Director of feelings | chaesoo / jenlisa

The smell of coffee and tulips

If the bottom exists, then someone should go down there, and it also means that someone has always lived there...

People tend to avoid and throw away those people who are not like themselves. More precisely - strange, ridiculous and it is quite understandable that, if not a standard, then scum. The first rule of this world says: «Do not stand out and adapt to society.» If not, welcome to the company of outcasts, here they will thermally treat the heart and teach you to exist with the stigma of contempt.

Park Chaeyoung, being a little girl, did not come to realize for long that she was different from others. By the standards of anatomy, it was the same, but inside it faced contradictory criteria. According to others, some madness always flew out of her mouth, although for her she was a simple sincerity: what she thought, she said. She had her own world, she was comfortable, and she didn't understand why others didn't want to communicate with her. Every time I wanted to make friends with someone, they ran away from her with the words "freak." Little Chaeyoung didn't understand why others thought she was strange at the moments when she made, in her opinion, normal comparisons. For example, cotton candy is the one that is sold in a pharmacy, just in sugar. Isn't it? It's strange, but if you think about it logically... They always wanted to convince her otherwise, to prove that what she carries is complete nonsense and if she continues, she will never have friends.

They don't like people like her, they are considered to be upstalls.

Chaeyoung wanted to have friends, so she didn't talk about her thoughts, agreed with others and smiled, pretended and was silent about many things. Everything is in itself. She learned to copy the emotional state of others, mirrored the interlocutor to be similar and not to stand out. Her mother Park Curie, noticing her daughter's closeness, explained that it is impossible, that she will get used to it, get confused and live all her life, adapting to others, and in the end she will just lose herself real.

Lying in her bed and looking at the starry ceiling, little Chaeyoung thought a lot about her mother's words that they were so persistent in her head. After all, she so wanted to be loved so much, real, with stupid examples, thoughts and actions, incontinence and emotional excess, with inexplicable causeless laughter - just at that moment she wanted so much. Cry when she wanted to see how transparent her tears were. What's the strangeness here? She didn't understand. There were no echoes of selfishness in it, wanted to be herself... just.

At the age of five, Chaeyoung decided that she would not bend to other people's standards and yul to seem comfortable in other people's eyes, it's easier to suppress others. It turned out that the force solves a lot of things, it was nowhere easier to achieve what it wanted with its help. However, she is already used to pretending and did not neglect to use it to avoid something, and strength has become the main attribute of new acquaintances. There was only one miscalculation, a small flaw: yes, they were friends with her, but the children were afraid of her. And the communication came out empty, like herself.

In high school, Chaeyoung changed her tactics of building relationships with others. She came to the conclusion that if you have money, you get into the center of attention of others. Of course, the fakeness slipped, but they were drawn to it not in fear, but with lust. The girl paid generously for everyone without counting the number of papers. They borrowed money from her, and she didn't remember the return, only "we're friends." Such a system did not last long, because someone else's inferiority provoked live emotions, which is why she recalled that strength and fear are sometimes more effective. Not for friendship, but for submission.