An Orphic Love

THIRTEEN

Author's Note: merry christmas! yall i have been on a roll recently i just finished chapter 16!

TW: mentions of anxiety, eating disorder (maybe) if you read between the lines and language :) 

... 

MERCEDES

March 11th

"I SINCERELY HOPE that you didn't mean that," Ellie worries as she sits across from me at the Diner. I pull my light jacket off- it's finally not 20 degrees- and shrug.

"Of course I meant it. He's a dick." I shrug. Ellie sighs, and massages her temples.

"You can't go around telling our substitute teachers that they're dicks, Mercy."

Whatever.

The diner is pretty packed today. But our table is almost empty, with the exception of me and Ellie. Kenya is somewhere or another, I don't remember. Dawn couldn't come, and Nolan's on his way. Max is being flooded with work, as expected. It's a Sunday, and everyone comes here after church. Ellie and I included.

It's March. Time is flying by entirely too fast. But it's somehow also taking forever. We're enjoying the little things while we can. For example, Kenya and Max finally got together. Officially. I think that happened sometime after New Year's, which we were all very happy about. But not surprised. Obviously. We've been waiting for this.

Dawn stood up to her parents and admitted that she did not want to be a lawyer, she wants to go into psychology. Which I think is pretty cool. I guess they were somewhat disappointed, but it's not like she tried to pursue her goals in strip dancing, or something. No shame, but I know Dawn's parents. And I know how they would react.

Ellie and Nolan celebrated their second anniversary on Valentine's Day. Which is weird, I feel like they just got together, but, whatever. Time flies. They went out to eat and Nolan took her to meet his family in Philadelphia. She said that they had fun.

And I... did nothing. I got a job at a bookstore, which I love with all of my heart. But the house has been too quiet. My mom and Steven haven't been the same since they kicked out Tye.

My brother ended up talking to me. But not very much. He'll update me once a month, telling me if he's alive, and that's about it. I can never get any more out of him. He's hurt, and probably confiding in all of the wrong things.

I haven't slept well since New Year's. I haven't eaten very much since New Year's. I can't stomach anything. Before, I didn't eat a lot anyway. I'm really picky with what I put into my body. But now... I just keep feeling him everywhere. It makes me lose my appetite. Or worse, I'll get nauseous at the sight of him. I'll get clammy at the mention of him. I'll zone out, thinking about it and then get super nauseous.

It's... awful. I can barely function. It's been more than two months, but I still can't shake it. I can't shake the feeling that he's watching me, or the feeling of his hands on my waist, or the feeling of his drunken breath on my neck.

I'm nauseous even now.

Ellie and Dawn don't know the whole story. But they know something happened. Kenya doesn't know, Max doesn't know, and Nolan only knows whatever his girlfriend told him.

I don't want them to know. It's not that serious and it doesn't really matter anymore. So I don't bring it up. And neither do they. But I can tell that they look at me, in some kind of pitiful, sincere way that tries to make me bring it up, but I won't, because I don't want to talk about it.