Beneath The Smiles We Hide

Chapter Four

The first time I confronted the harsh reality of loss was with the departure of my nan. The tumultuous relationship between her and my mother, exacerbated by the grief surrounding my uncle's early demise when I was young, cast a long shadow. Throughout my mother's upbringing, my nan's preference for my uncle over my mother, coupled with her unrelenting harshness, created a lifetime of strife. Her protracted battle with lung cancer, compounded by a brain tumor, marked the final chapters of her life.

Her passing stirred profound emotions within my mother, exposing unresolved issues and triggering a cascade of drama surrounding her death. The absence of a will fueled tensions among friends and family, leaving my mother grappling with a tumultuous aftermath. While the complexities of this drama remain veiled to me, the collective weight of losing my nan, coupled with the unresolved issues my mother carried, etched a deep scar in our family history.

I found myself grappling with conflicting emotions over my nan's death. Despite her evident affection for me, the wall erected by her mistreatment of my mother made it challenging for me to mourn someone I wasn't certain I'd miss. The day after her passing, our journey took us to London to share the news with my great-grandad, her father, unaware of his declining health. The indelible image of him lying in bed, appearing lifeless with only the subtle movement of his chest, remains etched in my memory. To compound our sorrow, news reached us during our travels that he, too, had departed.

This dual loss, experienced within a mere two days, thrust me into uncharted territory, confronting the profound depths of grief and marking the beginning of my journey through the complexities of loss and familial ties.

The complexities of grief are a labyrinthine journey, weaving through the fabric of family ties, each member navigating its twists and turns in unique ways. As we confronted these losses, I realized that grief's impact is a deeply personal and individual experience. Grief is a tapestry woven with threads of disparate emotions, binding love, loss, and resentment in intricate patterns. The profound nature of these losses illuminated the fragility of family ties and the intricate dance of emotions that accompany death. My mother's grief was a tumultuous storm, while mine was a conflicted struggle with a woman I never truly knew.

This dual loss marked a pivotal moment in my understanding of grief's impact on family dynamics. It underscored the necessity of acknowledging and embracing the diverse ways in which each family member navigates the tumultuous sea of emotions that loss brings. The ghosts of unanswered questions and the echoes of unspoken pain served as a stark reminder that grief's complexity extends beyond individual hearts, shaping the very fabric of familial connections.

My first serious relationship, which I believed was love at the time, marked the beginning of a pattern that would persist throughout my romantic history. I seemed to be drawn to guys with drug habits and other issues, believing that I could help them overcome these challenges in the hope that they would love me in return. This pattern may have stemmed from my inability to resolve any of my mother's problems and a deep yearning for her to love me in the way I needed; but I am no psychologist to know if that is the reason.

Our relationship progressed rapidly, with us essentially living together after only a couple of months. Looking back, I can now see that there were many warning signs at the beginning of our relationship. However, as someone who had never been in a relationship before, I initially believed that these signs were normal. He expressed his dislike for my friends, made comments about my appearance when I wore makeup or dressed nicely, and frequently wanted to know my whereabouts when I was going out without him.

We were together for three and a half years, and as time passed, these warning signs grew more pronounced. I lost touch with all my friends I had and spent most of my time either with him or at work. Our life together became dull and monotonous, characterized by a daily routine. He was a daily weed smoker, and we'd either sit in my room while he indulged in his habit, or he'd drag me along in his car with his friends to various parking spots where they would get high.