Bon Bons to Yoga Pants

Chapter 44-Good Enough

The day after talking to Bradley about writing my story, I felt the deep pangs of a hunger stirring that had nothing to do with food, even though I dreamed of cinnamon rolls that night.

I woke up at 5:00 am to a growling stomach and a tempestuous head. I grabbed a banana and a piece of wheat bread on the way out and headed to the gym without Mira. Exercise cleared my head. I'd come far enough to know that eating my way through a problem only made me more fuzzy-brained, and pushed the problems off to deal with later. These problems couldn't be pushed away any longer.

Fifteen minutes later, with earbuds in and a spinning bike moving beneath my legs, I let my thoughts fly.

Write your story.

You're not a little girl anymore, Lexie. You're a woman. A beautiful one. A strong one . . . You want to win this competition? Show me that girl.

That girl lived amongst bon bons and starburst packages. She didn't like running. She refused to wear yoga pants because they'd show her lumpy legs. She wasn't perfect, and she held deep insecurities over all her many flaws. Why would Miss Bliss want to read about that Lexie Greene?

"Excuse me, can I ask you a question?"

A pair of blue eyes peered at me in question. A girl—who had to be a freshman based on her young, round face and naive eyes—sat on the bike next to mine. She wore a baggy, oversized shirt and a pair of sweats that probably once belonged to an older brother. They didn't entirely hide her large figure. Her blonde hair sat in a bun high on her head, showing the blush coating her cheeks.

I pulled my earbuds out. "Yeah, sure."

"I . . . I'm new here. Sorry to bother you, but I'd rather ask you than that guy at the front desk. Seems so humiliating that I don't already know how to work a bike. Could you . . . could you show me how to use this? I can barely push the pedals."

"Oh, yeah. The tension is probably high. Just twist that knob."

She turned the knob, and her legs started to flow freely. "Thanks," she said, exhaling with a relieved smile. "Even though there are not that many people here, it would have been embarrassing to just walk away."

I returned her smile. "Don't worry, I understand." The temptation to go back to my thoughts—which hadn't been all that revealing despite the exercise—came over me, but I ignored it. "So, you're new here?"

"Yeah!" she said, finding the easiest level she could on the bike. Her legs pumped with wild abandon. "My name is Anna. I don't really know that much about exercise, but I decided to try working out because I've put on a little more than the freshman fifteen. It's kind of embarrassing to work out at my size, so I came to the gym early before anyone gets here."

A wave of nostalgia rippled through me, and suddenly I didn't see Anna anymore. I saw a 259 pound girl wandering into the gym for the first time with no idea what it all meant. The baggy shirt, the hopeful desperation, the huffing and puffing with the slightest strain.

Had I really been just like Anna? So unaware? So naive?

I turned away before she caught me gawking. "What made you want to work out?" I asked, increasing the tension a little, needing something to push against.

"Oh, it sounds so dumb but . . . I actually met this guy. He doesn't even know I exist. I'm taking an art class with him, and he's just so cute. If I were to have any chance in the world then I need to look a little more appealing, I think."

Her voice faded into the background of my thoughts.

That's right where I started, I thought to myself. I used to be just like Anna, back when I thought this was all about Bradley.

Without meaning to, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. My body was far from the svelte models that stared at me from the magazines at the side table. I still had padding everywhere, and still weighed over two hundred pounds, but the black workout capris I wore covered legs that had more muscle than flab. My abs didn't roll like a slinky anymore. And my face finally showed bone structure. The old Lexie Greene was slowly fading.

I'm not that girl anymore. I'm new. I'm better. I'm stronger.

For the first time in my life, I looked in a mirror and liked what I saw. A flawed girl who had a love affair with Great Harvest bread. A girl trying to get healthy. A girl that wanted to be in control of her life. I liked this Lexie. I stared at myself, twirling on the bike, face flushed, calves flexed, as if I had finally found a true reflection of me.

I'm Lexie Greene, I thought. And I'm imperfect. I love food too much. I don't like to run and never will. And I am an effing swan.

I am good enough.

". . . and then I accidentally spilled paint all over him. So he knows I exist, but it wasn't exactly an ideal way to introduce myself. Anyway, I think he prefers brunettes, but maybe I can change his mind if I could just lose some weight."

I pulled out of my thoughts. "You won't," I said, stopping the eternal spin of my legs. A feeling of empowerment and calm moved through me.

I am good enough.

"You don't think so?"

I looked at her with a wide smile. "You won't change his mind, and I don't know this guy at all, but he's not worth it."

Anna's mouth dropped open. "Wh—"

"Working out for a guy isn't worth it." I slung my towel over my shoulder, ready to take on the world. "You should work out for you, because you're worth it. Because you want to be healthy. Guys will come and go. Who cares about them?"

Anna floundered for a moment. "But . . . but I'm not pretty. I'm not confident. I'm not like you."

Her comment nearly stopped my breath. Isn't that what I'd said to Megan before? Was it possible that Anna saw the same lithe, easy confidence in me that I'd always admired in Megan? Is that what this feeling was?

"Yes, you are pretty and confident," I said, pulling my water bottle from the holder. "You just don't realize it yet. I come every morning at six with my friend Mira. If you come Monday morning at that time, I'll show you around so you don't feel so lost. I know how that feels. I'd show you today but I have something I need to do."

Her mouth dropped open. "Really? B-but you don't even know me."

"Yes I do. Better than you'll ever know."

____________

I slung my gym bag on the bed and fell into my computer chair after sending a hasty text to Mira explaining I wouldn't make it to the gym with her. Sweaty, sticky, and feeling more alive than I ever had in my life, I closed all the Facebook browsers and opened a brand new word processing document. I grabbed a picture of Dad from where it hid in a drawer, taped it to my computer monitor and pulled in a deep breath. My fingers hovered over the keys for two seconds before I smiled and started to write.

Like any great story, it all began with Facebook.

We just barely met Anna, but I already just kind of think she's adorable and want to give her a hug. Anyone else? Anyone stoked about Lexie FINALLY figuring out what we all knew about her already?!

All of you are awesomesauce #effingswans. Srsly. Love your guts. MUAH.