J.H. 86 | The Inevitable Nothingness

Eighteen | Jack

I CAN'T TAKE MY EYES OFF HER, NOT EVEN FOR A SECOND. I'm terrified that I'll look away and it'll happen again, she'll go into surgery again, and this time she might not come out. I've been sitting by her bed since she came out of theatre, told by the nurses that I should get some sleep. That she was stable and doing well and that she was safe, but I wasn't so sure.

It was in the blink of an eye that she'd gone from being seemingly okay to being so close to death that the idea made my heart feel like it was collapsing in on itself.

I couldn't stand the thought that she'd been in pain, that she had to be put to sleeps to stop that pain. That maybe the idea of Parker being ripped from me was more serious than I'd originally thought. I guess I'd been in denial, thinking that somehow I could fix her, make her better, cure her just by loving her. That had been naïve, and it become clear just how real her cancer was when the doctors began talking quietly to Parker's parents during her surgery, and I'd overheard them being told to prepare themselves to say their goodbye.

Well fuck that, I wasn't going to say goodbye to her because Parker wasn't going anywhere. I'd donate my own damn lungs if I had to, she was making it through this.

Then a sickening feeling settles in my stomach as I lie clutching her hand, which is cold and heavy and unmoving.

What if she doesn't want to keep fighting?

I shake the thought from my mind, that was stupid, of course she wanted to keep fighting. She was Parker, relentless, ridiculously happy, Parker. She loves life, there was no way she was about to just give up on it. Right?

Her fingers twitch in my hand, and for a moment I think I'm dreaming it, but then they twitch again, and she makes a low whining sound from the back of her throat. I sit up in a haste, my body as rigid as it's ever been as I wait for her to wake fully.

The first thing she does is scrunch her nose, almost like everything hurts, which maybe it does, then she's taking a deep breath in, her lashes fluttering as her eyes blink open, her gaze latching immediately to mine.

She frowns slightly, pouting. "Jack?"

"Oh, thank God," I sigh, squeezing my eyes shut as I run my hands through my hair, feeling the whole world lift off my shoulders at just the mere sound of her voice.

"What happened?" She whispers, her body still heavy as she blinks up at me.

I tilt my head. "You don't remember?"

"Only pieces," she tells me softly. "Fragments."

I chew on my bottom lip, sort of thankful that she doesn't remember a lot, because if that were me in her position I'd be traumatised. "They said your lungs filled with fluid."

"Oh," she blinks, nodding. "That."

And I narrow my eyes at her because, she expected it? "Has that happened before?"

"No," she breathes. "But I was told it could start happening more often now that I'm—" she pauses, glancing at me. "—getting worse."

I swallow back tears and every fear I have as I think about the fact that Parker was getting worse. "Are you telling me that could happen again?"

I told mean to, but I sound angry, and I realise I'm snapping at her, but then she shrugs like it's no big deal and forces my frustration to grow.

"I don't know, maybe," she whispers. "The doctors said it could happen sometimes."

"Are you fucking kidding me?" I scoff, standing to my feet as I wipe a hand over my face, exasperated. "Parker you could have died!"

"I am dying, Jack," she shouts, tears welling in her eyes that force my heart to break, but her words make me falter, and suddenly I can't even think.

I glare at her. "Don't say things like that."

"But it's true," she cries. "It's true and you know it! You've known it since you met me and you know it now more than ever and it's not going to go away so you might as well leave me while you have the chance to."

"What the fuck does that mean?" I squint.

"You need to leave me, Jack," she pouts. "While I'm still alive and while I'm not deteriorating more rapidly than I already am. Leave while you can, while I'm a good memory."

I laugh, bitter and empty. "You're fucking delusional if you think I'm going anywhere, Parker."

"You have to," she shouts, tears streaming over her cheeks rapidly, making room for fresh ones. "Jack, please."

"No."

"I don't want to hurt you!"

"I don't care," I shout, also crying. I take two steps toward her, so I'm by her side, and sit on her bed, clutching her cheeks in my palms. "Parker, I am not going anywhere. Not now, not ever."

She grabs my wrists, grasping them tightly, and I know within my heart she doesn't really want me to go. "Then let me make the decision for you, I'm breaking up with you."

"You are fucking not."

"Yes, I am," she growls, but I only smile, and peck her lips so gently it makes her gasp.

"No," I breathe, placing my forehead against hers. "You are not."

"Why won't you let me save you from this?" She sobs, hiccuping as she clutches into me, leaning into my touch. "Please, Jack."

"You know how you can help me, baby?" I tell her gently, and she shakes her head, not knowing how. "By letting me love you, and keep you safe and happy."

"Nobody can keep me safe though," she tells me quietly. "Not anymore."

"Then, I'll keep you happy," I whisper, pressing my lips to her nose. "If I can't keep you safe, then I'll keep you wild. We can do the craziest shit ever, okay? Let's fuck in my car in the downstairs car park and go on a roller coaster and jump off the pier at midnight. If I can't have you forever, Parker, then promise me all of you now, please, dammit, please?"

She sighs deeply. "I'm getting really sick, Jack."

"I know," I assure her, stroking her hair. "And I know this isn't going to last much longer, baby, I know, but please don't force me away yet."

She takes a deep breath in, holds it, then lets it go. "Okay, you can still be my boyfriend."

I crack a smile. "How can you manage to make a joke in the middle of all of this?"

She smiles gently right back at me. "Because I don't like crying."

Placing her hair behind her ears, I glance at her, taking in every inch of her and commuting it to my deepest, most favourite memories. "Then let's not cry, okay? Just let me be in love with you, Parker."