Waiting Room

Doubtful Consolation

Any words Atsushi tried to mutter got tangled in his throat, a pathetic attempt of vindicating himself. His mind raced through an assortment of lies that would, at the very least, calm the fire that Dazai was staring straight through him. He could say he was discharged, maybe that the hospital caught on fire, any excuse he could find to make himself appear as fine as he would like to claim. All reasons fell short of being plausible, leaving him a startled, stammering mess. 

"Don't try to make excuses" Dazai expressed, somehow knowing exactly what Atsushi was scrambling to do. 

"What are you doing here, Dazai?" Atsushi struggled for a moment, mustering up the courage to deflect the blame. "There isn't anything to excuse."

"You left against medical advice and, well I don't know, lied? Do you want me to list all the lies or are you comfortable just accepting that you fucked up?" Atsushi had never seen Dazai this angry with him, leaving him unaware of how to respond. He just lowered his head, unwilling to meet Dazai's seething eyes. 

"I meant what I said, I will not watch you destroy yourself." Dazai stood up, inching himself closer to Atsushi.

"Look at me" Dazai stated, lifting Atsushi's head to force his gaze. "I need you to explain yourself. It is not up for discussion." 

The knots in Atsushi's throat finally loosened, allowing him to choke out a response. "What do you need explained? It sounds like you understand it all." Atsushi had his own festering anger over the situation, unable to hold back the resentment in his voice. 

He desperately wanted to have his rage pointed toward Dazai, how easy it would be to blame him for this discomfort. How violently had he wanted to scream at him, tell him how all of it would have been fine if he had focused on his own affairs. No matter how despairingly he tried to direct his vexation toward Dazai, it was lost in his own self awareness, how acutely aware he was of his own wrong doing. He was only capable of raging toward himself. 

"I don't understand it all. I can tell you what I do know. I know you're hurting yourself, in how many ways I do not know. I know you don't want anyone to know about it, I know you're isolating yourself from the people around you. You see how the details are missing? That's what I need to know, Atsushi." Dazai was only stern in this response, not allowing himself to respond to Atsushi's outburst with anger. 

"You know what you need to know, I don't want to talk about this." Atsushi retorted, immediately shutting down Dazai's attempts to help. 

"I can give you time to cool off but I'm not leaving. I'm gonna wait right here until you decide to communicate."

"You're gonna be here a while then." 

"Will you stop being so stubborn?"

"You can stay here if you want, but I'm leaving."

"You'll have to come back eventually."

Atsushi didn't respond, leaving his home without a word. Dazai didn't attempt to chase after him, knowing the chance it would only drive him further away. 

Atsushi left his home vacant for days, striving to become no more than a memory.