An Orphic Love

TWENTY THREE

Author's Note: Possibly one of my favorite chapters? But let me know what could change, it was very difficult to write (meaning it was being stubborn) lol. 

TW: language, mentions of past r*pe, smoking, mentions of addiction. 

MERCEDES

I can't sleep. I'm tossing and turning, and I feel bad for Dawn. She can't tell, though, she's got a face mask on, earplugs, and some sleeping sounds playing on her phone.

Ellie's words keep replaying in my head.

"Why can't you just let people in?!"

"I know you don't like to talk about these things, but you can't lock them up inside you forever,"

"Let me be your best friend, okay? Let me be there for you,"

Ugh. I can't do this. My thoughts won't stop swirling around my head, and it's making me dizzy. I can't stop hearing her words, seeing Dario's face when he found me crying, and seeing Joey's letters pop up on the screen.

I sit up, grab my phone, and leave the room. It's too small in here. And I need to be outside. I need to be somewhere. My stomach hurts, I'm shaking, I'm exhausted. I'm not in a good mood right now. I had a fight with my best friend. Not even a fight, she was calling me out on my shit. And I let her walk out. I know that she's right, but I don't want to accept it. I don't want to accept a lot of things.

It's messed up, I know, but I'm... I can't do this. I can't do anything. I want to stop, find a hole to climb into and just... wallow. This is torture. I'm angry, I'm upset and confused and I can't do anything about it.

It's such a little thing to ruin everything about, but it feels catastrophic.

It's around 11 o'clock. There's not much to do around here, but walk around this dreary motel. It's foggy out, and depressing. It's better than this musty bedroom, though. I open the door and take a step outside, but there's Dario.

My heartbeat quickens. It needs to stop doing that. But, he's cute in his pajama pants and huge black hoodie. My heart sinks and I sigh.

Why is he out here? It's almost 11:00, and it's rainy out.

He's leaning over the banister, with a cigarette in one hand. It's shaking, though. The hand that holds the cigarette. Does he have a tremor or something? What is going on?

"Funny seeing you here," I mutter and stand next to him. I'm surprised he didn't jump, flinch or anything. He just smiles and looks down. "Boo,"

"I heard you coming out," He says and points to his right ear. "You got me on my good side," I let out a small laugh. Dario looks at me and smiles again, before putting the cigarette to his lips again. Ugh, cancer sticks. But, he looks kinda good doing it-

Stop. I pinch my hand. I can't do this.

"Don't look at me like that," Dario mutters. My brows furrow.

"Like what?"

"It... they make things better, I don't know how to explain it." Oh. The cigarettes. "I don't feel like I'm suffocating anymore when I smoke, you know? I know, it's bad-"

"Dario," I stop him. He's rambling. He's anxious, I can tell. "Your hands are shaking," He exhales, rubbing his eyes, and then says,

"I'm sorry," He mutters. "I'm... in a mood," I gasp slightly.