content warnings: eating disorders, self harm, mental health issues/bpd, potential substance abuse
- y/n is a british streamer and small music artist with bpd who moved to LA at 15 after the tragic, unexpected death of her mother. y/n loves altern...
Jake had agreed to pick me up and drive me back to his house, fortunately we didn't live too far away. Roughly a 20 minute drive. I was nervous but excited to be around him and i assume his roommates. The LA air was warm on my pale skin, the sun shining brightly over me. I tilted my sunglasses down slightly and inhaled a long drag of my malbaro red cigarette, dark lipstick staining the edge.
My outfit was not fit for the weather, i wore black fishnets with thigh high socks over the top as well as a black sweater with a grunge design on the top. outfit :
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The long sleeves covered my fresh bandages but they began to itch. I sat on the front steps that lead to my doorway whilst i waited for jake, today i was going to have a good day. Today i would not break down into thousands of tiny pieces. Today i am stable and safe enough to be around people again.
But those poisonous thoughts marinated in my mind like a disease. My borderline personality won't ruin this friendship, my borderline personality won't fuck this up. My borderline personality won't make me form any strong attachments to anyone.
I almost laughed at myself, I know how my disorder can ruin my friendships and relationships. But I'm going to try and work it out this time.
A black range rover pulled up on my driveway, jake's head stuck out of the window, "is that my y/n!?" he yelled with excitement. A huge smile plastered onto my face, "jake!" i yelled matching his tone. He got out of the car and enveloped me in a big hug, he smelt like fresh linen and cigarettes. "i'm so glad i messaged you, jump in the car, choose some music!" he laughed whilst climbing back into the drivers seat.
The music was loud as we drove through sunny Los Angeles, both Jake and I sung our hearts out to 2000's songs and old emo songs. "YOUR LIPSTICK STAIN IS A WORK OF ART, I GOT YOUR NAME TATTOOED IN AN ARROW HEART!" we yelled to a five seconds of summer song. Jake chuckled and then turned the volume down, putting more of a serious face on before he spoke, "you seem happy today, do you want to tell me more about why you were in hospital?" his eyes shifted off the road for a second to glance at my facial expression. I let out a quick sigh and took a hit off my vape, "i got really.. really bad again, jake. i couldn't eat, i couldn't sleep.." my voice trailed off as i contained my emotions. I took my meds today. "i didn't see how bad i was myself until, i started to split on the closest people around me. My bpd was out of control and it was ruining my life again." i paused, the conversation turning darker, "my elderly neighbour found me." We hit a red light so Jake got a chance to look at me, "none of this is your fault, you didn't deserve that." his tone was comforting. "can i tell you something?" i asked, he nodded in response. "before you messaged me, right before. i-.." i found myself struggling to say it, "i didnt.." once again i stopped myself, pondering on how to force the right words out, "i didn't have a reason to go on, so i wasn't going to go on." a tear forced itself to drop from my e/c eye. "y/n.." he sounded melancholy, "no matter what, i'm going to be here for you from now on, and i'm sure when you meet my friends you'll have a safe supportive group to turn to" his smile returned, "you know what's funny?" jake started to laugh. "hm?" i questioned. "johnnie truly is your saviour" he joked, i let out a laugh and nudged him. I think jake could sense that i was very nervous but excited to meet johnnie. "oh, i forgot to say i didn't tell them i was bringing you here" jake laughed some more.
