Beneath The Smiles We Hide

Chapter Nine

Anticipating the arrival of my daughter, Isadora, filled me with both joy and fear. Joy for the precious life growing within me, but fear for the challenges she might face growing up as a girl. Drawing from my own experiences as a female, especially during my teen year, I couldn't help but worry about what she might encounter. My hope is to equip her with the strength and knowledge to navigate the world and protect herself.

Throughout my pregnancy, despite the ongoing concerns about Isadora's heart condition leading to numerous appointments, frequent trips to London, and various tests, I found immense joy in the experience. Witnessing my belly expand and feeling her kicks grow stronger brought a profound sense of purpose and love. Despite the challenges, the bond with my partner's daughter also flourished. We were in the process of creating a family and building a life together.

Navigating the challenges of our baby's heart condition became a crucible for the bond between my partner and me. The struggles we faced, the tears shed, and the support he provided during the pregnancy rebuilt the trust that had once faltered.

Building a life with him, the love of my life, felt like a fresh start devoid of resentment, deceit, or hurt. Our connection transcended the scars of the past, creating a home filled with warmth and understanding. We learned to communicate openly, embracing difficult conversations with patience and respect. This newfound healthy love became the foundation for a life where we grow, heal and dream together-a perfect harmony.

As we eagerly anticipated the arrival of our little girl, plans for our living situation unfolded. His parents, wanting to move to a property with land for their horses and dogs, proposed a plan: they would relocate, and we would stay in their family home, paying the mortgage. It was a moment of joy and excitement, imagining the walls echoing with laughter of our growing family-our daughter and his. The prospect of creating our own family home filled me with indescribable happiness.

Amid the progression of my pregnancy and our efforts to create lasting memories with my partner and his daughter, an unexpected message arrived from his daughter's mother. Despite the past betrayals and my decision to keep my distance, she proposed meeting for coffee, emphasizing the importance of fostering a positive co-parenting environment for the sake of our children.

Our coffee meeting was both awkward and oddly comfortable. In different circumstances, we might have been friends. She expressed concerns and a desire for us to get along, emphasizing support for any questions or issues related to having a baby. While she sought clarity on my issues with her, I chose not to voice them, having moved on from the past betrayal and finding it curious that she wasn't already aware of the reasons.

Despite the coffee meeting alleviating some tension, it was evident that we wouldn't become the best of friends. The encounter however, served as a step toward amicable co-parenting for the well-being of our daughters.

Approaching the finals stages of my pregnancy, the mounting fear of the impending challenges intensified. It was now certain that our daughter would require surgery upon birth. The identified heart defects included coarctation of the aorta, a narrowing that needed correction, and a ventricular septal defect, a hole in the lower heart chambers. Additionally, her left heart side was noticeably smaller than the right, posing potential complications.

Due to these complexities, and the necessity for her delivery to be in London, I was scheduled to be induced at St. Thomas Hospital, with her care subsequent care at Evelina Children's Hospital. The induction date was set, but the night before, at 1:30am, my waters broke unexpectedly. In anticipation of a potential transfer to London, we hastily loaded our bags into the car and headed to the local hospital, notifying them of our impending arrival.

Arriving at the hospital, we entered a room for an assessment. It was around 3am, and they affixed monitors to my bump to track contractions. Despite having only experienced a few irregular contractions since 2:30am, the decision was made to transport me to London in an ambulance. Through this process, I maintained an odd mix of optimism and energy, as did my partner, though fatigued from the early hours.