Short stories :)

Exhaustion

Warnings: mental struggles; depression, little bit of language

"Some days it's even hard to get out of bed."

My alarm was ringing but I was ignoring it. Slamming my hand onto the "snooze" button on my phone as my music; that I fell asleep too, keeps playing. "Blacktop" by Julien Baker is swishing into my ears and my brain. I roll on my back staring at the ceiling that seems to be spinning. I wanna shut my eyes but I've slept for so long I don't know if it's even possible to sleep more. I had my alarm set for my nap after I got up to let my dog out and go back to bed. Now it's 2:00 and after hours of my alarm ringing over and over again I finally opened my eyes. I know my friends are worried. I just can't talk to them. It's so humiliating trying to explain why you're so messed up. Running my hands over my face as my phone starts to ring. Christ. I know It's Phoebe(totally not based on Bridgers) trying to see if I'm okay. How the hell am I going to explain that I'm not? I answer my phone and put it on speaker.
"Yo" I say wanting to make this quick.
"Jesus christ thank god you're alive." She sighs into the phone. I can hear people in the background, probably Lucy and Julien. Wanting to scream and throw up as the deafening silence fills my room.
"We're coming over" Phoebe says as she hangs up the phone before I can complain about her coming over. I get up and make myself look a little more presentable. Letting my dog out again and feeding her. I may not take care of myself but I will gladly take care of others. Like my dog, my baby, and the reason I got up was because she was screaming at me;she wanted to go outside. Sighing as I put a coffee pod in my Keurig. I know Phoebe will just let herself in but I'm still worried she'll want me to answer the door. I don't know why but I hate answering the door, I don't have a peephole so it makes me nervous. I know, I'm insane blah, blah, blah. It's a crazy thing called depression. Staring at my coffee, it starts to pour out. I want to slam my head against the counter, I love my friends I really, really do. I just can't today. My eyes can't seem to stay open, even my hands aren't working properly. I'm shaking and whenever I get up from leaning against something I feel like I could fall over. I feel so heavy, heavy, heavy. Like at any moment I might just fall over and go to sleep on the tile. Maybe the tile will cool off my burning body. I need something that will put out the flame that is me. It's just consuming me and my little body is inside the massive flame. Groaning as I slam my head into my hands, running a hand through my hair. My dog starts hitting the glass door to be let in, sliding in open as she runs in. I grab her food and scoop her some in her bowl and fill her water. Grabbing my coffee and pouring creamer into it. Sipping on it and feeling the burning liquid go down my throat. I'm staring out the window into the rainy sky. Couldn't be a better day. I turn around to see Phoebe looking at me with concern, do I really look that bad? Behind her is Lucy and I wanna assume Julien I just can't see her small little body.
"Please don't look at me like that." I say.
"I'm just worried." Phoebe says, looking at me. I need a hug but I don't wanna ask for one, I hate being like this I don't like making them worry. Going over to my coffee on the counter and chugging the rest of it. I have my back turned to them as I put my mug in the surprisingly empty sink. Feeling a small pair of inked arms wrap around my waist. Feeling myself crack as Julien lays her head on my back. Feeling a hot tear run down my cheek as I lean back into her. Muffling the slow sobs that make their way out of me with the back of my hand. Damn it. I wasn't gonna crack, I can't fall apart. I feel like such a burden. Putting my hands on the counter to steady myself as Julien turns me around to look at me, then properly hugging me and wrapping her arms around my waist as I melt into her.     

-El