Beneath The Smiles We Hide

Chapter Five

After ending the previous relationship, I wasn't actively seeking another. My focus was on praying for the well-being of the baby I was carrying, hoping for a different outcome than my first pregnancy. One night, I went out for a friend's birthday and unexpectedly crossed paths with someone intriguing. Initially, I tried to avoid him, considering I was pregnant. However, as the night unfolded, a simple yet memorable moment stood out – standing in a queue to leave the club, engaging in silly dad dances with him.

The next day, he sent me a message. I thought he was trying to be friends, but he had other intentions that I soon realized when the messages took a flirtatious turn. We decided to meet up a few days later, going for a drive and getting to know each other. He was a dad to an 18-mont-old girl whom he adored. Despite the obvious challenges, we connected. Around an hour into our drive, I shared the news that I was pregnant, approximately 10 weeks into the pregnancy.

Sharing the news of my pregnancy seemed to solidify the understanding that nothing serious was likely to happen between us. I didn't sense he was seeking a serious commitment either. We parked at the beach, and he was still processing the news of my pregnancy. Unexpectedly he expressed a desire to kiss me but was hesitant. Eventually, he shrugged off the uncertainty with a causal "fuck it" and leaned in for a kiss.

In the following weeks, life took on a strange yet amazing rhythm. We spent hours on facetime, immersed in Xbox games. On the nights we weren't gaming, he'd show up outside my house, ready for impromptu drives or visits to his friends. During this time, I had the pleasure of meeting his daughter – an incredibly sweet little girl. As I spent time with her, I couldn't help but wonder if I, too, was carrying a little girl or perhaps a boy.

Despite knowing that our connection wasn't meant to be serious or long-term, I found myself captivated by him. He was unlike anyone I had ever met – caring, compassionate, and humorously genuine. Early on, I felt myself beginning to fall for him, questioning if someone this extraordinary could truly be real.

On the day of my first pregnancy scan, my ex, the father-to-be, joined me – an awkward reunion since our breakup. Despite our differences, he wanted to be involved, a gesture I appreciated. Nervous and scared, I braced myself for the worst, only to hear those dreaded words again. The sonographer somberly confirmed there was no heartbeat. We were ushered into a small room where they explained the baby's size was consistent with eight weeks when their heart stopped and advised me to await a natural miscarriage. The rest of that day was a blur.

Amidst the heartbreaking news of my miscarriage, the guy I had been spending time with was a constant support. I had shared my fears and previous experiences with him, and the night before the scan, I had a scare with some spotting. Distraught, I called him during his work break and tearfully told him of the news from the scan. That night, once I was home, he surprised me by showing up at my house and taking me out on another drive and allowed me to cry my heart out. His unwavering support during my darkest moments made me realize I wasn't just falling for him; I was undeniably in love with him.

With the devasting news of losing another baby, I expected to fall apart. Yet, being with him, and gradually spending more time with his daughter, helped me maintain my sanity, preventing me from losing myself in the sorrow of almost becoming a mum only to have it taken away again. As I bonded with his daughter, the love I had harbored for my own babies started to find a new outlet, I started to slowly pour that love into her. It became clear that evolving into something more than temporary.

He introduced me to his family, a family that embodied everything I had ever wished for. They were close-knit, filled with love and care. I even became part of gatherings with his extended family. It was on a special date that I can never forget, the 8th of December, after attending his cousin's birthday celebrations, that I blurted out my feelings, telling him I loved him for the first time. To my joy, he reciprocated.

Experiencing love with him was unlike anything I had felt before. My previous notions of love didn't measure up; what I thought was love was often a reflection of molding myself to fit someone else's expectations. However, with him, there were no masks. I was truly and completely myself – flaws, quirks, and all. In his presence, I revealed every side of me, both the good and the bad. This relationship allowed me to be more authentic than ever before.

As a result, my priorities and entire life underwent a transformation. I moved out of my mum's place, relocating with a friend, closer to him. I ever changed jobs to synchronize our schedules, ensuring we could spend more time together. However, he had his own battles from past relationships, and it took him seven months to fully commit, officially asking me to be his girlfriend.

Understanding love now, I see it through a different lens. To truly love someone, I've learned, is to embrace every facet of who they are, including their flaws and the aspects that might be irritating. It's about feeling free from the masks we wear in our daily lives and being authentically ourselves. True love allows us to be the best versions of ourselves without fear of judgement or rejection.

Life, for the most part, was on an upward trajectory. Sharing a place with a friend, out of my mother's, basking in the glow of a stable relationship, the only lingering uncertainty was the path of my professional journey. As I pondered various career possibilities, there was one calling that had always tugged at my aspirations.

This inclination toward teaching had been a latent desire, dancing at the periphery of my thoughts for years. Despite the academic challenges I faced in my school days, the positive influence of my teachers left an indelible mark. Inspired by the prospect of making a similar impact, I embarked on a journey of self-discovery, delving into the intricacies of becoming an educator.

Driven by the belief that learning shouldn't be a hindrance to my everyday life, I set my sights on an access course with the Open University – an online University offering flexibility to seamlessly integrate my studies with my daily routines. With the first step taken, I eagerly embraced the prospect of a future where I could impart knowledge and contribute positively to others' lives.

Leaving mother's home marked a turning point in our relationship. Despite our ongoing differences, the physical distance seemed to improve the dynamics between us. However, our relationship isn't conventional, deviating from the typical mother-daughter bond.

A recurring source of contention was my mother's perception that I didn't fully respect her. It's a complex sentiment for me. While I acknowledge and respect the hurdles she's overcome, it becomes challenging to hold unwavering respect for someone I've witnessed in vulnerable states. During times when she should have been caring for me, the roles often revered, with me assuming the caregiver's role.

Our relationship, like many others, is nuanced and filled with contradictions. Despite the complexities, the physical space had allowed for a different kind of connection, fostering understanding while navigating the intricacies of our unique dynamic.

The next year was a dream in my new romantic relationship. It differed from any previous ones, characterized by support and reassurance. While insecurities crept in, especially navigating his contact with his ex-due to their child, he always offered reassurance, building a foundation of trust. As time passed, I became closer to his family, experiencing a welcoming warmth that made me feel like part of their close-knit unit.

As our bond deepened, I became more involved with his daughter, creating a unique connection. Every shared moment felt like a cherished memory. Our relationship brought joy, laughter, and a sense of belonging. The support from his family became a pillar of strength, helping me navigate the challenges of life.

I discovered the power of resilience and the importance of surrounding oneself with those who uplift and cherish you. Love, I realized, goes beyond romantic gestures – it encompasses shared laughter, facing challenges together, and being seen for who you truly are.

Yet, life's unpredictability would soon test the newfound stability, throwing unexpected obstacles our way. The journey continued, filled with highs and lows, but with each step, I learned to appreciate the beauty in the midst of chaos and to embrace the love that helped me endure.