothing left to say to Jeff then come back outside and we'll continue with the journey but if you're gone for longer than twenty minutes, I'll take that as my cue to leave."
My eyes cross back to the house I spent the better part of last year in. My heart hammers hard at the thought of walking back in there and realizing I don't have a place in there anymore. All my clothes and things are still in there. What if Jeff burned them all or threw them away. Could I bear the thought of someone else taking my place in that closet?
I quickly look away, closing my eyes against the pain of being replaced. I wouldn't even blame Jeff if he decided to do that.
"I don't think I can do it War. Me and Jeff br... we b..." Fuck! I can't say the words out loud.
I slump back on the seat, running my trembling fingers through my hair as I will my heart to calm down. When I turn back to look at the house, it's to find Jeff standing outside his home. He is standing just outside the gate, his hands dipped in his black hoodie with his eyes locked on the car we're in.
"Go," War says, leaning forward to open my car for me. I breath out a sigh and climb out of the car but War grabs my arm before I can completely leave. "I lied about seeing Jeff with some other person at the club. I only wanted to get a reaction out of you."
I glare at him, promising myself to get back at him some other time before leaving. My heart threatens to punch it self out of my chest as I start moving toward the man I broke up with only last night.
Jeff doesn't say a word as he moves aside for me to walk into his compound. He locks the gate behind him and we slowly walk towards his home. The first thing I notice when I walk into his house is the massive Christmas tree with all the lights on.
"I didn't notice this last night," I say, hoping to ward off the heavy tension in the room.
"It was there but I put the lights on this morning."
I want to run away and hide like I have been doing these past few months. We broke up last night, what's there left to say?
And yet, I find myself walking back to the spot I sat on yesterday. I don't notice Jeff leave the room, only see him walking back in with a bottle of water and I flash him a shaky smile as I uncap the bottle. "Thanks."
"No problem."
Then we fall into a deep silence and once again, I contemplate running away. My time away from Jeff has not been easy but I always pushed addressing our issues to the next day and before I knew it, months had passed. Is there even anything left to salvage?
If there is nothing left to save, then you lose nothing by talking to him.
Right!
I clear my throat and look up to find Jeff's eyes locked on me. "When you made the announcement about leaving BOC to start your own company, to say I was shocked would not begin to cover it."
"I imagine everyone was."
"Why didn't you tell me beforehand?"
"We didn't the announcement to overshadow the concert or ruin the mood for you guys. Pond obviously knew and he told Mile and they agreed to wait."
"Right," I say, falling back against the couch. His words make sense but his action don't hurt less.
God, I am tired.
The kind of exhaustion you feel deep in your bones. How do you go from having one of the best year of your life to one of your worst right after the other?
"Do you have your answer now?"
I stare at the ceiling, trying and failing to wipe off the year from my mind. "What if I told you I got a job offer in the States and if I accept it, then I will be moving next month."
A long tense minute passes by before he whispers. "You don't mean that."
"If I told you I was leaving that same morning... would it hurt?" I whisper, still looking at the ceiling. "Wouldn't it be better for me to tell you I am leaving months or weeks prior instead of springing it on you the morning of?"
"Bible, please tell me that's not true."
"Why, it's a decision for my career, no?" I whisper, shifting my head to look at him. "What does it matter if I tell you about it or not... If I decide to relocate today and not tell you about it until I am in the airport waiting for my flight to be called."
"It would kill me."
"That's how I felt when you made that announcement, Jeff," I whisper, exhausted. "That's how I felt when you didn't feel the need to include me in your plans and sprang the news on me like everyone else."
"Bible-"
"It was a vulnerable moment Jeff. To learn we... that I was losing that part of you was a vulnerable moment but I understand it made a perfect shot for the cameras and the blogs to see me cry."
"That's not fair, Bible."
"That's how it felt."
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