Bon Bons to Yoga Pants

Chapter 39-An Effing Swan

My first official date with Bradley over chili cheese fries ended at two in the morning. By the time my alarm rang out at six, I was already awake, staring at my ceiling, in a near hyperventilation panic. Only one person that could give me any mental stability to face the day. I tossed off my covers, sent a quick text message, threw on my gym clothes, and grabbed my shoes on the way up the stairs.

Then I prayed Megan would show up.

As usual, the gym resembled a forgotten amusement park in the early Saturday morning hours. A few clownish people hung around, avoiding eye contact. I jumped on a bike and started pumping away as fast as I could, trying to out bike thoughts of disbelief, panic, and fresh blueberry waffles slathered in syrup.

"Are you okay, Lex?"

The voice of an angel appeared on the bike next to me twenty minutes later. By that time, sweat drenched my clothes and I gasped for air. Megan looked at me in concern, her eyes still sleepy, hair in the same braid, as always.

"You came!" I cried. "Megan, the worst possible thing happened last night and now I'm in a total panic. I need you to talk me down. Do whatever magic it is that you do when we talk and then I see the world differently. You ask me questions and then I have to think and suddenly the world is rose-colored instead of sepia. You know?"

Her forehead scrunched but if I left her confused, she didn't have a chance to say, because I launched into an instant replay of the night before.

"Cabbage stains," I repeated woefully, slapping my face with my hand once I'd finished the tale. "I had cabbage stains on my apron and a straw wrapper in my hair."

"Wow." She low whistled, her bike whirring. "That's pretty intense, Lexie."

"He's too perfect, right? He's way too perfect. Something has to be wrong with him. He has to be weird in some way. Right? I'm right."

Megan laughed. "Well, he did say he'd probably fart up a storm."

"Doesn't count," I mumbled, glowering at the bike display.

"Give it time, Lex. He's imperfect, of course. But that doesn't mean you have to find out all his flaws right away. Enjoy the honeymoon stage."

Now that the torrent of words had calmed, the cool grip of rationality crept in, and I felt sheepish. I cleared my throat. "Sorry I had you come here so early on a Saturday. I just . . . I just needed a friend."

A wave of guilt hit me for not calling Rachelle, but I had the innate sense to know Rachelle couldn't really help me the way I needed it, not in this. Megan waved it off.

"Don't worry about it. I love a friend that'll text me at six in the morning for an immediate, emergent, gym date." She smiled. "Besides, you need a girlfriend right now. Tell me what's really going on in your head. I have a feeling it has less to do with cabbage stains and more to do with something else."

My heart fluttered in a moment of hope. This was the Megan therapy that I needed.

"Well . . . it's just that I've had this planned in my head for months now, and I was wearing a black dress, with my hair done up, and I was the single most beautiful woman he'd ever seen. I wasn't at work or . . ."

"Wait. Who says you aren't the single most beautiful woman he's ever seen?" she asked.

I faltered over the automatic responses in my head. Me. Common sense. I've never been beautiful. I'm not you. Megan stared at me in expectation, and I realized she was waiting for a response.

"Me."

"Exactly. You're thinking for him. You can't do that in a relationship." Her eyes widened dramatically. "Trust me. If there's anyone on this planet that knows failed relationships, it's me."

"But Megan, I'm not you. I never have been. I'm not confident or . . . or put together or . . ."

"You're right. You're not me. You're Lexie," she said, interrupting a train of reasoning that would have surely led right into dreaming of bacon and pancakes. "And that is who Bradley met last night, and that is the girl he asked out on a date tonight. He didn't meet Megan and ask Megan out. He asked you."

The idea hadn't really crossed my mind that he might actually be interested in taking me out, and hadn't done so out of some weird sense of obligation. I swallowed.

"Yeah. I guess you're right."

Megan leaned back on her bike, her legs still spinning effortlessly beneath her. I hadn't even paid attention to anything but my jumbled thoughts while I rode, but I looked down to find that I'd just ridden over fifteen miles. A new record. Surprisingly, I felt better.

"Listen, Lex. You're losing weight and looking great. Really great. You're also dealing with crap in your life instead of eating your way through it. But your mind hasn't made quite as much progress. Worth isn't based off of numbers on a scale, and I don't think you've really realized that, even though you've made strides. Maybe this date with Bradley will help you see it."

"Definitely haven't let go yet," I agreed with a sigh.

Megan smiled. "Just remember you're an effing swan."

"Right. A swan."

Her eyebrows lowered over her eyes in indignation. "I'm serious, Lex. Tell yourself you're an effing swan. It's a thing. Just keep repeating it all day. By the time you go out with him tonight, you're going to believe it."

I stared at her in disbelief. "Wait, you are serious."

She nodded. "It's how I got through my last breakup. Try it out. And don't get all crazy when you're prepping for your date, okay? Just go as Lexie. Don't pile on makeup and whatever. Just wear something you feel comfortable and beautiful in."

Just the thought of meeting Bradley that night for a date made butterflies flutter deep in my stomach. He'd been very gallant, very easygoing, and very sweet. Guys didn't just do that, right? No, I answered my own question. Bradley didn't have to wait for me at work. He didn't have to send his friends away. That means something.

That definitely means something.

I smiled over at Megan. "Thanks."

She laughed. "No problem. A little girl time sometimes straightens the world out. How about we end the morning with a few weight lifting exercises and then I'll take you out for a healthy breakfast smoothie to celebrate your date tonight?"

"This effing swan says yes."

_____________

"Well," I said to my reflection later that night. "This is about to go down."

I followed Megan's advice and wore something comfortable, but still dressier than my sweats. My new pair of size sixteen jeans, a black t-shirt, and an unbuttoned gray cardigan jacket. Instead of going all out with my hair, I just washed it, fluffed it a bit, and wore it down. I hardly ever wore makeup, so I only put on mascara now.

At first I didn't recognize myself, and I stared at the mirror with a clenched stomach and mute disbelief. Who was this girl with cheekbones instead of a puffy face? My arms didn't stick out the side like a Stay Puft Marshmallow doll. My torso had a more defined shape than just bowling ball. I actually saw my eyes, instead of slits. It was the first time I'd really forced myself through a deep inspection of the accumulating changes ever since starting with the Health and Happiness Society.

"I'm an effing swan," I whispered. "An effing swan."

I smiled.

Learn more about the #effingswan movement at www.effingswan.com or follow on twitter. @effingswan

Have you heard of or joined the #effingswan movement yet? It's one of my FAVORITE movements. The #Effingswan movement focuses on everything that BBtYP stands for: you are beautiful just as you are. Everyone is an effing swan.

Then put your predictions for Bradley and Lexie's big date tonight! Where do you want them to go?