Waiting Room

I'll Fake God Today

"We're under the impression that this" the doctor hesitates, searching his vocabulary to find some way to word this without sounding insensitive, "...malnutrition is intentional." He could have worded it with more honesty. He could have been blunt, referring to this situation as a slow suicide, an act of self destruction, perhaps even a selfish act at worst. He settled at "malnutrition," an honest attempt at making Atsushi more comfortable, whether successful or not. "We just need to understand exactly what happened. This will help us determine the best course of action regarding your treatment." 

Atsushi was acutely aware that this was not entirely truthful. Honesty wouldn't change what IV was used, only determining whether he needed inpatient treatment. This resolution wouldn't sit well with him, his pride too powerful to accept the help he desperately required. "While I appreciate the concern, it wasn't intentional. It was an honest mistake, just haven't really paid much attention to my food intake lately. I'll do better as soon as I get home, which I hope is soon" Atsushi explained. His comment about going home sounded more like a question, inquiring the doctor of how soon that would be a possibility. 

"We'd like for you to stay the night for observation. I would like to let you know that resources are available for disordered eating if you find yourself in that situation. I don't want to make accusations, but I do find it imperative that you are made aware that this type of behavior around food could lead to some serious consequences. Until then, I can bring your friends back. I hope to see you feeling better, Atsushi." The doctor expresses, handing him a pamphlet for eating disorder treatment. Atsushi accepts the papers, hiding it behind him before Dazai comes back in the room. He wouldn't allow Dazai to know, fearing that inpatient would become a requirement rather than an option.

"What did you tell him, Atsushi?" Dazai questions, his stern tone filled with genuine concern. 

"The truth, that this was all a misunderstanding. I am fine, Dazai. I've told you this for weeks." Atsushi explains, getting increasingly annoyed at the questions. He's exhausted, barely capable of holding a real conversation.

"I will not see you destroy yourself." Dazai sounds equally drained, running on very little sleep after Atsushi's hospitalization.

"Who found me like that? I still hardly know how I ended up here, Dazai. I don't exactly have the energy to argue with you. I promise I'm fine, just tell me what happened." 

"No one exactly found you, Atsushi. You passed out in the office. We were all there."

"Listen, it's fine. I'm glad you were there."

"It's not fine-"

"I can't argue with you right now. I'll be here for one more day, then I'll be back. Just get some sleep, I can tell you haven't gotten any." He wasn't wrong, the time was 11:53 pm. Dazai was running on only three hours of sleep regardless, the bags under his eyes were prominent. 

"I'll let you rest, but this conversation isn't over. I will see you tomorrow and we will talk more. Goodnight, Atsushi." Dazai resolved.

Atsushi only nodded in response, watching as Dazai walked down the hall. When he was certain no one would witness it, he removed the IV from his scarred arm, unwilling to accept the excess calories.