Trying to live

Chapter 48

It was snowing. The kind that floated down slowly and silently, like even the sky was afraid to disturb the stillness. Little flakes clung to the windshield, dotting the glass like lace. The music in the car was quiet, soft chords that didn't ask anything of me. They just let me sit in the calm.

December was almost here. My birthday was coming up. In three days, November would end, and I would be seventeen. That felt strange. Not bad, just... older. Like I'd lived through more than I thought I would by this age.

Lakewood didn't usually get snow this early. It would usually come around mid-December, but climate change has changed the weather. 

Despite the heated seat beneath me, the chill had crept under my coat, curling into my bones. I rubbed my hands together, the friction doing little, until a warm hand slid over mine.

"You got this," Cam said

I looked down at our hands, his steady and mine restless. Then I folded his hand between both of mine like something precious I was afraid to lose. When I looked up, his soft smile was already there, and before I could overthink, I leaned in and kissed him just because I wanted to. Because he was kind. 

The taste of that kiss hadn't even faded when the memory of Henry crept in like cold air through a cracked window.

After the fiasco with Mr. Laurent and the way I fled to Ms. Smith, asking her, like a clueless child, what love was, I hated myself for having Henry on my mind. Hated how Henry still lived in the corners of my mind while he laughed with Juliette in hallways like I'd never existed. I hated myself for giving him so much power over me.

He was fine. He was happy. And I was just... here.

I didn't want to replay our kiss or dig through old memories of him. I had someone beside me now—someone who didn't give me mixed signals. Cam reached for me and never pulled away. He loved openly. He stayed.

Of course, I doubted myself sometimes. A quiet voice in the back of my mind whispered things I didn't want to hear. Was I only with Cam because Henry rejected me again? Did I want Henry to see me and get jealous?

I shook my head, lightly, like I could shake those thoughts out. No. I promised myself I wouldn't think about Henry anymore. I wasn't confused. I wouldn't let myself be. I locked those lingering feelings away, tucked them into a quiet part of my chest, and turned the key. Cam deserved more. I deserved a chance to be loved again.

These past few weeks have been the best in a long time. Cam and I found comfort in small things—study sessions (since Henry no longer wanted to tutor me), laughter, shared snacks, long walks, and quiet car rides. We kissed more often. Explored our bodies. But he never pushed. Whenever I hesitated, he just smiled—like he understood without needing a reason.

"You got this," Cam repeated, easing the car into a parking spot.

I nodded. "We should celebrate."

"What, you passing your makeup exams?" he teased, amusement twinkling in his eyes.

"Yes," I said eagerly. "I'm going to rock these exams, and you'll be proud of me."

Cam leaned in close, his voice low and tender. "I'll always be proud of you."

And then he kissed me again. I pulled him closer, wrapping my arms around his neck, kissing him deeper—until my alarm beeped.

I pulled away and smiled. "Thanks for the good luck kiss. Now, tell me again I'm going to ace these tests."

Cam chuckled as we stepped out of the car. "You're going to ace these exams, and then we're going to celebrate."

We walked into the school together. Just before I turned to head toward my classroom, he pulled me into a hug and kissed my cheek. "I love you."