Please Kill Me

Vol. 3 Chapter 1.1: Dahlia and Lambert, Their Way of Love (VICE VERSA)

After giving birth to the baby, my mood started to fluctuate. Some days, I felt endlessly excited and happy, while on other days, I sank into bottomless despair. Even after delivering the baby from my body, something continued to ooze out, leaving me sticky and slimy. Wetness would rise intermittently, and I would breastfeed the baby for a long time, yet it seemed to never be enough. Lambert would suckle for a long time, but soon the wetness would return, soaking the bedding and my dress entirely.

All of it felt so heavy and tedious. Yet, at the same time, the presence of the baby, that small and tender being, would sometimes captivate me with an indescribable sense of awe when she suckled my breast. I wanted to see that. A baby girl, they said. They said she resembled me.

"I'm going to name her Ines."

I declared. Lambert, like he did with my other requests, complied. Being the sole heir of Lambert's family, their lineage demanded multiple middle names for nobility. If it were a boy, they would combine the names of various ancestors, but for a girl, they would use the names of the mother or grandmother. I wanted to name the child after my mother, but I didn't want to give her my own name. Thinking of my mother's name also made me feel sad. However, I firmly believed that Ines could grow up as a happy noblewoman. No, I earnestly hoped for it.

"If you don't have any other preferred names, should we give Ines my great-aunt's name as her middle name? Despite never marrying and living her whole life alone, my great-aunt was the one who enjoyed the most in good health in the Hindleton family."

I nodded at those words. Ines Elizabeth Rose Hindleton. You will have everything. Live a self-determined life. You won't be trampled by anyone. Inherit everything that your father, Lambert Hindleton, possesses. I silently blessed the child several times in my heart.

Lambert proposed to me and wanted to bring a nearby clergyman to perform the marriage vows, but I was hesitant about everything. I didn't want to show the constantly flowing milk to anyone. I waited for the moment when the blood, which didn't cease flowing beneath me, would finally stop. Until just before giving birth to the baby, I had been eagerly indulging in passionate moments with Lambert day and night, but now I felt no desire and became unpleasant and irritable in all matters.

I waited for my body to recover and my mood to improve, and Lambert said he would propose again in the next season. I simply hoped that baby Ines would grow a little faster so that I wouldn't need my milk anymore. The bleeding seemed to be gradually subsiding. Ines still sought my milk at intervals of a few hours. At one point, I was captivated by a strong desire to remove the blindfold that covered my eyes and see Ines, but I couldn't. The thought that even if I removed it, I wouldn't be able to see anything, that this intense darkness had dominated me for ten long years, made me feel suffocated.

"I love you, Dahlia. I love you. And baby Dahlia Ines, I love you too."

Lambert was always affectionate, but he became even more loving. While taking good care of the baby, he also meticulously attended to me, making sure nothing was lacking. He changed the bandages diligently until my bleeding stopped and used a warm towel soaked in water to gently cleanse my body from head to toe every morning and evening. He nursed me for a long time when my breasts were sore, and I knew well that no one else could provide such delicate care for my body's pain and discomfort.

However, the swirling whirlwind of heavy and dark emotions that started to dominate me didn't let go and only intensified my discontent and anxiety. There were days when I didn't even want to hear the sound of Lambert soothing and comforting the little baby he called Dahlia rather than Ines. Baby Dahlia, it felt like it was only bringing unhappiness to the child.

"Don't call her that! Her name is Ines!"

One day, I couldn't hold back and shouted in a burst of anger. Lambert, who had been humming a lullaby, seemed startled. But he always listened to my words, no matter what, so he quickly admitted his mistake and tried not to call the baby, Dahlia, anymore.