𝐃𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐭𝐮𝐭𝐞 𝐁𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐢𝐭 ✰

𝐭𝐡𝐮𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐭𝐫𝐮𝐜𝐤

VIOLETTA
January 3rd, 2007 — Wednesday

Kai shouted something I couldn't make out over the incessant ringing in my ears. He shoved me behind him and I wailed out, eyes screwed shut as my body involuntarily shook out of undiluted fear.

I wrapped my arms around his waist and buried my face in his back to shield my over sensitive eyes from the neon blueish-white light. The consequences of my actions would come back to bite me in mere moments but as of now, my brain was off buying a pack of Marlboro reds with its last four dollars.

Tremors wracked my body as tears flooded my certainly flushed cheeks.

whywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhy

iamnotinsane
iamnotinsane
iamnotinsane
iamnotinsane
iamnotinsane

The scent of scorched pine wood fills my nostrils, overpowering the smell of Kai's jacket over my shaking shoulders and the faded cologne spritzed on Kai's body.

It's only when I calm down that I realize he's shaking too.

He begins to turn towards me and pull away. My arms fall to my sides and lose all warmth. I feel so ashamed for touching him, for even thinking it was okay to let my jacket clad arms wrap around him.

I'm so foolish.

What was I thinking?

I shouldn't have touched him. What if he thinks I'm weird? What if he thinks I'm insane? Was I wrong? What if he hates me? He probably does. Gah, I'm dumb.

A still, small voice in the back of my mind told me I wasn't dumb. That I was made in the image of God, and that I am loved;that I am worthy and I am His.

Yes.

Kai's widened blue eyes searched my face. I assumed he found whatever he was looking for because he took note of my tear stained cheeks, wide two color eyes and goosebump skin and pulled me flush against his broad chest.

He smelled of home, of summertime nights and heartfelt hugs under a bright sunset. His arms felt like a crutch willing to help me carry the weight my heart bared.

Kai held me so tightly I could feel myself shattering into a million, scattered pieces of glass stained with bloody memories and whispered secrets about days gone by.

I broke.

Everything seemed to hit me at once.

My touch-starved nature.
My neglected past.
My ugly scars.
My bad habits.
My memories of a horrible childhood filled with things no young girl should ever be subject to.
My refusal towards showing emotions.
My lack of affection and communication with others.
My desire for the pure, unconditional love from another human being.
My nights of listening to my father's raised voice about uncontrollable things.
My days listening to my mother make crude jokes to her friends when she believed I was out of earshot, and how I cried in silence at nightfall afterwards.

I cried so hard my lungs begged for fresh air and my sides ached.

He didn't seem bothered by it.

It in fact seemed he was waiting for this. Like he knew it was only a matter of time before I fell to pieces. I knew it too. What I didn't know was that my inevitable breakdown would be in Reed Malone's side yard, tucked tightly into the arms of his grandson.

His grandson I've always thought had it out for me. The boy who was always wary and watchful, who gave me mean stares in the hallways at school.

We've never talked to each other much. We would've never crossed paths after school had my father kept his grubby paws off my life and not attempted to arrange a marriage that would flip both mine and Kai's world upside down. Tonight and that last fateful day with Elio and Azara, who I haven't seen since, has been the most words we've ever exchanged.

"You're okay. Shhh, doll, I promise— nothing will happen to you."

His breath was warm against my hair. Those short, worried puffs ruffled my dishwater blonde roots. It didn't bother me.

Everything ached.

Very faintly, I barely caught a whisper of a sentence meant only for the silent ears of the trees fall from Kai's lips. "Not as long as I'm here."

I had longed for someone to voice that for so, so long. I longed to hear someone admit they cared. Only as soon as he whispered those cherished words they were whisked away into the howling wind and the freezing rain.

I sobbed harder.

Though we were both thoroughly soaked with rainwater we stood tall beneath an old weeping willow tree that was only bare branches and simply held each other. He could barely hear the noises I let slip. The inconsistent sniffles. The believed-to-be-silent whimpers of untold past pain.

Beneath my cheek, I swear I could hear his own heart splintering in two.

I felt horrible.

"It's not your fault baby."

"Baby, listen to me. Violetta," oh, the sound of my name rolling off his tongue.. it was enough to coax me into hearing what he had to say. "You're safe now. Nobody can hurt you, they're in the past, gone like the leaves on the trees and never to return."

How did he know?

Did he know about my family? What happened at home all those distant feeling days ago? The days all blurred together now. I'm not sure what day it is, what hour we're on or how many seconds we have left until the clock ticks another midnight minute away.

I take one last deep breath, inhaling the scent of his cologne for the last time before I pull away from him and start walking towards my Chevy by myself, alone with no flashlight and no directions to guide me.

Only my intuition and the mercy of God.